Tag: Health

Family, Myself

Thank you!

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today, I drove in silence from Artesia to Torrance because the cacophony in my head just wouldn’t allow for any outside noise?  A sample:  When should I do www.lumosity.com and www.babbel.com? When should I edit my final essay for UCLA Extension writing class? What should we do this week (I really want to take my wife somewhere nice, new and romantic)?  How can I save more money?  Why won’t XYZ take my advice, and on and on the noise went until I realized that this internal dialogue I was having was only making me feel inadequate.  As much as I want to accomplish more in my life, and be better for the ones around me. I have to take pause and congratulate myself for the things I do accomplish. Take today for example. I had a friend call me and thank for me supporting him while he was unemployed. Now he had a job.  That’s a real cause for celebration, and shows that people do care.

I had another friend whose mom passed away from cancer. He was with her when she took her last breath.  I cannot love this guy enough for his selflessness, and the genuine love he showed me recently when I was in the hospital.  In fact, his entire family has shown me nothing but kindness, and love.  I will never forget that. So I took a moment to thank both these friends for being in my life.  And then I was blessed with a best friend who not only listens to me whine and complain, but also keeps giving me solid advice  (which I normally fail to take)IMG_0368.  Finally. I have a dear friend whose wonderful father is fighting (and I know beating) pancreatic cancer.  So what’s my point in all this?  That instead of all the random worries I have, I need to take a moment and appreciate and thank for who and what I have in my life.  It’s easy enough to say, but quite hard to do, so today I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have done so much for me.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

 

Myself, Writing

Going Back To Cali Cali

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today starts my efforts to become a different me.  Ok, maybe that’s a bit over dramatic.  What I mean perhaps is today  I begin the process of going back to who I was just a few months ago.  I was working, working out, writing, and just all around doing the things that made me who I think I am.  A few months ago, something happened to me that radically changed.  I don’t mean to be secretive but it is the kind of thing that those close to me know, but is not really information you share with others unless you want sympathy. That’s exactly what I DON’T want so instead I will annoy you with this mini non-explanation.  I can no longer work out due to medical reasons.  I can walk.  That’s about it.  For someone like who has always ran ahead without thinking, this usually means torture.  Yet, I realize that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson.  All the directions and signposts I missed while racing, I now I have the time to stroll by to read and learn.

The one thing that did come back to me through this recent trauma. I missed writing. Like bad.  The kind of missing that suddenly made me wonder why I stopped in the first place.  I have always written when things are bothering me, but reading some of my old posts made me realize that a lot of them were almost vendetta-like. I was more interesting in hurting others or whining than really writing so hopefully that stops.  Recently, I have been reading www.zenhabits.com, and one of the suggestions from the site is breathe, and let things flow through, and as my very wise best friend Jemal told me to be a rock and let the stream go through instead of fighting it.  So today, I will begin the process of becoming a rock. To breathe. To stay calm.  To not worry about the life lost, but celebrate the very wonderful life I do have.  Here goes.

Myself, Preeti

Fences: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

Sometimes words can do more damage to your soul and personality that it can take months to repair the person you thought you were.  Recently, I inflicted serious emotional injuries on someone very close to me, not realizing that instead of being there as a person, I became an aloof prick .  The change was not sudden, but sad to say it took me a few days to see how far I had drifted on the person I used to be.  What is the point of growing up or having all the material wealth in the word when I managed to push people who fill my heart and soul with love?

In just a few minutes, I created a fence for that special someone who is now barbed with hurt, distrust but most of all disbelief that I could be this way.  The excuses are many, but the reality is I forgot for a bit how incredibly lucky I am to have the people I do in my life.  Sure, there are some new additions but I have been truly given gifts that I have not treated invaluable

In the end, words are easy to say and fling around but the journey back to love will take time, and I will need to once again prove why I am the best choice.  It has not helped at all that what I did was in front of people who think very less of me now, and it definitely has taken away a lot of the privacy I desired (ironic, I know since I am blogging about it but here at least it’s in generalities).  Now, I have to face some when all I want to do is wish I was invisible and never be seen again.  But I deserve it so it shall be.  The fence was created by me, and instead of keeping someone close to me, I managed to create a divide…

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My Past, Myself, Preeti

Roaming Thoughts: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Parts of the city of Geneva and Lake Geneva wi...
Image via Wikipedia

The buzz of the birds shines outside our window in Geneva, Switzerland, jet lag still a dear friend so as she breathes heavily due to an impromptu day nap, I sit myself in front of you to spill the churning thoughts inside me.   Poetic I am not, overly bored definitely.  I am smiling involuntarily as images of dancing with my friends and family is still looking to be filed away to become a distant memory yet the amazing wedding and love shown are making me reluctant to tuck away wedding month of celebration.  I dare not admit that 5 years ago, this seemed impossible, with many writing off (including myself) a big wedding, instead hoping someone from her side would show up.   Yet, I seem hard pressed to remember that time, instead I am surrounded by smiling happy faces from both sides, her loving brothers, her amazing parents and finally my always there family, culminating in 7 perfect events, 1000s of pictures, 100s of hours of movie footage but more than a lifetime of commitment to each other and our families, yet somewhere lost between are the small little moments we had, rough to sweet and I wonder what it is that makes a marriage (yeah, can you tell I am married now)?  When does a couple stop being lovers and friends and move on to becoming a loving partnership?  I ask because only in a true partnership can we accept each other strengths and weaknesses, soldering them together to become even stronger, even more agile and finally even more loving.  When we are lovers and friends, we each have distinct needs and wants that need to be taken care of, but in a marriage everything becomes conjoined, shared, split, experienced together otherwise your just two really good roommates who happen to get it on once in a while, aren’t we?

So here I sit, while her snoring gets louder, and I still at the various images hitting my head, from the little things friends did for me (sing when they weren’t planning on it, plan a bachelor party for 13 loud and picky guys, fly down even thought we hadn’t seen each other in years), just a multitude of kindness that I am not sure I can ever repay to the present moment.  She lies in bed snoring away at 9pm (12 noon our times) and in room my thoughts roam and I wonder (yet again), how I ever got this lucky. 🙂  It is becoming hard to sign off, to stop this post because the smile is not going away but the dread of what lies in the future remains.  So she snores and I roam…

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Family, Myself

Regret: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
UBC Hospital
Image via Wikipedia

“Hey Sanjay, your _______ has been taken to the hospital.  Nothing to be worried about and…” the rest of the words were a blur as the immense guilt overwhelmed as I imagined that person not being part of my life.  In mili seconds, all the memories, half-said reminders to do more, talk more, spend more time with that all important person hit, and I numbly went through the motions of changing out of my workout clothes and got into the shower.  The water touched my body but not my mind, and I cannot remember if I had soaped myself or just stood in the water, aching for all the things I never got around to doing with them.  “Please, please let it be all ok. Please let them be here” I prayed to the nameless entity, my entire soul focused on the regrets of not doing more, of the last time I met them and the laughter we shared. I just could not imagine not seeing them during my wedding, now only 28 days more and wondered what kind of cruel Being takes away even that much happiness from me and them.

It was at 1am and as I sat in that hospital room, relieved that for now everything was ok, I was ashamed at my selfishness.  I only thought about me and my feelings, and tried to imagine how they must feel to lie in that bed and know that each subsequent hospital visit could be their last.  I watched as they breathed gently, at peace and smiling drowsily each time the nurse came by, jarring us both with the harsh light, apologizing for intruding but not really meaning it.

So there we sit in that room, regret my friend while relief the soldier who conquered that small room, allowing for another day, another moment, of just being with them.

Darkness. Light. Regret.  Relief.  We are who we allow ourselves to be.

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Myself

Bridge: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

As I look at the beautiful picture done by my best friend Jemal, I realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life.  Sure, there were some days when I felt as if I was besieged and just taken advantage of, yet the reality was that no one did anything out of the ordinary.  It’s just that my perception of life has made question some basic things in my life such who are my friends?  I put so much importance in being liked that I forgot that no one can make you bad about yourself without your consent.

I realize now that I was unhappy with myself, and for that the only changed that was needed on my ability to deal with it.  Work has transformed into something I want to expand on, going out on new things a passion, working out so I can get the body I want a habit that I am unwilling to compromise for anyone.  I am now also around people who enable me my good habits rather than regret my past and my new decisions in life.  There are some in my life who are so unhappy with themselves that nothing I say or do can change that.  You know what, that’s their problem not mine.

I cannot change anyone except for myself, and until I do I will constantly be worried or annoyed about things that do not matter.  There are some near me in need of severe guidance but it’s not my job to fix them.  As hard as that is sometimes to recognize, I now know that I can only be there if needed or asked.  I was overly involved or affected by others and their habits when in fact the real culprit was my frustration with my failures or inability to get things done.  I can only be a bridge if people choose to use me as that tool.  I cannot force them to do things that they are unwilling or incapable of doing.  Does that mean I don’t care?  No, just that I no longer will interfere.  Just like the beautiful bridge, I will be here for the crossing when asked. 🙂