Tag: Writing

Myself

Confusion-A New Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal

Confusion has become my best friend. I realized this today as I tried to figure out a to do list for my life and while some things appear quite apparent and perhaps even clear, I scribble away that clarity with more to dos, more “gotta get this done”‘s and suddenly I am back to the uncertain Sanjay, the one I vowed to eliminate.

Yet the glimmer is there, I see myself a different person, the one getting things done the way I want them done, only if I knew what they were, and then it hits me that perhaps its not just confusion, its part laziness and a big dose of fear.

I am scared of making changes in my life because the status quo has been going on for so long. And then I realize the silliness of that and I am struck at my own confusion about what it is that I really want.

I want to eliminate my debt, something I am afraid to admit openly considering how much I make. I know that previous comment witll come as cocky to some but the truth of the matter is, I have silly debt, debt thats holding me back because its from my past and it represents my failings as a better person. I know the uncertainty is there that if I manage to eliminate my debt yet again, I will create another hole.

And there lies the crux of the problem. In the process of cleaning up my life, will I clutter it up again with useless material things and lack of focus?

And thats the question that eats at me while I strive to go the gym, manage my expenses better and prepare to marry the love of my life.

Myself

Posting Past

Sanjay Sabarwal

Nothing like putting up old pictures, and see the past, and wonder if I could somehow pass the knowledge I have now to the old me sitting there grinning like an idiot.  Its not a very original thought. Come to think of it, not much of what I say or do lately is very unique.  And perhaps its as it should be.  I needed to do some growing up, too long have I stayed in my thoughts instead of actions

Pimping Myself
Pimping Myself

.  Its great to write about plans, things, and ideas, yet I still struggle with action.  Even this is action, and its hard because its admitting that for far too long, I have used words to define myself rather than showing myself how I really am.  I cringe at the fool that shows in the image, but knowing that instead of a disguise, that is the true me if I do not change, if i dont use the past to grow out of that “hat.” 

But it still ends with a smile instead of regret.  I was happy then, and I am getting to happiness now, and I wouldnt change those memories.  I just hope I can always smile away the pain and regret.