Brownness

Monday Breath

Sanjay Sabarwal

Monday-Blues-1As someone who has been on a kick of enjoying each day as it comes, as moments to be enjoyed in the present, today seems especially intent on kicking my ass. Rushing to work to do paperwork for a new hire, I managed to unhire that person in about 5 minutes, received a resignation letter from a new hire), realized that the last 2 short stories that I submitted to my critique group are utter shit, and felt sluggish and fat.  for not working out for 7 days (my jeans ripping a huge hole when I sat in my car did not help at all)
For a giant, anxiety choking moment, I felt like a true failure. I berated myself for not doing my job well, for pretending to be a writer, and becoming an obese slob. Oh how I ranted and lashed out at myself for not doing all that I was meant to be, and then I piled on for not doing Anki and Lumosity for severals weeks, and then the moment expanded to 10 minutes of pure self-pity. There was so much I was not doing, and not getting to, or letting it slide by. On and on it went, until I took a deep breath, and said stop. Enough.

A mini meditation for a minute brought me back to the present, to the now. Not to what I was not going but what I was. I was alive, breathing, still married to a beautiful soul, had the luxury of time to sulk, could delete/edit the words, could learn, had amazing friends and people in my life who filled me with such joy and thankfulness that I had to smile at that lousy moment. So instead of it becoming a hellish Monday, it just became a blip of regret. I still had the rest of the day.

And at the end, that’s all that matters.

Food For Thought, Myself, Writing

Not Always So/Empty Hands

Sanjay Sabarwal

Almost every day, I get the urge to blog. Yet it is not always so that I write. I  can’t remember how many blog posts  I have written in my head. I often wish for a machine that could just transcribe directly from my brain on to paper. I am pretty sure I am not the only one to fantasize about that.The worst is when I get ideas for a stories or essays, and in that one magical few moments, I can see the entire thing already completed. And then the next moment, poof, it’s gone. Sometimes my brain is smart enough to jot the idea down in my phone, but after a few days when I look at those words, it’s like they are gibberish. Yet the urge to write keeps striking, and so many days have gone by that it no longer made sense to wait. So even though life is not always so, today I am going to attempt to make sense of some of my thoughts.

So much has happened this past month. A good friend recently put together a great event called “The Empty Hands” tour.  When first approached about it, and after listening to the video that was created, I knew I had to attend. The concept was simple. A listening party at a generous friends place along with mini stories about gratitude, love, and forgiveness. The concept riveted me. Nimo Patel (formerly of the desi hip hop group Karmacy) has been living in India for almost 7 year now, and although he thought he was done with music, his experiences at Manav Sadhna struck the creative chord. I am going to admit, the old me would have dismissed all this as hokey and too New Age crap, but Nimo’s sincerity is not only infectious, it is inspiring. It is rare to find so many like-minded at the event who gave them time, attention and love all in the name of being better.

I cringe at the my inability to share the joy and admiration I felt to be part of that event, yet here I am trying. I am learning that is it not always so that life will be as one pictures it. It is not always so when the day will go as planned or the people in our life will treat us the way we wish to be treated. All we have are moments of the present to enjoy what’s out there. So New Age Sanjay says  that while sometimes it may feel or look like you are holding nothing in your hands, that is they are empty, but often than not, they carry our hopes and wishes as well as gratitude.

Brownness

5000 Words

Sanjay Sabarwal

words1Another beautiful morning in Southern California. So much so that many around me don’t even comment anymore that it’s 70 degrees already around 8am. We just take it for granted. Which led me to thinking that I accept a lot of things in my life with no comment. I spend so much time doing that I often miss the reason why I am doing something. For me, it’s easier to focus on a task rather than the reasons for it.  I think it’s because I am afraid of feeling overwhelmed.  Take ,for instance, my writing. I managed to finish my first 5000 word short story, and I was so excited that I sent it out to a few friends as well as my critique group without proof reading for typos and grammar.  Which would be fine except I have been working on the piece for over a month, and in my quest to get to 5000 words I overlooked the basic idea. I don’t want my readers to get bogged down with silly mistakes, but challenge me to improve on what I am writing. And so far everyone has done that, but as a writer I feel like I failed them because it should not be hard for a reader to see where you are going.

Several of them asked me some basic questions about the characters and motivations that should have been answered immediately but instead were lost because I failed to take a step back and read the entire story to ensure continuity. I got lost in the jungle of counting words rather than ensuring that story had a cohesive whole.  Don’t get me wrong. I am so glad to have people who are willing to take the time to go read for me, yet I also feel that I should have been fairer to them and not made their job harder by not doing my homework. This has been something of a constant struggle in my life. I get lost in tasks, and it is why I have added meditation to my day to be remind myself to be more mindful, to be present, to take a moment and look at the big picture. Frankly, it has been slow going, but you know what, that’s fine.

I am forever pushing myself, and am truly grateful for the ones in my life who help me along. My life is like 5000 words.  It’s not the amount that matters, it’s the story it tells.

