It’s a slippery slope some times to get back to an old life with new promises and ideals when more than anything else, I want to avoid some things that were not good. Before getting sick, I was unmotivated, unorganized, stuck in a daily battle of some sort or another. Back in the reins of work, I realize that just have a to do list is meaningless when the list is not producing, it’s just a list of things meant to fill up the day. ((Taken from Getting Things Done by David Allen)
I realize now that it takes work getting organized, and getting the most out of my routine. No longer am I bored, but I have to be careful not get overwhelmed and there are so many things I want to achieve. From the one to one class, to the ADP training to doing more in HR, I know I have lots to learn but more so than that to DO. The learning part is almost easy and even fun, but it’s the implementation that’s tough. I am still in that mode of surface satisfaction rather than the deeper dive into getting better.
I keep forgetting to breath, to let go, to not get lost in anger (she can attest to that) or lost in the details of accumulating details and tasks and asking myself where is it that I wish to end up? That’s the real question, the only question really. So I need to keep climbing that slope knowing that some days I will slip back into the mud but other days, I will be free.
The mural next to these words marks a strong contrast to the real world facing me outside: grey, dreary, drizzling enough so even the dog doesn’t want to go around and sniff aimlessly. Just paid all the bills and miraculously have exactly 11 cents to my name, well to our names to be precise, so I have plenty to frown about, but I am not. In fact, seems nothing can get me down.
The heart is light, can’t stop smiling, and looking forward to the week ahead. It’s funny how certain things don’t matter as much when so much has happened. Friends who you cared about deeply barely a bleep, strangers who you ignored now dear acquaintances, but you know over all, that you matter a lot to many out there, and that’s enough. Each one in our lives contributed the way they could, or better yet the way they were meant to. This was our battle, and they were just the small break shops that give you water and food so you have the strength to keep going. Blaming those for not running with you was not only realistic but completely unfair. True, the damage is done but I know my friends, they will bounce back since those who know me well know that I hold no ill will. More like, it was a cry for help but I managed to push some away and for that I will always be sorry. The choice to continue is really up to them because although I am sorry, I am not going to be a slave to regret for the rest of my life.
I finished my first short story in years, and while I am tempted to share it here, I know it still needs to be tightened up more. Who knew in the whirling days of chemo and radiation, an idea would be born. On this dreary day, my heart shines, smiling at the thought of her being almost done. Nothing else matters really. All the old accusations, decisions, bad thoughts, put away to stand clear for the finish line. Who knew that in a matter of weeks, we will put this saga behind us and while the results are not 100%, they are good enough for me. Can/t worry about what’s not there or has not happened. Actually, that’s not true. It is 1005 over in a week, and what will come next, I cannot worry about. For now, I have her to love fully, full-time, and always. Also my dear friends and family who are always there. We are almost there, thank you for coming along this bumpy ride. Hope I didn’t scar you too much. 🙂
The mural next to these words marks a strong contrast to the real world facing me outside: grey, dreary, drizzling enough so even the dog doesn’t want to go around and sniff aimlessly. Just paid all the bills and miraculously have exactly 11 cents to my name, well to our names to be precise, so I have plenty to frown about, but I am not. In fact, seems nothing can get me down.
The heart is light, can’t stop smiling, and looking forward to the week ahead. It’s funny how certain things don’t matter as much when so much has happened. Friends who you cared about deeply barely a bleep, strangers who you ignored now dear acquaintances, but you know over all, that you matter a lot to many out there, and that’s enough. Each one in our lives contributed the way they could, or better yet the way they were meant to. This was our battle, and they were just the small break shops that give you water and food so you have the strength to keep going. Blaming those for not running with you was not only realistic but completely unfair. True, the damage is done but I know my friends, they will bounce back since those who know me well know that I hold no ill will. More like, it was a cry for help but I managed to push some away and for that I will always be sorry. The choice to continue is really up to them because although I am sorry, I am not going to be a slave to regret for the rest of my life.
I finished my first short story in years, and while I am tempted to share it here, I know it still needs to be tightened up more. Who knew in the whirling days of chemo and radiation, an idea would be born. On this dreary day, my heart shines, smiling at the thought of her being almost done. Nothing else matters really. All the old accusations, decisions, bad thoughts, put away to stand clear for the finish line. Who knew that in a matter of weeks, we will put this saga behind us and while the results are not 100%, they are good enough for me. Can/t worry about what’s not there or has not happened. Actually, that’s not true. It is 1005 over in a week, and what will come next, I cannot worry about. For now, I have her to love fully, full-time, and always. Also my dear friends and family who are always there. We are almost there, thank you for coming along this bumpy ride. Hope I didn’t scar you too much. 🙂
Yesterday was an amazing day. Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself. It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together. The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here! Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together. The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several. There was my mother in well as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others. Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .
I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others. No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go). I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me. In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry. To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing. It really isn’t about them. It’s about me. I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly. In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it. Ok, I almost said that with a straight face. No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing. So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more. After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up. I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well. As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone. I have others I can trust with my life including my new family. And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.
