Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Often we allow for flashes of our life to fill the day only to realize that instead of reality we passed a day in dreams.  Think about that for a second.  What could have been a layer to add to who we are was instead wasted on what was in the past or what we thought it to be.  More and more of my days are piling up to be aching for a quick moment taking me further and further away from creating new memories.  Or maybe its the other way, only when do I think what was good and light can I take the heaviness of time away.  Its a question that harps on me endlessly.  Was the past reality or what I am doing now my life?  2 different questions perhaps but they seem to merge into my heart the same. 

 What is my life?  Is it a series of moments or just flashes of intense emotion? Am I a creator of something or a destroyer of other’s something?  Constantly, the randomness surrounds me, and the quietness increases inside me.  And then the moments arrive, and I lose myself again in illusion.  Perhaps that is my life. 

were my friends but now look at me as a defeated stranger.  What was once a river is now a dry stream of pointless self-doubt and whiny pain.  I wonder did I desert them or did they escape my melodramatic life? Answers used to be appear unthinkingly, now I am just left with long questions.  It is not my first post on this subject and wont be my last.  They are my shadow, and until forced down into a physical form, my life is a blur of seconds and hours of pretended thought.  Its like a hole needs to overflow in me before I can spit out a few gobs of high minded but meaningless thoughts.  You know the feeling, it sure looks good but who cares if it works.  A philosophy quite well suited in my world. 

The recent years have multiplied in experiences and interactions, but the need to document decrease perhaps because there isnt anything real to show.  They are like dreams, best remembered upon wakeing and soon forgotten and then reminsced about randomly as something sets off the memory.  But nothing concrete because that would mean its reality. 

What is it about people that spout cliches?  Are they being clever?  Or are they so dumb that the only think of doing is say something that isnt worth the toilet paper that its printed on.  “Patience is a Virtue.” OK.  Thanks for solving my entire life with a statement said a trillion times.  Glad to know that 4 words provide meaning to my existence, and are my salvation.  Is it any wonder more of us dont kill ourselve when some genius advises us with something that they didnt even come up with.  I mean, talk about the height of laziness.  I so dont want to help you that let me just dribble out shit that can flush your problems away.  And no, you dont have to thank me.  I am here to help.

This is not a new path for me.  Each time I think I have met someone intelligent, out pops out the bullshit bible.  What is it about listening that people find painful?  Fine, you dont want to hear my crap, say so, dont cover my shit with a smellier blanket of crap and hope I dont notice.  I can see it!  I am living it, asshole.  Its right there.  I am breathing it infact, and what you just did now just makes me dive headfirst onto an oncoming car. 

OK, maybe the anger is a bit misplaced.  I am overeacting.  I just told you that I am lost and my life no longer has meaning. So its fair that you comfort me with “Patience is a Virtue.”  Thanks, now I dont have to take my Zanax tonight, knowing that I got GOD words that will guide my days to the end of life.  I really cant wait to save your ass next time when you tell me your wife/father/mother/life is dying with the wisdom of many: Patience is a Virtue.

Is there a topic left to cover?  Can anything original ever be said anymore? Even that question appears to be a cliche.  File it under life/pretentious/ignorant/I.  But perhaps the voice isnt for you, its for me.  Maybe if I put my prints here, then I can become real.  Ugh.  File that under self-involved/desperate/pathetic.  Should have stuck to the Hello world Word press offered, it is more entertainment than my whiny words. 

 There were other incarnations of me before, and they are best buried.  Perhaps this is the new me, more likely its just me writing to myself, trying to convince me that I truly do exist.  Oh, the trouble with insecurity, its a whore that is never satisfied.  I am a word slut.  Didnt take much time for sex to peep its big head in, did it? You never know, it might move me 1/8 inch up on Google right past pig shit fucking.  Oh wait, thats probably huge in some county.  I think I have an edge on waoinfoaincionafiffa.com.  Yes! One site at a time, I will get there, you will find me on a 1000th page under the keyword: Dumbshit.

 Ok, self absorption covered: check.  Whining vomitted: check.  Gratuitous cursing: Check.  Unoriginal: double check!