Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

I dont know about you but for me a trip represents a chance to find a new way to make a connection, think of something that was lost or forgotten, but mostly its just a chance to feel that I can step out of my life willingly and relearn what it means to be alive.  Or vice versa.  

You can learn a lot about a person when you travel with them, from how they are in the car for long periods of time to how open they are to trying new things.  When its a new person, all bets are off because we are clothed in our desire to please.  BUt in consequent visits, as we disrobe, we also let go of our politeness and willingness to cooperate.  So any trip can represent a new battle, or a revisit to old problems or the perfect trip where everthing manages to be new, beautiful, and an experience.  I guess stuff that memories are made of. 

Thats the word that fills my brain most of the time Time and again, I miss the cues.  What was a memorable night is now invaded by present thoughs of did I do the right thing? As always I went with my heart but the grumbling inside is disqueting.  I wonder if I am just setting up myself to fail or plain deceive.  That little voice is wrapped around my mind, what did I do?  What can I do?  The hesitation builds up, and the discomfort now a physical apparition.  Or maybe its all in my head.  But the blankness grows in a way I thought I had already conquered.  Am I doomed to repeat my mistakes.  As a closed one reminded me, we swore we would be happy again regardless of the people around us.  And for a while it seemed that I was almost there, but doubt blocks the way to a path that was sparkingly clear in my eyes.

So what to do yaar?  Do I keep stumbling along, and pray that I finally fall upon something soft or do I just stop everything, and fix it one by one.  I cant even keep my thoughts straight, and I am talking about fixing my life.  Maybe thats the joke.  I keep confusing others and myself on here, and my weird life just plods on, oblivious to the reality I want, and uncaring as to my dreams.

All these fancy words just to say HUH?

Most of my fights always center around the act of timing rather than content.  Even though I can be right in how I feel, its usually expressed at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons.  Take today for example, i am already anxious about her being over at her family’s and I get a lecture about how I am not handling the situation over all as well as I could be. And time and again I am reminded throughout the day how I am late on just about every emotion and action. 

And then common sense decides to take a stab, and I surge out of pain’s senselessness, and I see her pain and worry.  Instead of just looking into my eyes, I swim over to her heart, and really try to make her feel less of the loss she has.  Can anyone really ever lose the family? Its a question I sense everytime I look at her pained soul.  And so I need to work on my timing.  Get faster. Word Harder.  Pump myself full of the energy she needs to live off of while she swims through this hole. 

I may not always get it right, but as they say failure is when you stop trying. 

just to sprinkle on some thoughts here that are burbling around in my head.  Second day of the week, and yet I still need to show a beginning for it.  A bit of uneasiness, wondering if all will work out.  A dash of worry about Gurjit, and a whole cup of protection for my babu.  And then I look ahead, and more uncertainty waits, and I wonder am I ready to ride through once again? 

Ofcourse, I am.  Thats what people lke me do.  Full of self-doubt, and yet we forge ahead because ,well to stop would be suicidal.  So I brush away the negative and let it roll inside me, and I just keep going.  Its all I know how to do.  Self-relflection a luxury that I cant buy often, and usually wasted anyway.  And so the day rolls on, and the words choke down. 

Another unfinished draft for my life, and so I keep the status quo.  A lot of questions asked, not thought about, definitely not answered but time is passed.  Have to love rationalization.  Good bye Tuesday, you served a purposed and still did not accomplish anything.

Next!

Monday came again, and left me perplexed in its dust.  What is it about me that just gets to people?  I often wonder what I have done to upset acquaintainces or close friends when my intent is quite the opposite.  I used to repeat incessantly that the path to hell is paved with good intentions, but each contact with certain people makes me realize that I may be better off just pretending they dont exist.  Its as if some just exist to point out every flaw they think I have or perhap give me new ones.  Others are there to always be right no matter what the situation.  And still others love to know about life so they can somehow feel better about themselves. 

Its when this happens again and again that writing about is as inane as farting.  Both may seem like I am doing something but in fact, they just stink.  Or maybe perplexity is my new cloak to hide my arrogance or more likely I am just too dumb to realize that people dont like me. 

Oh well, another week begins, lets hope I dont piss off too many people. 

Beginning the day slowly, cranking out the procastination for a bit then hope to head to some sort of work mode soon.  Pretend smile on, check. Pretend email, check. Pretend, know what I am doing, double check.  And so the cobwebs creak around in my head. And maybe a little clarity might come through soon.  But so far, the dream is still alive.  8 hours ago, I opened up this page, and I realize that I am being a miser with words perhaps because I am such a slut with my feelings. 

Then the window opens up,and all that I was holding in, breathes out, and a new day suddenly seems to be a strong probability rather than a possibility.  Today, was a mixed day, but one thing was memorable, its been 16 months since I found a part of my heart, and I hope to hold on to that as long as I can.

The little smiles we shared today, stayed in the digital camera of my brain because we have atleast these times to realize that what we are doing isnt wrong in any way.  Everything with her felt absolutely perfect or maybe just always have been and I have been in selfishness’s cloud too long.  Or vice versa… But the day began with a smile, and is ending with laugher.  Not much more I can ask for.

Well, a small prayer for my little brother always 🙂 I love you, Gurjit