Tag: Travel

Brownness

Joshua Tree

Sanjay Sabarwal

This last weekend, Zyan, myself and the wife made our first trip to Joshua Tree with a lot of our family members. The plan was to stargaze but while Zyan only lasted about 15 minutes for that event, but in return, we got a magical two days where he got to spend time not only with his grandmother, aunts, and uncles but also with his cousins, and for us that’s what truly mattered. While the family planned the trip a while ago, we jumped on last minute as a surprise, and that was the seasoning that made these past few days so delicious for us all.

Were there challenges? Of course, but in the end it was all worth it. To see the massive smiles when he walked in made the 3 hour drive feel like nothing. Credit has to go to my wife who convinced us to go last minute and to not tell anyone. While uncertain as to how Zyan would handle things, I am glad we threw everything together quickly and headed out. I know for sure that this will be a memory all of will cherish and talk about and remind Zyan when he is oder how fun and difficult he made things during that time.

But more than anything his peals of laughter, the full joy of being in a jacuzzi with us and his cousins, the constant playing games with my brother in law, the endless kisses he got from my sister, the smile on my moms face seared onto my heard a memory to replay in later days. I also now have the urge to take him back when he is older to behold the splendor that is our universe. I saw for the first time through a high powered telescope, the craters on the mood and the rings of Saturn, and the curiosity and excitement it elicited in me is one I wish to replicate in his mind and heart. I was 53 years old when I did this, and for him I hope it’s at 5.

For once, Monday felt like a coming home a very long but wonderous journey, one filled with so much activity and emotion, and I cannot wait for our next destination when we do this all over again.

Brownness

Diwali

Sanjay Sabarwal

This year Diwali occurred the same time as Halloween which made for a hectic but fun filled week from Thursday to Sunday. Starting with Zyan and his cousins going trick or treating, it was a true pleasure to see him get excited at all the activity and interact with his cousins from his moms side, and then see the celebrations at the Gurudwara for Bandi Chor Divas on Friday. Finally. he got to fully get into it at my sister’s beautiful Diwali Party where he got to dance, eat, be spoiled by the grandparents, and surrounded by so many who are obsessed with him. Watching the joy he brings just lights up soul, and makes yet again utter gratitude for this beautiful life of mine.

While just 2 weeks away from his 2nd birthday, its already hard to imagine life before him. Sure things have changed like for example us now leaving parties early rather than being the last ones, but I wouldnt have it any other way because in the mornings I get to him coo, and babble and make it yet another fantastic day for me.

He is the Diwali of our soul, the light of our lives, and his voice the fireworks of our future. He is yet another reason for the words that come from me, my own muse, and I cannot wait for him to bring new light into our hearts.

Happy Diwali!

My Past, Myself, Preeti

Roaming Thoughts: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal

Parts of the city of Geneva and Lake Geneva wi...
Image via Wikipedia

The buzz of the birds shines outside our window in Geneva, Switzerland, jet lag still a dear friend so as she breathes heavily due to an impromptu day nap, I sit myself in front of you to spill the churning thoughts inside me.   Poetic I am not, overly bored definitely.  I am smiling involuntarily as images of dancing with my friends and family is still looking to be filed away to become a distant memory yet the amazing wedding and love shown are making me reluctant to tuck away wedding month of celebration.  I dare not admit that 5 years ago, this seemed impossible, with many writing off (including myself) a big wedding, instead hoping someone from her side would show up.   Yet, I seem hard pressed to remember that time, instead I am surrounded by smiling happy faces from both sides, her loving brothers, her amazing parents and finally my always there family, culminating in 7 perfect events, 1000s of pictures, 100s of hours of movie footage but more than a lifetime of commitment to each other and our families, yet somewhere lost between are the small little moments we had, rough to sweet and I wonder what it is that makes a marriage (yeah, can you tell I am married now)?  When does a couple stop being lovers and friends and move on to becoming a loving partnership?  I ask because only in a true partnership can we accept each other strengths and weaknesses, soldering them together to become even stronger, even more agile and finally even more loving.  When we are lovers and friends, we each have distinct needs and wants that need to be taken care of, but in a marriage everything becomes conjoined, shared, split, experienced together otherwise your just two really good roommates who happen to get it on once in a while, aren’t we?

So here I sit, while her snoring gets louder, and I still at the various images hitting my head, from the little things friends did for me (sing when they weren’t planning on it, plan a bachelor party for 13 loud and picky guys, fly down even thought we hadn’t seen each other in years), just a multitude of kindness that I am not sure I can ever repay to the present moment.  She lies in bed snoring away at 9pm (12 noon our times) and in room my thoughts roam and I wonder (yet again), how I ever got this lucky. 🙂  It is becoming hard to sign off, to stop this post because the smile is not going away but the dread of what lies in the future remains.  So she snores and I roam…

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Myself

Going Nowhere Fast

Sanjay Sabarwal

Angry Talk (Comic Style)
Image via Wikipedia

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

Today was one of those days where nothing made sense, and everyone seemed to be at blame.  I was unhappy with many, and it seemed that many close to her were taking her chemotherapy for granted.  I was angry, yet I knew what was driving this emotion: fear.  My fear, to be precise.  In my effort to control the uncontrollable, I got lost in the blame game.  It seemed easier to be angry than to face the glaring truth: I am run down, overwhelmed, and just plain tired.  Plus, I can no longer ignore the twinges in my throat that foretell a major cold: something she cannot absolutely not be around.

And so I fumed, angry at the world and especially annoyed by others carrying on with their day when I know no peace and neither does she.  Therein lies the problem: I made my pain above hers, and just felt truly alone.  Between the countless hours of worrying, and wondering what the coming day will consist of, I lost sight of the one person truly living with this.  It’s easy as hell to be mad at her family for not being around, but hard to acknowledge that I am failing her in some key ways: mainly in emotional arena.  It’s hard because I am not at peace anytime and unable to get to do the things I need to fulfill myself.  I am drawing empty, I do not know what to do.

So I get angry, and blame and try to numb myself by borrowing an hour to go to the Hidden cafe. It’s not enough because deep down, I know I am not doing myself any favors by blowing smoke, and that the real break for me is to be around my friends and family, read and write as much as I can.   I do not know how to reach out because I have been let down by a few, and due to this foolish pride of mine, I sit here alone in the other room unable to sustain my wife in any meaningful way.  I see it and know that I need to be better, and can be better. I just have to step away from the ones that aggravate me, quit blaming others,  be vulnerable, love myself, be kind to my soul, and love her with all my soul.

So although the day went nowhere fast, and I fight this cold, I know one truth: we are halfway through and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.  I am thankful for what I have, no for what we have, and have faith that things will get better.  Today ended with me realizing that I need help, and it may not come from the ones I expect.  And that’s ok.  Friends and people will fail and let me down, and I will too, and that’s ok.  I am only human.

 

 

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