Brownness

Friendship Island

Sanjay Sabarwal

friendship-quotes-16This weekend, I got to spend time with some great friends. The best part? They were unexpected events which made them even better. It cannot be a coincidence as I made a commitment to my accountability buddy that I would make connections with others and not be a social island where only I know what’s going on in my head and heart. It takes intention and goal setting to get to be the person that you wish to be. I also learned that intentions can also be affirmations that once put out there make things happen.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting magic or some Universe kind of stuff. Just that when we put out concrete intentions, stuff starts to happen. And I learn and relearn this lesson because I don’t remember that it’s so much easier to complain and not do anything about it. It’s nicer to just feel helpless rather than take responsibility.  It sucks to be an adult sometimes because no more can I feel sorry for myself. No longer can I say life is unfair. No more can I be an island because guess what? Only I can choose to be an island. The excuses get to stop. I get to connect. I get to seek support. I get to love and be there for others.

So I continue with intentions to connect, to love, to be there for others, and best of all, let my loved ones know how I feel about them.

Brownness

Automatic Words

Sanjay Sabarwal

download (1)The words come slowly, but they are there. Each morning for the past two weeks, I sit and struggle over my latest story. It’s a bit unnerving as I don’t know what is going to come next. I literally have no idea until I sit down and type. It’s hard not to keep saying “it sucks” or “this doesn’t make sense” or worse “you don’t know what they you are doing.” But I keep going. At first, the words came slowly, each time I sat there my hands paused over the keyboard with nothing to say except think that I am not a writer, but then slowly the words came out. They weren’t perfect, and I hated most of them, but I kept going. That’s the thing about writing, there is a lot of crap that has come out. Think of it as a mental flushing that has to occur so the shit go can go away and the real gems can come out (pun intended).

More important is just making the words automatic, the habit part of who I am. It is the one thing that I regret. I don’t write enough. I make so many excuses but ultimately it comes down to fear. I get to be automatic so the words can too.

Myself

Roadtrip

Sanjay Sabarwal

downloadA last-minute road trip to visit our location in Daly City. At first, annoyance. Why me?  But then it hit me, and my excitement grew. I love long drives. That feeling of floating by places and buildings as you get to a new destination. Ok new is an exaggeration, but it has been several years since I have gone up north. Which is sad really since its only 400 miles away, and it hits me that I love travel. Love the excitement of meeting old friends and gaining new experiences.  Yet it has not happened in a while.

The other strange thing is the excitement I feel to be away from all the daily distractions, just listening to music or Ted talks and just cruising. Just thinking, feeling, breaking down what’s been going on. That floating feeling, knowing I know my destination. In the last few years, I have felt lost and wondered where the hell I was headed to. But a road trips allows me that space to know in comfort that there is an end point. Just like life. There is a point to it all. All this from a the simple idea of road trip. Who knew?

Food For Thought, Myself

Gratitude

Sanjay Sabarwal

images (1)I admit that for a few moments last week (ok more than few), I had a difficult time finding reasons to be grateful. Attending a funeral for a friend’s father and watching helplessly as they broke down took an emotional toll. It made me wonder how quickly things can shift. In those moments, nothing else mattered. All the problems I thought I had, faded into noise . They meant nothing. So much of my time wasted on things that really didn’t matter in the long run.

Death is a reminder that we are not here to stay. I believe most of us will never know when we will go. All we have is the present moment. It’s not easy. Too often, I let the negative thoughts in my head take over, and then all I do is worry about the past and future. It’s a tough cycle to break. What good is it to waste so much time on things you cannot control? Yet, I seem hardwired to do it.

It is not a coincidence that a family friend and others started a gratitude chain few weeks ago. It is as if the universe conspired to forcefully remind me to count my blessings, love the ones that are in my life, and connect with all the ones and things that truly matter. It is not easy, but it is also yet another reason to not take myself and my life so seriously. There are more important things to do like take a moment, breath in, and be grateful for what I have.

Brownness

Drowning

Sanjay Sabarwal

imagesIt has been a surreal week as I visit my studios, miss the wife, accept the Spartan race is this coming Saturday and get my butt kicked at crossfit. Why surreal? Because I still feel I am not doing enough. I am not present. I am all over the place. I am not writing. I am not being a good husband, friend, brother, son. The list goes on and on. And for a moment, I felt as if I am drowning, and then I take a breath. I start my days with meditation and ground myself.

I am enough. I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. I cannot control life. I will let people down. I am not defined by my past. Only the present matters.

Each step I take is one towards betterment. Each moment an opportunity to learn. Mistakes are lessons. It is easier to beat myself up then take credit for things. This week, I also decided to not take up a volunteer opportunity because I keep distracting myself. What I get to do is simplify. I get to be there for the ones that matter especially my partner. I get to be present. I get to stop avoiding. I see now that too often I am quick to jump on things and even though noble, they allow me distractions rather than me facing the difficult things in life. I also need to stop enabling, stop the toxicity. I get to take responsibility.  I get to not drown.

Myself

Shifting

Sanjay Sabarwal

I strugglechurchill2 daily dealing with the feeling of failure. Most times, I see it too late what I could have done differently.  I admit, more times than not I go into victim mode, feeling sorry for myself or helpless. I believe what I think others make me out to be. I become the Sanjay who disappoints, who fails, who is selfish, uncaring, who only sees his own pain. Yet all that is my interpretation. It is also easy to do. It is easy to just feel sorry for myself, to blame myself, to say so many negative things to myself. The truth is that no one can say anything worse that I don’t say to myself. I am my own worse critic. Sometimes, it is ok, but more often than not, it can choke me into inaction and uncertainty.

The thing about leaping into many things is the constant self-doubt. I also tend to cocoon myself and not talk to my loved ones. I don’t tell my wife why something is important or what I am thinking. I take it all in, and just act as if nothing bothers me while inside I am suffocating.  Yet I fail to do the simplest thing which is get grounded, remember that I am fallible, that I am loveable, that I am full of promises and capable of good and bad. It’s all a package. I could wallow, and while it can feel good in a sick way, it does nothing to solve what needs to change.

So I get to shift, leave those thoughts behind. Know I have this moment, and only this moment and what I choose to do in it is up to me. I could wallow or I could shift. So I shift. And shift, and shift until the Sanjay I beat up on is left behind, and the one standing in front is the courageous one, the one who finishes. The one who shifts into possibility and responsibility.