Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Funny how some words can touch you while others just float right by you.  Recently, I have been lucky to have been touched.  From the comic book Y to 30 Things You Need to Know, I derived a sense of myself that just wasnt visible for a while.  And then ofcourse there has been writing.  As I bled onto this page, its not a sense of loss anymore that accompanies but a determination to make things right once more.  I am a mistake waiting to happen, and they are my best friends.  But the first step in anything is recognizing it then naming it, and then allowing it to shape you.  So perhaps I have a chance instead to be something more meaningful than a stupid mistake. 

There isnt a new me anymore, but there is a new hope for dealing with things in life better.  I am responsible for my actions, and also my feelings.  And I will continue to whine about them.  But I also hope to accompany them with more action, more attempts at cutting off the source of my torments.  ANd just being more me, than being hopeful.  This post may sound cyclical maybe even contradictory, but its really about accepting my actions, or non actions, and trying to change them so I can find the real me.

I just hope its not a very long wait.

For once the day begins as determined, and it actually feels like I can control my destiny.  The ebb and flow of insecurity is still there, but now its battering against a will to do and feel better.  I am sure there will be breaches, but for once I am enjoying handling things as they should be.  It just feels right, and it just makes sense.  Reading law has now become a recognized and essential activity rather than something to be dreaded.  With these simples words, I now construct a better day.  And perhaps just perhaps a better me.

For once, the less said the better 🙂

A day passes, and a mere 10 hours seems to fall behind me as time marked but also well spent.  In some ways, the same things were repeated or learned in a different way, but for once it seems like progress rather than a rehash of a past mistake.  The flicker of the light is there, but I just hope its not a last breath that I am confusing myself with.  All riddles aside, today was officially “I got work done” day, and also a day where we talked normally as if all was right in our lives.  So I am smiling wider than normal today, but the dull ache is there.  Perhaps there so I dont forget the new phase in our lives. 

Feels strange somewhat to not have a person around all the time when they are almost joined with you at the heart.  Probably exaggerated, but the jab in my heart when I think about her feels quite real.  But I remain strong, if not for anything else, just so she is reassured that we are doing well.  A casual day spent in light conversation and serious work, and for once I have the energy to face the night alone and know that dawn of progress slowly alights my life.

Or maybe I just dont have my contacts in, and my glasses are deceiving me.  Whatever it is, illusion, optimism, an out and out lie, this Tuesday was spent a lot more comfortably than in the past.  And for now, that is more than enough.

First time in a while I let go of someone willingly and not regret it with either pain or sadness.  It was an acceptance of the new reality I am feeling today in my life.  First time, I did not try to make the other person feel my emptiness at their being gone because for once it is not there.  It is acceptance really of knowing that person really just fulfils you, that a few hours, a day, maybe a week without them wont weaken me may perhaps even make me stronger. 

Sure, I miss those moments still, but for once its without the ache of bitterness or insecurity.  Its just a wistful image of the great times you have with that person, and for now all seems ok in life. Of course, I cant pretend that it will last forever, but I hope to learn so I can keep having more moments like this.  Sharing a great night friends and family does that to you now I realize.  I made only 1 person the judge of my emptiness, but surrounded by others made me realize there are other ways to handle loss. 

Sure the day was incomplete without her, I cant lie about that but today it didnt feel like the end of my life or my personality.  Infact, it seemed like yucky medicine that makes you better anyway.  So yes I feel ill without her, but now time apart seems to be a healer of sorts.  Now I just look forward to holding her in my arms, cherishing her laugh, but most of all just touching the love I have finally gotten from a soulmate.

Who would have thunk it, an actual happy monday.  Tiring but refreshing all the same.

Its been a while since I posted, and I wish that I had something new to say.  Not a new way to say it but just something new and unannounced.  Instead, its just a different variation of how crappy my life is, and how I bad I feel, and I actually am sick of myself.  Quit the whining already, man! Suck it up!  And the list goes on but the feelings stay the same. 

But I will soldier on. Better save my energy for the battles to come, rather that throwing up on here.  Have a good weekend

how what was so easy now becomes an obligation.  What was just air to breath now feels like poison.  What were unhurried gaps in time now just feel like something to be measured, and prove that it can be done.  When did it get so hard?  As a friend put it, life happens, but what was it before, a fantasy?  How can 2 people who could read each other so well now cant see each others emotions or feelings?  Is that life? Progress? Or mere egotism at its best? 

God, stop with the questions already I say.  Look for the answers, but then am I asking the right questions or am I just skewing just so I can get to hear what I want to hear? Again, I end with that,  Time and time again I crash against the rocks of questions, and the waves of questions keep coming.  My quest for answer has become a meaningly natural phenomena.  Its pretty to look at, but thats about it. 

I look at these words, and what seemed to make sense now just seems a jumble just like my emotions.  What was so clear between us is now muddled with family, pain, expectations and worst of all lack of understanding. 

A strange day today.  For the first time in a while, I worked and got the things I needed to do done, but going home now feels to be a chore because I dont think I can fix what is wrong there.  And so I go back to hope, faith, and prayer, my 3 old friends. 

I have nothing else left.