Tag: Art

#30trust, Ziba

Dare to be Bold About Ziba: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
tabiat ziba
Image via Wikipedia

Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.

The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?

(Author: Matt Cheuvront)

The one thing I have always to accomplished to write a full length book, and the main obstacle really has been my fear and laziness in actually get my crap together, committing to a schedule and actually writing.  It’s a bit more complicated than that.  I am still unsure if I have a story in my life.  I know I want to write but about what, not sure exactly.  Well. that’s not true exactly.  I definitely want to write a memoir about Ziba and then perhaps about myself but I hesitate because I find the subject to be too large.  That’s not true either. I am just not committed to a schedule.  I feel that being General Counsel, I should focus more on that aspect for the day-to-day when my real talent and passion are in writing.  So I need to work on an outline, put down all the ideas, put them together in a coherent way and then get to writing.  The more I think about it, the memoir on Ziba would be fascinating as we went from a business that started on $2000 to over several million dollars as well expanding to become the industry leaders in the Eyebrow threading category.  Where I get stuck is more emotional in that what was my role in it, did I really do much more than ride its coattails, and only now can I confidently say that no I gave it my all.  My main obstacle is my lack of commitment to a schedule to just research, interview, and then write.  Until I treat it as a time sensitive project, it will not get done.

The other obstacle could be the topic itself, because as much as I want to write about Ziba, I am hesitant to since it’s family and perhaps a bit too personal  More than anything else, I want to be published and it is this uncertainty on what to write that I flounder yet as I write these words I know the story that has the greatest chance is the one about Ziba and it would also allow to write full time as this would be a “work” assignment so starting I commit to start this project September 1st (get the wedding and honeymoon done in style July, August, as well perhaps start on an outline) and commit to a complete rough draft by the end of 2011 (that would also solve one of my major goals before I turn 40).

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#30trust

15 Minutes to Live: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Image via Wikipedia

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

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I love you.  Thank you.  Those are the words I am going to repeat again and again to the ones that have always been close to me.  Mom, Dad, there isn’t much you have not done for me, yet I feel like I have always let you down.  I could have done so much more yet you never judged, always accepted who I was, and were there when I needed you.

Suman, my oldest and amazing sister.  As much as I always responded to you with irritation I realize now that everything you said to me always came from the same place of love and worry for your little brother.   For you, it did not matter that I fell repeatedly or made the same mistakes, for you all that mattered was that I was ok, and if I needed any help getting back.

Sumita, you are my second mom and as much as I fought that notion all my life, I now realize that there was a reason I needed two moms. I needed one that loved me unconditionally and another who loved me passionately but would not allow me to be the lower person that I managed to be some days.  You never gave up and your passion and creativity are the reason we are, I mean I am the success I am. I have all the material things I could want thanks to you.  And although we always differed on how to use our wealth, you have taught me that money isn’t just a means to an end, it can used as a sword to cut away a lot of the injustices in the world.

Preeti, to the one I have managed to hurt the most even though I have loved you from the moment I got to know you, I realize now how much you have been part of my life when I needed someone the most.  To you, saying I love you and thank you arent enough without adding I am so, so sorry for all the pain that I have caused you in your life.  I wish I could take all the pain away with me now just so finally you could have peace and the knowledge that no matter, I loved you with my entire soul.

Jemal, Vuong, Nik, Vuong, Raj

We meet at different times in our lives, and yet you all have been unwavering in your love and support for me even though I never managed to return the favor at times.  All I can say now is that you were always present in my thoughts even if by my action its appeared I did not.  Time is so short to explain how much I love you guys for making me a better human than I am.

Family

There are so many of you that have been there without complaint and comment in my life and have done so many things that if I had 15,000 minutes, I wouldn’t be able to describe all that you have added to my life.  I only pray I can come back in some form to repay you for all the love you gave me.  I truly am unworthy of such great family.

Rockwell, Noel, Vishal, Mike Fitz

To you, I owe a great thank you for always being around when I needed you even though the time gaps were large, nothing every changed between us except the deepening of our love for each other’s friendships.

The time draws close now, and I know there are dozens I have left out and will never get to them in time because all my life, I have received so much generosity and gifts that I could never pay back.  In these waning moments, I leave you this small words of thanks and love and hope that you can forgive me for my sins and remember that I meant no ill will.  I am who I was.  The rest, as they say is history.  Perhaps I made a mark in your life, but know one thing you definitely made one on me.  Thank you.

Myself

The Gossip

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lowest Common Denominator

So admit, lately I have fallen into the trap of judging people almost instantly and what’s worse they are people who were once close to me or near me physically.  I realize now that a struggle it is to remember to just breathe and start the day blank instead of being pummeled by a 100 thoughts of what I need to get done.  As I read and write more, get more enjoyment from the simple moments of life, I see now that I have to make an effort to stay present, connected with what I am feeling but not be overwhelmed by it. It’s a struggle not to speak in frustration and anger.  While the need to be firm is important, I easily dive into anger a bit too quickly.

Moreover, the worst is the recent gossiping I have begun to do, putting down people for minor (at least in the long run) and trivial things that did not matter to me before.  Part of the problem of being in a close group that shares information is that the littlest things get transmitted instantly and the reaction even quicker.  I see now that I am contributing as much to the problem as others, and the only I can hold responsible is myself.

