Tag: Health

Family, Myself

A Strange Year

Sanjay Sabarwal

frustration_relief2

It strikes me as crazy what I have gone through this year. From brain surgery to running a 10K to working a carnival for the underprivileged and donating goods on Skid row, I feel as if this has been the most complete year in my life. I also managed to submit a short story as well as am actively praying and meditating. As much as all of this sounds like bragging (or perhaps repetitive), what I am trying to really say that I can improve my willpower just by sheer repetition and a desire to be and do better. I couldn’t have predicted the surgery, but the main lesson I did learn was that if not now, then when?

My wife and family got quite a scare, and I know they have been very patient with my crazy ideas of running the 10K or going on skid row. Hell, they have even accepted me promoting again.  I now see that I am only stopped by what my reluctance to do things rather than anything else. I have nurtured some relationships, and others, well I have let wither because I know now that spending time on things and people who don’t help me grow in some way just is not worth it.

I also see that my recent posts have been about my aversion to staying still. There is so much I want to achieve, and if I don’t keep move, I will stagnated. There is a part of my brain that has become a bit spongy, but I am not going to let the rest of it go to shit. I refuse to. So yes 2013, you had your fun with me, but 2014, I am coming for you.  Watch out, bitch!

Family, Myself, Random

Walking Dreams

Sanjay Sabarwal

A gray morning. Perfect for my fuzzy thoughts as I pulled Bella along our 2 mile walk (the pedometer on my iphone told me so). I wondered what my obsession was with tracking all that I did lately.  As if the pedometer made the walk real, or it made it more than me just being the valet for my dog to take her shits’ which I dutifully scooped up. Or perhaps it was a way to distract myself from seeing the hurt on my parent’s face as they still processed what someone close to us had done. We don’t mention their names anymore, but that doesn’t make them disappear, in fact, it makes the hurt deeper. Their recent actions now are scrutinized under new lenses, and it makes me wonder when they began resenting or perhaps even hating us to do this.  I want to ask why they didn’t tell us what they wanted, but maybe they didn’t want our input or perhaps wanted to get away from our shadow to mark their own territory.

Yet I know that stepping on someone’s back to get up maybe OK occasionally, but not to break it. Each day, I want to text or email them ranting away, but really it’s just pain I want to get out. The pain of lost holidays, and the loss of seeing their faces. The number of relationships that we thought were made of love now just a shared last name. And Bella keeps tugging, the pedometer keeps recording steps, and I struggle to be grateful for the rising sun, and the slowly awakening street. I as for forgiveness for my unkind thoughts, and ask for the strength to forgive who just threw away a relationship like an empty wrapper.

I turn on the app TuhiTuhi, and I get lost in the voice of Veer Manpreet Singh, and for the next 15 minutes I just listen with an open heart and express my gratitude for being still being on this earth, still having the ability to walk my dog just 9 months after brain surgery. It hits me that I am recording everything because I wish to remember that I am not sitting idle. I am not letting life pass by, but am trying to live it each day to the best of my ability. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Brownness

Family and Betrayal

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lady Jayne: Killer
Lady Jayne: Killer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past week, my family found out about a betrayal that really shook us up.  I wish I go into details for those of you who love gossip (and the betrayers), but I also know that will just make things worse. All week,  I have watched the hurt on my parents face’s. I know my best friend doesn’t understand what the big deal is. At first, I was annoyed with him but yesterday I watched Soul Connection 34  by BK Shivani which happened to be on Betrayal and Forgiveness (no such as coincidence as Sumita would say). In a nutshell, the episode states that when we say someone has betrayed our trust, what we really mean is that they have behaved differently from how we want them to be. And all we are doing is creating negative emotions and energy that hurt us not the other person. What we really need to do is forgive ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that what the betrayers did was right, but our negative feelings only make us feel lower. They make us less calm. They make us drift from the present. They make me want to yell, shout and really wonder what family means.  To me, it has become quite clear who my family is, and while there are some in my life who feel like they will never be family, what they don’t know is that they are even closer. As if I breathe them with each thought and feeling in my life. I almost wish they could read my soul, but I digress.

And to the ones who picked money over family, they just don’t exist in my life anymore. They cut the cord, and instead of me hanging on or around, I am letting them go. I wish I was big enough to wish them luck, but they have made it clear that they want nothing from me or my family. So Goodbye it is. May you find what you are looking for.

