Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

The look was there, the attention was on me, and yet nothing was heard.  I screamed in silence.  Silence screamed back at me.  Some times words just are not enough to say what you need to, or maybe its how I say it.  To me, everything gushing out is crystal clear, but it might as well be that I am splattering mud on your face.  Pain, Anger, Sadness surround me, and in the middle of that bandwagon, I realize that Silence is my only friend.  And that quietens me.  And deadens me at the same time.  I wonder how long before I reach a point where I backstab silence and get on the horse of selfishness.  After all, that is all what my pain is, isnt it.  My worries, my fears, my hurt, my wanting and needing, me, me me, the whole thing revolves around me.  And it is why silence is such a great cloak so it wrap away this egotistical present of mine. 

I look forward to the day I bury silence along with insecurity, worry and my past.  After all, we have all dreams and desires, why cant mine be the impossible? Why not, huh? I deserve more, dont I? I can do better, cant I?  I can be loved the way I want to be loved, right? Right?!!!

Silence. 

It doesnt take much for the past to yank me back.  A whiff..an unhurried backward glance..or just the nostalgia of music can make me feel as if nothing has changed.  In that frozen moment, it’s hard not to believe that life was best back then.  And then another memory snaps you back to reality that all was wishful thinking of how we wished our past to be.  Dont get me wrong, I have lived a life that many have envious of, and also created a life that many wouldnt wish upon their worst enemies.

Lately, I seem to be living in the past with some of the recent events in my life, and its so hard to be truthful about it.  In fact, I seem to have frozen my reactions to a certain degree so I can see her smile.  Her happiness means the world to me while I feel like I am riding a ragged wind of pain.  It must be love when pain is your new significant other but your cheating on it by smiling for another’s happiness.  Her smile is all that matters for that moment, and yet I choke down sadness into my pillow.  I breathe for her so she can have a life, and I pretend to sleep so she can rest easy. 

We are all judged for our actions, and I am paying for the ones I hurt.  There are many, but I have also been hurt, and I now have only truth now to save me from lying to myself and to her.  And yet I press on, because thats we all do best which is live.  And I have to believe that one day this too will become just a small whiff, and I will make believe that even this time was not so bad. 

Lies, what would we do without them?

I dont know about you, but to me coping lately means just waiting, and hoping and praying and eh you get the idea.  But I do wonder, am I the only that does this or are there are others like me too smart to expose themselves yet quietly sniggering or agreeing as they read my consistently whiny tone?  Its been a day of discomfort of the knowledge that the chair I sit on is in fact a back of a turtle moving me oh so slowly from reality, and what seemed to be looking at a monitor was in fact a hazy illusory dream.  Huh?  Make sense?  Thats the question, I asked at the end of each day, and each moment, and each part of my life.

What can I count on?  Disillusion or the illusion that I am making progress?  Either way, I stand still, and just cope. 

Dont know where the day went.  Heart pumping, head burning, and repetitive pain just running through my soul.  What did I do to deserve such a long life trial?  Do I not bleed if knifed? I thought I had climbed to the top only to discover that I had just reached the base.  How much longer can I keep this up?  How long is patience? How long tribulation? How long this uncertainty?  I feel like I have lbeen eft at the cross roads of life, never to get on the proper road, always trying to just figure out the directions. 

Lost faith back a few signs back, and now losing hope fast. 

Why do feelings and events conspire together to make what seems to be a great day on paper, is in actually a fiction of my imagination?  Food I normally inhale turns into stale mud in my mouth, and each breath belabors the patheticness of my life.  And then anger crashes the party, and all bets are off.  For that brief moment, I attempt to conquer my life, not realizing that I am just rushing through empty wind.  I will end up where i started: alone.  And thats the real fear.  Alone.  One simple word, all lonesome.  And it describes me perfectly. 

Who Knew?

So despair, you win today’s battle, but your little conspiracy isnt going to last long.  I wont let it.  I will vanquish you one day, my little friend.  We may have become close, but you werent meant to last forever.  Another day, my friend, another day. 

And alone, I havent forgotten you, your day is coming too..

It almost feels like I am getting the fuzzy picture, and instead of just random guessing, I can almost use the pieces to make a coherent statement.  It’s just one of those days, where each thing falls into your life, and your time almost makes sense.  Instead of puzzlement, clarity nags around the corner.  Atleast, thats how I feel today.  I received little bits of contentment in all aspects of my life, from decorating my house, to my beautiful girlfriend, to accomplishing in my new legal career.  Wow, instead of actually dressing up those words, it was just enough to expose them here. 

And then there was silence…