Food For Thought, Inpsiration, My Past, Myself

30 Years

Sanjay Sabarwal

Last week, I got an invite to join a private Facebook Group that included the Class of 1990 from David Starr Jordan High. I couldn’t believe that my 30 year high school reunion was coming around. And then as I saw the cascade of pictures and reconnected with some of the Panther alumni, I realized how different I am from the Sanjay that went to that school. I have so much to be grateful for from there, but it took decades for me to grow up and own my voice and image. Yet, it was there that I learned about my passion about writing, and I truly believe it was my teachers and students in my writing class that put me on the path towards UCLA and then law school after that.

I got to talking to an old friend from there, and I realize that out of my core group in high school, I am still in touch with one one of them. I wondered what happened to the others, and then I got a chance to reminisce with one of them, and it felt wonderful. So much life has happened, so many things changed, but the warm feelings haven’t. I look forward to reconnecting with those who I have not spoken to in Decades, and also wonder about the ones who I have no heard or seen from since graduation. So much life, so many years, yet without the foundation of my experience, I would not be where I am.

And for that, I am truly grateful. Happy Monday!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal, My Past

Different Eras

Sanjay Sabarwal

Yesterday, I was blessed to be a baby shower of an old friends. I saw so many I had not seen in years, and we got to reminiscence about the bygone era of Ziba Music, promoting parties, out of state travels, being over each other houses all the time, I could not help feeling gratitude. Gratitude for still maintaining contact, for still having fond memories about the past, but most importantly, that we were still in each others lives. Sure, it’s not as frequent as it used to be, but it exists, and in the end, that’s all that matters.

This weekend turned out to be varying versions of remembrances as I heard my mom speak fondly of her dog who passed as well as the one who adopted her (our dog), and I was reminded yet once again, that sitting at lunch, around the kitchen counter, is this time that I will remember. I made note of it because I no longer take for granted that family lunches or dinners will happen endlessly. With old age, deaths now comes the realization that as each Era passes by, it is important to experience it for what it is not what I want it to be.

It’s strange to remember that Ziba music is no longer around, but it’s influence still present when I see my old music friends who bought many first legendary South Asian music from my father’s store. I count that as one of the major privileges of my life to experience so much great music, and to see so much talent blossom into great business for my DJ and artist friends. It took this past weekend for me to see different eras that shaped so much of my life. For that, I am truly grateful.

Happy Monday!  What do you cherish from your past?

Brownness

New Friends

Sanjay Sabarwal

I chuckled  a bit as I read my post about old friends because it seemed to me that I was done making friends. And then new people came into my life who I had known for a few hours, but only after a great trip together with them and my wife created a spark, a connection with a whole new group. Right away, it felt right, and as much as I’d loved working out alongside these people, the real joy came from how warm and welcoming they were to my wife.

But it was more than that, the fact we were invited itself made sense once we hung out because of how we all seemed to enjoy each others company. At once, no baggage, no awkwardness, just a willingness to enjoy a place together and share some meals.

Already, we are speaking about making it a annual trip, and I just regret that it took over three years for this trip to occur. I now look forward to many years of this new friendship. I am truly grateful and blessed for the company we get to keep!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Old Friends

Sanjay Sabarwal

It amazes me how many of my friends are still in my life. Beyond gratitude, I often wonder how I got so lucky.  So many who are not just colleagues or acquaintances, but real friends interested in my history, and my future.  So many who i think of fondly and hardly ever a breakdown between us. Just sometimes, a long length of time of not communicating, but as we connect, it’s as if nothing has changed.

I used to believe that was only a few people from high school and UCLA, yet more and more, I meet others who I met at different times in my life, and the warm feelings for them come bubbling up. This past weekend made me realize how truly lucky I am for the people in my life, and how many I can reach out for support. I promised myself to remember that feeling the next time I feel alone or like a burden to my best friends. Or when perhaps I just want to catch up and reminisce about that one time when I lived a different life, and thought differently. A time when I was more ideals than practice, yet my life is not full of regret, just appreciation for the opportunities. So many roads not taken, but still on track on my journey in life.

So I take a moment to thank those who taught me so much, spent their time and energy with me, and continue to inspire warm feelings about them and my past. I look forward to the next get together, and chance to reconnect.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

8 Years

Sanjay Sabarwal

Between the illnesses, the deaths, the treatments, the grief, the one thing I counted on was you. You were there no matter what, even we were not in alignment. You supported all my ventures, and always encouraged me even when I doubted myself. Sure, I didn’t make it easy with my stubbornness and insistence on being right. There were days it hasn’t been easy, but so many more where it felt the day slipped away in seconds. So much laughter, joy, along with a sprinkle of anger, frustration, yet we kept plugging along.

You have been in my life a lot longer than being my wife, and I count that to be a blessing. Marriage anniversaries are a great way to reflect and remember you, my partner, the one who still takes my breath away. I wish I took more opportunities to show you my love, and I will working on that, but on this day, I can at least take joy in being able to hold you, and have you know that you are loved deeply. I know the sap is getting thick in here, and this message perhaps too personal for some to be put on a blog.

Yet as a writer, I am moved to express what’s coming up for me, so I want to tell you again. I love you, Preeti. And Happy Anniversary!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration

Struggle

Sanjay Sabarwal

My eyes opened, my heart still hurt. Not the physical kind. The kind where facing the day sounds overwhelming, and each movement feels like a struggle. My latest victim: running plan. I am being coached by an amazing person who has been nothing but kind with encouragement and daily coaching. But this past weekend, I couldn’t get myself to do the long run of 90 minutes. The idea just felt overwhelming, but more than anything else, i was bone tired. The kind of tired where each step feet like I had lead feet.

I struggled to move, and as I put on my running shoes, I knew my determination would take me out of the door, but at what cost?  I sat down on the couch and checked in with myself. My ego was at play I realized. I had worked out 5 days in a row, and the long run would make it 6, but for what?

It’s hard to distinguish between anxiety, laziness and tiredness. Yet I knew I’d pushed myself hard this week. I didn’t allow myself to feel what was going inside. I’d busied myself with tasks and to do list, and not listened to what was going on inside. I was tired. Physically but also emotionally. The pain in my heart. I had to feel to heal it. And it hurt. So much of my life spent on doing rather than feeling the struggle, acknowledging that life hurts, that shit happens and you have to see it for what it is. So I can grow, get better, but most of all, heal. Because if I just put on another layer of distraction and work, I lose change to be a better me. To help others grow through their pain. But again, I had to  put on the oxygen mask on first before helping others. I had to hurt so I could heal. The struggle real, but important. So I sat back down, allowed my body rest while my mind felt it all.

And then, a little lighter, feeling rested, I get back up this week. Happy Monday!