When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past. I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain. Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are? We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.
Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help. I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no. I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity. I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch. An emotionally unstable whiner. A loner. I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are. So yes I am a bitch. I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character. Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).
I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people. I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well. I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Except for me as well, duh! Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂
In the fading light of the day, I say a small prayer for my friend’s father who passed away 2 nights ago. The house is quiet as usual, and she rests uneasily but expectantly for the nausea to follow. A friend had just visited, the worry lines creased deep into her forehead due to the recent seizure experienced by her little brother. 2011 seems to be foreboding, and I wonder if more bad news is to come.
But that really is the easy way out. What is it about a series of bad events that makes us believe that we are unlucky or somehow cursed? I close my eyes and see my family, and nothing but joy gratitude and loves comes into my soul. There is not a single relative that I don’t love with all my heart and soul. It almost seems like heresy to believe that I have the perfect family. I know my love for them is imperfect because I do not thank God or revel in my blessings of having a truly amazing family enough. I would daresay that my family is worlds better than the ones I hear about in fictional novels. I have the ULTIMATE FAMILY, and their wondrous love and prayers are the reason I can sit here clacking away while she struggles with her pain.
Their thoughts and prayers are the reason I know with all my heart and soul that this too shall pass. That this stupid Cancer is merely a minor bump on the long road of life. And I pray even harder. Pray for my blessings, pray that I am at the unfortunate cross roads to hear about friends parents dying, sibling suffering uncalled for pain, and it makes me ache for my mom and dad who are merely a block away from me physically but always reside in my heart. I fall in love each time my sisters come over or her brothers do. Her mom’s pain reverberates in my heart, and I wish I could inhale all their worry and fear. So I thank God yet again for joining us with them. For giving us real soldiers so we can mercilessly kill the killer.
And then I come to my friends. I always thought I had a few good friends, but this recent adventure of ours has introduced me to an amazing soul:Biba, who has selflessly given her time and energy to heal the love of my life. She made the chemo session seem as just a routine doctor’s visit and I do not think I can ever thank enough. And then there are others who think they can achieve comfort by merely texting or leaving quick voice mails. Don’t get me wrong the concern is real but it’s minuscule as if the disease she’s batting is minor or one that can fit in 140 characters or less. The sad part is that healing her takes nothing more than their physical contact but it’s treated as if she’s not worth that. And it hurts. But we move on because we have to, and we will remember. They are the past, and the future we have looks brighter due to the shining souls in our life. The rest of them can take their indifferent asses back to Facebook, Twitter and texts, and become as irrelevant as the social media horse they rode in on.
Today was one of her good days, and the old beautiful smile of hers returned as well as the desire to put something of substance in her stomach instead of my constant pleas to eat. I also learned that the fear of the many horrors they told us about had not manifested yet, and I thanked God for the break in schedule. Instead of a full week full of anxiety dreading the side effects, we got a small dosage of what was to come, and for that I am thankful.
I have much to learn that much I realize now and accept. While a chance comment from one of her dear friends that I was a “robo husband” hurt my feelings for a second, the reality was that it hurt because it was true. I am constantly struggling between being a caregiver rather than a caretaker. I know for her what’s more important is not someone who can attend to all her physical needs but someone who can replenish her with love and care (a gentle reminder from another good friend of hers).
I am not going to lie, that’s exactly what I am scared of. Between constantly wanting her to be comfortable and trying to provide her all the comforts of the world, I am worried I am not up to the task, that what I am doing is hollow and meaningless. This is no longer someone who is sick, but my wife and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. What scares me is not knowing what will happen, and when the side effects will take form and then it hits me that I am again failing to be in the NOW. I cannot control what she will go through nor can I stop the process. And then it hits me that I have to be full myself before I can empty myself into her. I need to do what makes me, ME or I will just remain a caretaker.
I know she knows that I love her deeply but the reality is I need to show it more than just feeding her medications at the right time or filling the fridge with her favorites. I have to stop being robotic or worse just a caretaker. I also see now that is how I am dealing with her pain, by compartmentalizing her into a schedule which does not allow for her to express her emotional pain and frustration. I have to let her have the slice of pizza without the admonition to not put red peppers on it or take her medication as I scheduled. I just have to let her be, let her get it out, whatever she is feeling because the cancer is not just physical, it’s also taken over her mind. I cannot be a Robocop, not allowing her to go through all the motions she needs to in order to get a grasp of what has happened to her.
As I struggled with my guilt, I received a wonderful email from a stranger who encouraged me to go on, to keep on writing to figure out what we are going through and suddenly that one page email reminded me that I have all the tools to make her get through this and that is through friends, family but most importantly me (as self-important as that sounds).
And so a week ends, and we begin anew again tomorrow. I think I know what I must do, and for now that is enough.
To the nameless friends and strangers who gave me the idea for this post: Thank You.
