Tag: Relationships

Myself

The Gossip

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lowest Common Denominator

So admit, lately I have fallen into the trap of judging people almost instantly and what’s worse they are people who were once close to me or near me physically.  I realize now that a struggle it is to remember to just breathe and start the day blank instead of being pummeled by a 100 thoughts of what I need to get done.  As I read and write more, get more enjoyment from the simple moments of life, I see now that I have to make an effort to stay present, connected with what I am feeling but not be overwhelmed by it. It’s a struggle not to speak in frustration and anger.  While the need to be firm is important, I easily dive into anger a bit too quickly.

Moreover, the worst is the recent gossiping I have begun to do, putting down people for minor (at least in the long run) and trivial things that did not matter to me before.  Part of the problem of being in a close group that shares information is that the littlest things get transmitted instantly and the reaction even quicker.  I see now that I am contributing as much to the problem as others, and the only I can hold responsible is myself.

Yet I ask what it is that is making me behave this way?  What makes me put down some people trivial things, and others that I no longer begrudge the benefit of the doubt.  I just assume that lowest common denominator about them, yet it is I who is lacking in basic civility.  Now it would be easy to confront some or speak my mind to others, yet the real problem is myself.  I do not know how to speak bluntly but without emotion.  I somehow manage to sound irritated, petty, annoyed, all at the same time.  The eloquence I think I have seems to abandon me at the crucial moments, and I see what I need to work on.

Recently, I have begun to get agitated at some for not following through for something that seems quite obvious to me in order to better their lives.  But I know it’s not up to me how people choose to live their lives or make their decisions.  I must remember that we each live our own moments, through our own ideals, right or wrong.  All I can really do is to stop gossiping about it.  I cringe as I see that word in print.

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A Letter From Me To You

Sanjay Sabarwal

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

I sent this to my dear friend and family today. Then it hit me that I meant it for anyone in my life.  I hope it helps or if nothing else makes you appreciate what you do have instead of what you do not.

 

I woke up today, feeling lighter in months.  The sun is shining, lighting up my library and my soul.  I sit here writing these letter with a smile on my face.  I have been meaning to write to many of you and then it hit me that it was almost the same message for all of you.  If you’re getting this email today, it is because I love you, and cannot express how much you mean to me in person.  Before anything else, I would like to apologize to some of you for my mean spiritedness and my childishness.  I expected everyone to behave exactly how I was feeling, and I made it about me and not Preeti so please accept my apology as I was unfair, small-minded and frankly, just selfish.  To some others, I was also unkind and cruel for no real reason than because they happen to be in the way and again, I apologize. All of who have been generous with your warmth, help and thoughts at one time or another so much so that I don’t think I will ever be able to repay you.  So I simply say thank you again, and again and again. 🙂  One last apology, I couldn’t BCC you all for some reason so please ignore the CC’s and do not reply all please.


But that’s not the real reason for this email   I just finished reading the Taking The Leap by Pema Chodron, and so much of the book made instant sense to me so I ask you to please get the book (I was lucky enough to be gifted by someone very thoughtful).  In a nutshell, the book says we are not alone, and we do not need to suffer alone.  Many of you are going through your own crisis’s and challenges, and I just want to let you know that your are loved and thought of by me and others  Don’t let ego and pride be the reason for not reaching out.  I know I didn’t.  Don’t let fear, hate and anger rule your world because in the short-term it will feel good but it won’t solve anything in the long-term.  Do not let negative emotions rule your day and self because they are just old habits that will only give you temporary relief.

Instead, pause throughout the day, take 3 deep breaths.  1) Acknowledge that you have the emotion 2) Experience the emotion 3( most importantly, relax and let it go.  You don’t have to act on those negative emotions. I just reread the email, and I know I sound like a born again sappy religious wacko, but I truly mean the words that are here.  I love you, I miss you, and I am sorry.  IF nothing else, please just remember that.

Have a great day.  I know I will be thinking of you all.

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Myself

Day of 1/1/11: I am number 1!

Sanjay Sabarwal

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

Too many unanswered texts, too few call backs, too much selfishness. I picked the picture to the right because it illustrates to me that there are many who will just continue with their lives not really concerned about friends or family.   I can’t but help be fascinated at the raw emotions I feel as those who I considered close to me once have left me to languish in the toughest battle of my life.  Others have surprised me at their tenderness and care and still other’s I cannot fathom their immaturity.  The reality is that friends come and go, family does the best it can, but only I can make the life I need to live.

So today, I celebrate letting go.  The 1’s being of particular important because at the end of the day I only have myself to rely on.  I no longer want to be dominated by disappointment, hurt or worse, Anger.  No longer will I give lip service to the ideal of being here NOW.  No longer will I dread cancer, chemotherapy, radiation or any of the myriads of  side effects we will face because the reality is we can either be overwhelmed by it or live day-to-day.

Moreover, I cannot expect people to be the way I want them to be.  They are going to be only true to their own nature and while some pay lip service to the ideals of great friendship or family, I just have to take it with a grain of salt.  I want today to be the only day I vent these sentiments because in the past 2 months alone, I know who my real friends and family are.  The rest just acquaintances who once provided fond memories and now just need to be relegated to old photo albums as reminders of a great past.  Some need to be removed completely, others left at a distance, and a few to be politely fake too because it matters to her so much.  So to some I say hello and to others Goodbye, it was nice while it lasted and thanks for the memories.

