Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Thoughts Swirling, but the heart still.  I play act at being unconcerned, yet filled with a cauldron of hurt.  Cant overturn it, just watch it helplessly bubble over onto life’s floor.  I look down at it, and wonder am I the only one that can see it?  From a distance, I seem to dilligently work away at the laptop, and a closer look finds the true traitor.  Words spit out, but with no substance.  Thoughts swirl around and flush away in the toilet of my soul.  But still I sputter on.  Maybe action will keep me being mindlessly still.  After all, work can be a reward, right? Right???

And yet I plod on, and glimpses of a useless future dance in front of me.  And I pause, take a deep breath, and begin the cycle all over again.  It’s what I do best.  Get kicked, go down, and get back up again.  Maybe it takes time but I do get up.  How do you think I can sit on this chair and type these words, my dumb legs got me here.  Maybe thats it.  Maybe I am must too dumb to get it.  Maybe I should be smart for once, and just lay there in the wasteness of self-pity.  Just let it suffocate me into stillness.  Sounds good but for a small nano second. 

And then reality bitch slaps me.  No can do.  That isnt me, its just my day. 

Not much to say but still feel the need to say something.  I mean, I have a loyal audience of two that needs to be entertained (2 including me).  Um yea, so day 2 of being a lawyer, and so far the enthusiasm has not worn out, and insecurity is wearing out its welcome.  So here’s hoping the Lakers dont suck too much, and for me to actually have a complete day.  So far so good [looks around cautiously]. 

Another day murdered, but for once the perpertrator can be found. 

Just like an earthquate is caused by the smallest of movements by continental plates, a thawing of feelings can feel like that rush of air.  What seems like a trivial motion transforms into a feeling of “Hello World.”  Strangely enough, I have had more than a few of those moments these past few days, and instead of moaning about my precious crappy life, I feel like I am on Mt. Everest.  Tossing aside these awfully familiar cliches, it just feels good to share that goodness feeling with your significant other.  As if we are siamese twins who can kung fu our way out of any trouble. 

So here I breathe, clearly and for once calmly. It’s a great feeling to practice law especially after spending so many years escaping the fear.  And while the fear is still my jacket, its becoming easier to toss it on the handle, and just seep into rushing of life.  Eh, I probably exagerrate, but then again thats what having a great moment does.  Just for that single click of time, there is perfection, and all is well, and you begin to even think of attacking other fears.  And there lies the mistake sometimes.  What was perhaps a placebo is now seen as actual help, and I may end up hurting myself even deeper than before.  But you know what? I dont care.  For once, I am just going to ride it like the bitch I am, and take it all in. 

Yea, you might want to get out of my way.  In my haste to waste my life, I will probably make you taste a childish version of eager paste.  See, already doing it.  Trying to poetic, and instead becoming pathetic. 

Who knew?

Fighthing Deja Vu as I sit here once again, looking at the blankness of my life.  Emotions raging on as usual but little or no action. Each begun action, falls into the blackhole of helplessness.  I know not what I do, except what I want to do.  Little energy spent on actuality, but tons on believablity.  Its like I know how to create the perfect life, but am too lazy to actually make it happen.  Or maybe its the other way around, I have the perfect life, and every little thing turns into an emotional monster.  After all, we need something to fight to make life worth breathing. 

And so the battle rages on like the primary, neither member really contributing to the whole but expending enough energy to make it seem like they do.  Just like my life.  I live it filled with all the emotions but none of the courage.  Maybe the words will change my life, or maybe saying that they will makes it easier for me to swallow my day.  Either way, the only thing that I manage is filling in this page, while forgetting to actually learn the law. 

And so nothing learned today, nothing done, but atleats I have the satisfaction of knowing I thought about it.  Wait, isnt thinking actually acting?

Each day begins with the identical thought: organize, figure out the day, the to do list and somehow contribute value to the business.  The motivation is there, and the so is the passion, and then I open the email box, and time becomes a garbage disposal instead of a creator.  I spent more time chucking away stuff then actually adding a new block to the business.  Atleast thats how it feels most days.  And then instead of hours of wanting to do work, I instead begin to count the time I am here. 

Today is no real exception.  I sat down in the chair at 9:17 and in the last 80 minutes, the only thing of value has been reviewing a response from an attorney which led to a bout of anxiety, can I really be an attorney?  And then some time was blasted away as I whined about my relationship, and then it hit me.  I  had no foundation I could rely on.  What I took for granted was in fact in need for repair, and until I got rid “of the stuff in the basement” (per Rocky Balboa), I would forever begin wasted days, and worst of all dry my soul a bit more. (damn my typos are getting worse)

So where does one begin when you think your entire life is in for an overhaul?  I mean seriously, is there a place that can teach you how to live again?  I mean its great to question shit all day long and even thing about them but damn it, it would be amazing to get answers once in a while.  I mean instead of shitting all over the place, I for once would like to be outside all clean.  Is that too much to ask?

And no I dont want Depends!

I heard that word a few times this week, and for some moments it stuck to me, and in others it helped me let go of some rituals.  I go to my parents every morning to do a small prayer and recent events in my life have told me that instead of having faith in the ritual, I need to perhaps reach and grab for what rightfully belongs to me.  But then again, doesnt that still allow faith in?  I have been struggling for a bit now, and while sometimes faith builds my backbone, my heart crushes it.  I almost believe in letting go, but hurt makes me grasp my heart even more tightly. 

Each day I begin with the thought that perhaps today is the day where pain wont be my friend but faith, but they both seem dishonest: promising so much but delivering nothing.  I approach jumbles, work with a fogginess brought on my faith, and only anger seems to be able to punch back.

Enough with the word jumbles, I need to lose faith so I can begin living again.  Or maybe I need to have faith in faith or pretend that I understand my own actions.  Either way, I pound on these words with nothing but thoughts that seem so clear yet come out as confused as this blog. 

Let me let you go, I have wasted enough of your time, and definitely a lot of my brain.  Let me try again tomorrow, perhaps a new day may bring a new faith.  Or not.