Tag: God

Brownness, Myself, Random

Choices

Sanjay Sabarwal
choice and context
choice and context (Photo credit: Will Lion)

I don’t always do the right thing. I realize that we each face moments every single day of our lives where we have a choice to do the right thing.  We could eat better. We could exercise. We could be better friends, lovers, and the list goes on and one. I know those are choices yet somehow as I get older, I find some choices easier to make than others. There are days I just don’t feel like eating or exercising right, but with people its different. I see now that if I choose wrong then there are consequences. When I choose to ignore my friend’s need to be heard, I take a little piece out of our friendship away. When I say a not very nice thing to a family or a partner, I cut into their trust and love for me.

Choices run my world. And I am lately seeing a pattern that I am not liking about myself. I am less friendly. I make unkind remarks off the cuff. I am not the Sanjay that many have known me for many years.  The only explanation I have is that my recent surgery have made me less certain of who I am. Whats the point of eating and exercise if I still had to get brain surgery? What’s the point of being patient when I see other make the silliest mistakes?  How can I stop loved ones from continuing on the wrong path?  Why are some people continually on the path of getting hurt when all they have to do is step back? On and on in my head, I see so much wrong, and I want to fix it all, but I cannot.

I forgot that it is a choice we make when we are around others. We cannot make others do what we want them to do. Intellectually, I know that but emotionally  I have lost patience. I no longer want to let others be, yet that is not something I should be involved in. I try to remind myself of that everyday.  I know I have to choose the right thing, yet more often than not I am struggling to do that. What was an innate part of my personality is something now I have to struggle to do.  I also know that is my personal battle. I cannot control anything or anyone except myself.

I have to choose to be me even though lately that is the hardest thing to be.

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Speak Less, Do More/Ask Less, Act More

Sanjay Sabarwal
Project Management Knowledge Areas
Image via Wikipedia

It’s funny that this topic about un-acted projects came up because due to this exercise, I am finally beginning on a project that has been on the back burner for months.  The main reason for it has been lack of focus and my emotional insistence that it is a huge project that I do not have time or knowledge for.  But yesterday, as I spent 20 minutes just breaking it down into smaller pieces, it hit me that the project had been HUGE in my mind but in reality was something quite doable if broken down and done little by little (how do you eat an elephant? piece by piece).

Just like my life, I have made it more complicated than needed, ignoring the reality that everything in my life is a combination of being blessed, luck, and hard work.  I am luckier than most, yet that does not explain away the success that has been around me.  When I am honest with myself, it’s my passion for music, friendship, love and family that have gotten me the benefits surrounding me.  I am well aware of how arrogant this post sounds yet that’s not really the intention.  It is just that I need to remind myself occasionally that I had a lot to do with my drive to be better and chances I have received in my life.  It has been much too each to defer to others and think they know me better than I know myself, but the real truth is that I have picked the advice that suits me best, ignoring others and that has been the key to who I am today.

P.S: Only 10 days left to the Ralph Waldo Emerson writing challenge and I am already eager to take on another so starting checking out www.meetup.com so I can become part of a writing group. 🙂

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Facing and Fearing: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lost: Missing Pieces
Image via Wikipedia

1) The cost of inaction is not much truth be told if I accept my life as it is.  I have amazing friends, family, wife and work yet what is missing is my creative soul.  I feel I traded that in somewhere in my first marriage and it has taken me decades to realize how much I miss it.  As materially wealthy as I am, my soul is poor and starved for action and the more I have done this writing exercise, the more I see how it is to get out of inaction.

I have so much more to gain by trying that the only failure that will string is the lost chances to write.  I see myself writing regularly and lately my visions for work and love have gotten clearer as if I was in a fog and until writing cleared away the cobwebs, I was merely content.  Now I am full of energy, working out, writing, loving, planning things, it’s as if I am running out of time, and I want to get it all done and now.

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One Strong Belief: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Have I Offended Someone?
Image via Wikipedia

Wow, ended up almost missing the deadline for posting today and the minutes wind down,  I can only pat myself that for once I am through.  The one strong belief that I have that is not shared by my friends or my family is my willingness to write out my thoughts, desires, and commentary about how things affect me.  It has always been easiest for me to express how I truly feel about things, and it has gotten me the most amount of criticism and fascination for those who are offended or moral voyeurs.  I have struggled all my life on how to balance what I need to get out versus on revealing too much about others or worse conflicting with some who have no idea how I feel until they read my words.  The one thing I have actively pursued is my desire to write, and while it sometimes it is far from honest, my recent flirtation with The Artists Way has shown that my belief in my writing is a reflection of my life and even if it offends others, it is my belief that for me to deal with things is to write about them.  No matter the consequences.

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Day By Day: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Everyday Life 87.jpg

What is it about ourselves that can allow us to focus so intently on our goals that we manage them while the rest of the time, we bemoan the lost times?  Lately, I have been reading, writing, doing classes, working out, working while catching up with old friends, and I feel so content and fulfilled.  I wonder why I don’t do this more often.  I want to show this Sanjay to the world especially Preeti and family that I am more than capable to handle all that world has to throw at me, yet something warns in my soul that this period is temporary, that I should hold off a bit longer before I make promises I cannot keep. It has been far too long where I have felt content and just feel myself in my skin.  I realize that I have let too many people in and crowd up my mind and soul.  I know that it will take some getting used to as I learn how to communicate and live better with change.

I realize now that not much has changed except I choose to perceive differently.  A few weeks ago what I felt was non stop irritation at my failure to get things done or get to a point where I was happy.  I slowed down, assessed the situation and saw that I am getting there, it’s just slower than I wanted it to be.  Also, I was allowing others to dictate what effected my life when really that’s my decision and no one else’s.  Sure, others can suggest, cajole, even demand but unless I say yes to it, it will not matter.  So back to the mindfulness, the deep breath, being present, and seeing that what’s happening isn’t that big of a deal in the longer term of things and suddenly life starts moving.  Dinners with old friends, connecting with one of my law school friends, working out and spending time with my parents suddenly appeared out of the blue because I allowed myself to say yes to those things rather than the whims and demands of others.

It’s definitely a work in progress and I see that my future depends on how I choose to let it treat me.  So day by day I keep focusing on the things that matter while putting aside the things that should never have in the first place.

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A New Mission: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
photo
 You ever feel like this priest, braving the world whipping around and the only thing holding you steady is your vision?  Or perhaps to you he seems like he has already given up, to others lost and perhaps to some, indifferent.  My point is simple, we are who we perceive ourselves to be.  Lately, I have had to made adjustments or (perhaps some would say corrections) to the things that I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed with.  Too often, I have gotten involved in other’s lives, whether they asked to or not and realized that I am unwanted.  In my quest to be all holy, I forgot one key things: let others live.
I have allowed too many small things to crowd my heart and soul when I already know what makes me happy (family, Preeti, working out, working, reading and friends).  If I just concentrate on just that, I have a plate full of memories and loving people.  If I constantly bitch and whine about others not responding, it is perhaps that I have created a barrier that will only heal with time.  I have to let things be and focus on who I want to be.  Realizing just that has eased so much of my tension that I now really wish to just focus on the ones close to me.  Of course, I define who those are, and while some relationships and friendships are natural, there are others created due to obligation and some because of distance.  Each deserves attention but mostly each needs its own space.  Not all friendships are meant to be combined, especially when their from key periods in your life that only you have experienced.
So now that I have allowed myself that space, I can truly enjoy the people in my life, albeit some from afar (as it should be) and some ignored (to save my sanity) while the rest growing into (hopefully) life long relationships.
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