So 1/1/11 help me today to let go of the past, not worry about the future and just revel in the present.  That’s my gift to myself.

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Myself

2010

Sanjay Sabarwal
Description unavailable
Image by gynti_46 via Flickr

You weren’t a good friend, come to think of it you weren’t much of anything except a source of constant grief.  I am not sorry to see you go, in fact I would say I am glad but I am not going to even dignify that sentiment in relation to you.  But then I realize I have something you cannot take away which are my friends, my family and best of all my brand new wife, Preeti so perhaps I can begrudge you a bit of a farewell.  Except today is just another day, and that’s how I plan to spend it.  No parties, no celebrations just a night in with my beautiful Preeti, just the 2 of us lying next to each other, savoring the closeness and the love of all the ones dear to us in memory.

You weren’t easy to deal with.  From taking a dear family member, giving me a stroke to afflicting the love of my life with a life changing disease, I can definitely say you have made it a mission to be memorable except you are not.  I am not going to give you that power.  Instead, you get this tiny post almost 2 hours before you die in my memory.  You don’t exist, and if you plan to tell your friend 2011 to do the same, then it will get the same middle finger.

I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I am just done.  I know what I have in my life, and guess what, I know I am rich in that.  Forget money, forget fame, forget the material things or the many meaningless promises I have made at other New Year Eve’s.  I have what I need and want.  Now all that’s left is for the rest of the year to recognize that they have  been reduced to numerical symbols, meaning nothing except for the passage of time.  If you thought you were going to beat me down, 2010, you were mistaken.

Hear me out 2011, you might want to stay on your best behavior before you, too become another torn out calendar.  You have been warned.

Also, 2010, FUCK YOU.

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Truth

Sanjay Sabarwal

I spent 20  minutes trying to copy an image that perfectly captures my feelings and in my quest to get that picture right, I lost sight that I needed to write.  There was a reason I am at an unholy hour on a Sunday night.  A need to get it out all out.  But the truth is, I am avoiding writing because this year will perhaps be the culmination of something I hadn’t dared to think about in years: Marriage.

In a way, I am already married, and the vision of being with the one I love for the rest of my life not at all daunting, in fact even exciting.  Yet I do not want to cross this path alone, and I do not want to do it in darkness.  No more hiding.  No more lying.  The truth will set us free, but more importantly allow us to live.

Lately, I have become superstitious that what my beautiful love is going through can be cleansed by the truth.  I no longer want to lie to anyone about anything.  Yes, to answer the ones wronged, I am trying to be AN ANGEL because I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a life partnership on a path of clarity, reality but best of all honesty.

It’s not easy as it looks.  Recently, I told a dear friend about her fiancée (who also happens to be a good friend of mine) who I felt cheated on her (a mere two weeks after he proposed to her) based on what he told me.  Yes, I broke the man rules because the truth is that I am not one of the boys, and I can no longer keep quiet on what is wrong.  As someone pointed out, as long as your know you will lose one friend, then go for it.  And I did, and the only thing I really have to show for it is that my conscience is clear, I am less one friend and discovering that the person I thought to be “saved” has decided to go back to the friend. So now I am less two friend, full of the feeling that determined people will hurt themselves no matter what anyone does, and perhaps nothing will change in life except me.

And then there is Preeti’s cousin who lives 15 miles away but has not bothered to call, or even stop by even though she’s fighting for her life and future.  Sure, he can go see his girlfriend but heaven forbid he actually check on a supposed close family member.  And then I caught myself.  I could do this all day long.  I could begin to stop talking to everyone that I think has done me or Preeti wrong but then there wouldn’t be many friends left.  The reality is, people are selfish, dishonest, indifferent but they also happen to be dearest to someone in our lives.  What do you do then?  Quit friends?  Quit life?  Quit the truth?  No, I realize.  You move on.  You forget.  The ones that mean something stick around, and the ones that do not, vanish.  The truth makes certain of that.

photo

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Drowning/Overwhelmed/Liar

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Y

This picture perfectly describes my feelings these past few months.   I cannot breathe due to the hypocrisy surrounding me nor can I rely on the friends I thought I had.  I cannot save people from their mistakes nor can I  can trust them when they lie to me about them.  I cannot be the perfect boyfriend or always present.  I cant, I won’t get it right, I know that but still I keep trying to move forward, to keep moving so I don’t drown in the despair of sorrow and helplessness.  Gotta avoid the tears, the realization that our lives are no longer headed on the paths we had planned on, no! counted on.

I wish I knew where to start. Perhaps shake the one that cheated or the one that got cheated on and then lied to me about ending it.  Or do I  shake the one with a selfish boyfriend who couldn’t even call or text his cousin while she battles the big C but has time to meet his girlfriend or yell at someone’s family because I am overwhelmed and feel utterly alone and helpless?  How many people do I stop talking to?  I realize that everyone’s an adult and the problem isnt them but me.  I am drowning myself.

Because the truth is, I am sick of people, their lies, their insecurities, their willingness to be fake or care when they only really only care about themselves.  Sick of being around people who say they are there but in reality are only there because it seems the right thing to say but not do.

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