The link provided below came to me via Sumita and I had just finished reading the book When God Wink’s by Squire Rushnell (http://www.whengodwinks.com/faqs/) which says that there is no such thing as coincidence. Coincidences are God’s ways of moving us along to our paths. The video talks about happiness, and that it’s not about material things or doing a journey for being happy. The journey can be happiness. We have to let go of what we want of others to be happy, and we have to stop thinking that we have to reach happiness when we can choose to be happy. It’s not easy, but as soon as you can let go of what you expect from others, you can be happier. It struck me that lately my life has involved a lot of coincidences. I have actually used my legal knowledge more in the past 2 months than my entire life. I am being asked to do more, and I realize that is something I have been asking for years. I put it into the universe, and now it has been answered.I realize now as I open myself up more and more to the Universe that I am finding answers. I have been struggling to write for a while but just found out I am getting my certificate from UCLA Extension for Creative Non Fiction. Coincidence?
I began helping a dear friend of mine, and already I am getting more in return than he is. Helping others is helping yourself is what I am learning. He has been struggling, and at first I thought he just needed financial help, but it was really more than that. We have reconnected in our old ways, and suddenly I see myself being an attorney. and it hits me maybe that was the plan all along. Maybe it was not a coincidence…
Today starts my efforts to become a different me. Ok, maybe that’s a bit over dramatic. What I mean perhaps is today I begin the process of going back to who I was just a few months ago. I was working, working out, writing, and just all around doing the things that made me who I think I am. A few months ago, something happened to me that radically changed. I don’t mean to be secretive but it is the kind of thing that those close to me know, but is not really information you share with others unless you want sympathy. That’s exactly what I DON’T want so instead I will annoy you with this mini non-explanation. I can no longer work out due to medical reasons. I can walk. That’s about it. For someone like who has always ran ahead without thinking, this usually means torture. Yet, I realize that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson. All the directions and signposts I missed while racing, I now I have the time to stroll by to read and learn.
The one thing that did come back to me through this recent trauma. I missed writing. Like bad. The kind of missing that suddenly made me wonder why I stopped in the first place. I have always written when things are bothering me, but reading some of my old posts made me realize that a lot of them were almost vendetta-like. I was more interesting in hurting others or whining than really writing so hopefully that stops. Recently, I have been reading www.zenhabits.com, and one of the suggestions from the site is breathe, and let things flow through, and as my very wise best friend Jemal told me to be a rock and let the stream go through instead of fighting it. So today, I will begin the process of becoming a rock. To breathe. To stay calm. To not worry about the life lost, but celebrate the very wonderful life I do have. Here goes.
Sitting in the quietness of the day, I now know that I am not alone anymore. Prior days, weeks, months that were spent alone are now shared with someone I love deeply. It’s an intense feeling, shimmering over my thoughts briefly, sprinkling my days with a deep longing for the one gone temporarily. I no longer have an emptiness in my soul or the need to fill myself with temporary distractions just so I feel as if I am alive. Looking around my friends, I see some who are alone, who are going through the same struggle as I did when no one could fill the void in their soul. Sure, we all have false starts and even perhaps some slight promise of one or two who may be the one, but deep in our hearts we already know that is not true. As someone with several failed relationships, I am well aware that more times than not, we breathe life and personalities into people just because on the surface they seem so right with us. In a way, we try to force upon ourselves and the person, who they SHOULD be rather who they ARE.
Yet, I also know the hard truth that this battle is theirs alone, and the only thing we can do is to love them as our own and be there when they ask for us. You cannot force yourself upon anyone, no matter how great your intentions. That’s a hard lesson for me, as my instinct is to always jump in to help. But just like with success, a friendship or a relationship can only move forward when we accept who we are and stop trying to change the one we want them to.
Of course, nothing I am saying is new or even perhaps original, just that it’s funny how all of us at one time or another go through the same experience, but really just fail to realize that there is always someone who has gone through exactly the same thing. My point? Look around you, and you will always find the support, love and kindness you need. You just have to believe that you are NOT alone…
So admit, lately I have fallen into the trap of judging people almost instantly and what’s worse they are people who were once close to me or near me physically. I realize now that a struggle it is to remember to just breathe and start the day blank instead of being pummeled by a 100 thoughts of what I need to get done. As I read and write more, get more enjoyment from the simple moments of life, I see now that I have to make an effort to stay present, connected with what I am feeling but not be overwhelmed by it. It’s a struggle not to speak in frustration and anger. While the need to be firm is important, I easily dive into anger a bit too quickly.
Moreover, the worst is the recent gossiping I have begun to do, putting down people for minor (at least in the long run) and trivial things that did not matter to me before. Part of the problem of being in a close group that shares information is that the littlest things get transmitted instantly and the reaction even quicker. I see now that I am contributing as much to the problem as others, and the only I can hold responsible is myself.
Yet I ask what it is that is making me behave this way? What makes me put down some people trivial things, and others that I no longer begrudge the benefit of the doubt. I just assume that lowest common denominator about them, yet it is I who is lacking in basic civility. Now it would be easy to confront some or speak my mind to others, yet the real problem is myself. I do not know how to speak bluntly but without emotion. I somehow manage to sound irritated, petty, annoyed, all at the same time. The eloquence I think I have seems to abandon me at the crucial moments, and I see what I need to work on.
Recently, I have begun to get agitated at some for not following through for something that seems quite obvious to me in order to better their lives. But I know it’s not up to me how people choose to live their lives or make their decisions. I must remember that we each live our own moments, through our own ideals, right or wrong. All I can really do is to stop gossiping about it. I cringe as I see that word in print.
Yesterday, I leaned into it. Myself that is, the minor irritations, the anxiety about not writing, the deadline to get the assignment done even half-assed. I acknowledged I was hooked, leaned into it, took 3 deep breaths, and relaxed, actually that’s not quite accurate, I actually enjoyed and appreciated everyone, the Natural warmth came out right away! I spend an interesting hour talking to my father in law, getting to know him, another with her best friends about the day, and what they were up to, and for a while, it almost seemed like a party in the Oncology module. We ate with her, and laughed and although Kaiser nurses especially seemed intent on kicking us out of the treatment every 5 minutes, the time we all spent together made the 5 hours go by quickly.
I could not believe how generous everyone with their time and spirit. From someone driving from the Valley just to drive her 5 minutes, to others coming right after work, and one even skipping work to come spend time with her. As I relaxed, I saw the true warmth and openness of others, and I was ashamed at my earlier reactions. I leaned into that, breathed it in, recognized it for what it was: hurt at feeling alone and just plain loneliness. I lashed out for no other reason than because it was easy to do, and I felt better temporarily. So now I work on pausing, leaning in, taking the breathing in and just relaxing and letting go.
Thank you, Pema Chodrom, your book Taking The Leap has touched my life.
thank you all for your texts, calls, Facebook messages and prayers for her as we go through this very difficult time. I do apologize if I hurt any of you in any way. I hope I can fix that, and know that you are all appreciated for all that you have done and will do.
Yesterday was an amazing day. Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself. It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together. The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here! Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together. The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several. There was my mother in well as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others. Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .
I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others. No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go). I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me. In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry. To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing. It really isn’t about them. It’s about me. I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly. In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it. Ok, I almost said that with a straight face. No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing. So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more. After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up. I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well. As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone. I have others I can trust with my life including my new family. And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.
When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past. I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain. Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are? We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.
Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help. I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no. I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity. I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch. An emotionally unstable whiner. A loner. I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are. So yes I am a bitch. I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character. Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).
I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people. I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well. I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Except for me as well, duh! Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂