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Myself

Below Average

Sanjay Sabarwal
Flag of the Sikh Empire, french flag overlaid ...
Flag of the Sikh Empire, french flag overlaid with waheguru written in punjabi across the front (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Cue Simran from the Tuhi Tuhi app.  I am absolutely in love with those words.  They bring me peace. Well at least on most days.   “You have scored below average on some key areas of your memory and reason” the doctor explained calmly over the phone to me yesterday.  I still hear echoes of it. Me?  Below average? It can’t be. Over and over. Below average in 3 out of 5 main areas of memory.  He went on for 15 minutes, but I couldn’t tell you what he said. I could blame that my short-term memory which has declined as per the doctor, but it’s more likely that I felt defeated in that moment. 3 months of meditation, BK Shivani, Babel.com, Lumosity.com, reading  and exercise seem to be all for nothing, I could explain that my reason has declined as per the doctor, or that I have a hard time visualizing places, things and events making it hard for  me to remember directions or recent events or people. I could just believe  I am below average.  Keeps echoing. Almost at pace of the simran in the background…  Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale out.

My stroke and brain surgery had taken a part of me. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel alone.  I cannot be below average. That just is not in my vocabulary.  Fuck you stroke. Fuck you brain surgery. YOU. WILL. NOT. TAKE ME. I will not allow you take anything of mine anymore. You won the first and second round, that’s all. Last one is mine, or I am going down swinging. You will not take me dignity. My creativity. My reasoning. My love. My family. My friends. My reasoning. My words.

Tuhi Tuhi.  Waheguru.  I have faith. I am the creator of my thoughts, feelings and actions. They make my destiny. Anger is poison. Anger destroys. Relationships, will, love.  I know that. I will not bow down to negativity. I will not let anything or anyone take me from me.  I am not below average.  I am me.

The doctor said to get retested in January. I am going to, and I will keep at it until I get back who I was. Breath out the anger, hate, frustration and breath in the calm. Waheguru.

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Myself

Transitions

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today, my niece turned 18.  She is the second to do so.  I also have a 21-year-old niece.  There is nothing like seeing others grow up to realize that you no longer can pretend to be young.  It’s really quite amazing to see someone grow up into an adult right in front of your eyes.  It’s also a surreal week as last week I witnessed the burial of a dear friends father.  Life. Death. Growth. That’s what we are surrounded by, yet we constantly get caught up in the mundane. We do not realize how lucky we are to have the ones we have in our lives.  We ignore that we are all beautiful souls who are just here temporarily and perhaps instead of really enjoying each others presence, we let the worry of money, work and conflict drive each day.

I realize that I am being preachy so perhaps I need to switch from We to I.  This is my daily journey. Each morning, I have been waking up and really trying to spend some time with myself. It’s as if I have become a stranger to myself. So many random thoughts swirling around, and I see that a majority of them are negative.  I see that I am creating so much negative energy, and so now I try to refocus. It has led me to know how lucky I am to have met my friend’s father one last time before he passed.  To be touched by the earth in my hands as I bid him farewell on his new journey, and to be blessed to have known him and his daughter.  I also could not be more proud of my friend’s husband, a new father and a relatively new son-in-law, who took care of the family as his own. It was truly inspiring to see him be there for them.

I am surrounded by love, pain, grief, anger, but most importantly inspiration. If I could just allow myself to see life as what it really is, I would be a better person for it. It is a continuous teacher, lover, and philosopher.  So today as I wish my niece a beautiful birthday, I also wish my dear friend and her family a beautiful day in memory of their luck in having uncle in their lives. I know I feel blessed with the people in my life.

Myself

Flossing

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: Floss Pick
English: Floss Pick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I admit that flossing was not something I thought or cared about much until a few months ago. To be quite honest, I am not even sure if I am still doing it correctly. And that’s after I went and checked several sites and videos. It finally hit me that the main reason I did not know how to floss was because I was unclear on the reasons to floss. I was using it as a pick to remove food and while that’s made easier with the floss pick, it never occurred to me that the real reason was to remove plaque buildup. (Hang in there, don’t give up on this post  as a way for me to promote floss picks).  Here I was, a 41-year-old who just started flossing regularly, yet I had several nagging questions.  How many picks do you use to floss? 1 for upper and 1 for lower is how I started? Do I just  running it between the teeth and just go back and forth?  This one I didn’t figure out till much recent that you need to use it to scrape the plaque of the sides of the teeth and gently use it on the gumline to get out anything stuck there.

Before you wonder how I have so much time to waste. Flossing truly represents my journey of trying to be a better person. I know that I have to give myself as much time to improve myself as I do for things for others. I know that I am giving myself an edge against heart disease because let’s face it, I have begun the slow descent into deterioration that we call aging. If I don’t arm myself accordingly then I have one to blame but myself. And at the end of the day I have to live with myself.

 

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