Yet I ask what it is that is making me behave this way?  What makes me put down some people trivial things, and others that I no longer begrudge the benefit of the doubt.  I just assume that lowest common denominator about them, yet it is I who is lacking in basic civility.  Now it would be easy to confront some or speak my mind to others, yet the real problem is myself.  I do not know how to speak bluntly but without emotion.  I somehow manage to sound irritated, petty, annoyed, all at the same time.  The eloquence I think I have seems to abandon me at the crucial moments, and I see what I need to work on.

Recently, I have begun to get agitated at some for not following through for something that seems quite obvious to me in order to better their lives.  But I know it’s not up to me how people choose to live their lives or make their decisions.  I must remember that we each live our own moments, through our own ideals, right or wrong.  All I can really do is to stop gossiping about it.  I cringe as I see that word in print.

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Cancer, Myself, Preeti

Almost There

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

The mural next to these words marks a strong contrast to the real world facing me outside: grey, dreary, drizzling enough so even the dog doesn’t want to go around and sniff aimlessly. Just paid all the bills and miraculously have exactly 11 cents to my name, well to our names to be precise, so I have plenty to frown about, but I am not.  In fact, seems nothing can get me down.

The heart is light, can’t stop smiling, and looking forward to the week ahead. It’s funny how certain things don’t matter as much when so much has happened.  Friends who you cared about deeply barely a bleep, strangers who you ignored now dear acquaintances, but you know over all, that you matter a lot to many out there, and that’s enough.   Each one in our lives contributed the way they could, or better yet the way they were meant to.  This was our battle, and they were just the small break shops that give you water and food so you have the strength to keep going.  Blaming those for not running with you was not only realistic but completely unfair.  True, the damage is done but I know my friends, they will bounce back since those who know me well know that I hold no ill will.  More like, it was a cry for help but I managed to push some away and for that I will always be sorry.  The choice to continue is really up to them because although I am sorry, I am not going to be a slave to regret for the rest of my life.

I finished my first short story in years, and while I am tempted to share it here, I know it still needs to be tightened up more.  Who knew in the whirling days of chemo and radiation, an idea would be born. On this dreary day, my heart shines, smiling at the thought of her being almost done.  Nothing else matters really.  All the old accusations, decisions, bad thoughts, put away to stand clear for the finish line.  Who knew that in a matter of weeks, we will put this saga behind us and while the results are not 100%, they are good enough for me. Can/t worry about what’s not there or has not happened.  Actually, that’s not true. It is 1005 over in a week, and what will come next, I cannot worry about.  For now, I have her to love fully, full-time, and always. Also  my dear friends and family who are always there.  We are almost there, thank you for coming along this bumpy ride.  Hope I didn’t scar you too much. 🙂

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Myself

8:04 am

Sanjay Sabarwal
From http://hypernews.ngdc.noaa.gov
Image via Wikipedia

woke up abruptly with the assignment on my mind, but had the nagging feeling I was dreaming so tried to reconstruct that movie but mind was a blank. Coyldnt remember if I am supposed to write for 30 minutes or just a full page, but for now ignoring that nagging feeling that I am doing all this wrong and for once just letting the fingers do the talking.

Today was an experiment. Had accidently set the alarm for 8am, and everyday its interruoted me. The old me, would have shut it off and just gone back into the murky darkeness but lately I just stay awake and get up and begin my day. Its been tempting to treat this as a holiday but the fat is, I am itching to begin my new role as a writer, for once I am thrilled to actually so something that I want. oh yea, the experiment, turned off the alamr and went to bed around 2. Eyes opening with the mind anticipating being around 11. Nope, 8:04am blinked back at me. Thoughts tried to convince to lie in bed, that I would be too tired to put down any thoughts. That I needed to put my contacts, that I couldn’t handwrite, and I have never really wrote at this time, so I stayed in bed an additional 10 minutes but sleep was gone only the assignment was on my mind, and a guilt that if I didn’t get up today, I would never get up.

Have decided that I will write the first thing in the morning, I have the luxury of setting my own work schedule and if I can maintain this time and pace in the morning, I will do it. I actually feel quite accomplished when I put in the time, and I want that feeling to continue. It confirms for me that I really am ready to make the transition from my daily life to being a writer, yet I am hesitant to share it with my girlfriend or others, because I want to actually have some meat to share with them. Thats a lie actualy, I still don’t feel like a writer like I used to high school. The fact is, in the 4 years that I hae been with my girlfriend, she has a send a handful of pages of my work, and experience some cutsie poetry that I created for her in a rush in order to be super-romantic. She’s heard I am a good writer, and therein lies the problem. Everyone’s heard but no one’s really seen anything,

Pace is slow definitely slower today, but am also glancing at the clock less. A voice is trying to convince me that its already been 30 minutes but just like before I don’t believe her. I have a feeling I will know for sure when the time elapses. Just to comfort that paranoia, I glance up, and I have 5 minutes left but then I begin to wonder why did I think it 30 minutes and so I try to time travel to when I was doing the reading, but I don’t remember any numbers just the admonition to write in the twilight. Perhaps, the 30 minutes came from me, perhaps I don’t trust myself longer than that. Perhaps, I have compromised with my consciousness to only allow 30 minutes to be devoted to my old love, Perhaps, Time….