Journal

Tough Mudder

Sanjay Sabarwal

I have to admit, I am more nervous than excited about the Tough Mudder I am about to take on Saturday.  We did a dry run of sort two weeks ago, and as one of the last people to come up the hill at the Top of the Mountain Trail, it suddenly it hit me that I am not very athletic.  Even in Junior high, I signed up for the Volleyball team, only to spend all my time on the bench except for the one time where the coach made me come in for a play, and I was able to block the spike. So five months of after school practice came down to one play. Then I also joined the track team, where I signed up to do the mile and I consistently came last.  I was so slow that the guy who won was one whole lap ahead of me.  Then in high school, I joined the wrestling team, and managed to lose every single match. Thank God. I never tried for the basketball team. That’s probably because I can’t dribble and run at the same time. Coordination has never been my strong suit.

So as I walked that final hill, it hit me that really what am I good at is finishing. It won’t be pretty. It definitely won’t be fast, but I will finish. I am going to lumber up and down the 10 miles that the Tough Mudder has laid out for me, but one thing is for sure. I don’t know the word give up very well.  I do wish that I am not last. As I told my best friend Jemal, it’s not that I want to be first, I just am a bit tired of being last. Yet he reminded me that a year ago around this time approximately, I had undergone surgery.  I concede that point, but part of me doesn’t want that crutch when I know my lack of athleticism well.

I also know I am my own biggest critic. That negative self talk of mine has been back full force. I constantly forget that I began doing this because  I didn’t want to be 230 pounds anymore. And really the races are a way to switch things up so I don’t use the excuse of being bored. So as Franklin Covey says, “Keep the End in Mind.” I need to look for the finish line, and not for whose behind me.

Journal, Myself, Preeti

The Stench of Self-Pity Part 2

Sanjay Sabarwal

BK Shivani said that just like you don’t yell at others constantly, we also need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a moment, think of all the negative sub talk that is going on in your mind. I know I am guilty of it. There was a constant river of berating myself for not being focused, not working out, not writing, not working, not being good enough, not eating well, not keeping up with friends, not being better and on and one.  This was the soundtrack of my daily life.  And I am pretty sure it’s yours.  We are constantly beating ourselves for what we are failing to do.  Yet we don’t take the time to be grateful for what we do have and what we are doing. I know I was guilty of that. I also know how silly one can feel being grateful for what we have. It just seems natural. It’s there. I want what I don’t have. We have this need for what we cannot ever grasp in our hands, yet each moment that we pass without thinking of what we have, we move further away.

Two years ago, I was perhaps the furthest I have ever been from writing and reading. Two very simple things that I have done most of my life, and at first I dismissed them as simple things that I would get to. Then I became addicted to social media, constantly checking and rechecking other’s updates about images, stories and things that in the long run did not add much value in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing social media, but for me what I thought were simple things to ignore allowed me to use shallow posts to become my crutches.

So I began reading, then writing every day. Now I struggle with how much I can do each day with me adding learning Spanish, Meditation, and working out. I say all this not to brag, but that instead of the negative self-talk, I accept who and what I am.  Yes. there are days, many of them  infact, that I don’t get to all that I want to get done, but you know what? Its OK. I give myself a break. I now see that even when I dont get to do all that I want, I still get something wonderful, like an hour long phone conversation with a great friend, or getting to know something about Preeti that I didn’t know, or doing something completely new.

In a nutshell, be gentle with yourself. Stop the negative talk. Enjoy the moment. Take a breath. And then keep moving.

Cancer, My Past, Myself

The Stench of Self-Pity Part 1

Sanjay Sabarwal

Is there a better feeling than waking up to the quietness of a beautiful morning?  When the eyes are still closed, but inside you feel full of gratitude and love for all that is in your life?  Think I am full of shit? Few years ago, I would have agreed and perhaps even said that I was just trying to be a creative writer.  Yet, last year around this time is when I was still recovering from my brain surgery and prior to that, my wife’s illness and then before that a stroke  around the time a loss of a dear dear friend reverberated through  my soul. So I could say life was not fair. I could have whined, and been angry.  And honestly, I did. I cannot even read some of the stuff I wrote around that time because the stench of self-pity suffocates me.  I felt so sorry for myself that I engaged in soul deadening behaviors like avoidance, and pretending all was well. I stopped reading, writing or really doing anything that gave me true joy. I fought with people in my life with such a vengeance as if it was their fault my life was where it was.

I probably would have continued if some of the strangest things came together to salvage who I used to be. It began with a subscription to The New Yorker. I have been buying books all my life, and there are always piles of unread books surrounding my homes, but subscribing to the New Yorker was a new commitment for me. I had no idea that each week, a magazine that was extremely well written with VERY long articles would come to my doorstep.  Each and every single fucking week. So I began reading. Around the same time, a forwarded You Tube link of BK Shivani’s “Healer Within” caught my eye.  At first, I was uncomfortable with the Indian accents, but her words struck me into submission with their clarity and accuracy.  I also began doing Morning Pages from The Artist’s Way as well as doing Lumosity brain games while trying to learn Spanish (still struggling).

I didn’t realize at the time, but I had begun constructing a new me….

To Be Continued….