Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Some things are better left unsaid.  Atleast that is what I tell myself each and every day, yet somehow, it slips through my soul.  I may appear quiet but thoughts and emotions abound around the main question why?  How did we end up here?  Why is it so difficult?  Those that know me have experienced my constant questioning, but when I step back and look at this page, I am filled with a quiet sadness.  A feeling of helplessness, and of my own shallow pride.  Someone who can I reach by touching a few numbers feels as far away as my past life.  Someone who is the second beat in my heart, is muffled by the hurt in my soul. 

Perhaps the quiet between us can be the salvation of our relationship.  Has silence ever solved a communication problem?  I sure hope so.  Day 1 passed without talking but not without words and definetly in quiet.  However, the heart still pounded and my soul still belongs to her.  Here’s hoping she had a decent day.

Whenever a week ends, a new desire to do it better arises.  But this week is a bit different.  I kept promises, consoled a friend, was a friend to my girlfriend, and actually managed to keep quiet a lot and still be heard.  Sure, the usual missteps and grimaces were there, but for once they were accompanied with a sense of satisfaction, desire, and a willingness to get things done.  I may not have gotten to the Everest of pain, but I am at base camp.  For once, things dont look as undoable or as unchanging as before.  Perhaps the parachutes of friends helped, or perhaps I didnt take as many leaps, but the feeling of calm is defintely addictive.

So I end the week and look forward to growing a tiny bit more in the next, and for those in my life this week, I thank you because its great to be surrounded by others who actually care for me as much as I do for them.  I cant wait to see you all again.  May the positive glows grow, and maybe this miserable blog actually a beacon of joy instead of constant pathetic pain.  🙂

Happy Weekend to all!

It always manages to surprise me that a weekend can still somehow summarize my life at its roller coaster best, and the cliff wide silences the epitome of a quiet future.  Yet, the week for once isnt full of questions or berating oneself but of how can I do better?  What am I doing wrong, and most of all, how can I be the person I see in my words.  Sounds heavy, but in fact its easy when you begin to live your day the way you want, and somehow things that were shackles now seem like guiding lines to a lighter day.  Sure, the pain still groans underneath the activity, but I dance away from it, and look towards the Sanjay I wish to be, that I need to be actually.  Because if not then, what makes me different from these empty words.  Read once and then forgotten.  So will I, if I do not become the change I see in myself.

Enough bogus philosophy.  The days are getting a bit faster, things seem to be getting done, and as long as I dont get on a groan and moan train, I may actually have beaten the sad ghouls in my soul.  Or maybe I am fooling myself, or worse lying to the reader, but for once it feels real, and it real does feel damn good.  To know that I can be better, that I can be the listener I envision myself to be, be the friend I hoped to be and most of all be the important part of the people close to me.  It isnt easy not should it be, but God it is satisfying when you feel like you got it right!

For once, the day is welcomed and the challenges strapped on instead of being thrown upon.  For once, resolution is the key to my sucess rather than delusions.  We all have chances to start over anytime we feel.  Its the motivation to do it that is hard to find.  What makes a want an actual event is the creation of a habit.  I have a lot to learn, that much I know.  I have even more to change about myself, and I am slowly beginning to just accept that realization.  THe changes themselves are far ahead, but I have a goal to achieve to.  All my life, its what has motivated me, but the last few years have been a blur of not knowing what my own life goals were.  It was easy to bemoan the state of affairs in my life, or better yet my past and worse others.  So today I pledge to myself to be the person I desire to be. 

So here it goes, Monday is truly the first day in the week of the rest of my life.   I am sure there will plenty of other first days, but that doesnt give me the excuse to give up on today.  So Happy Monday to me, and to you as well.  May each day be a chance to be the person we wish to be.  I know I am going to try. 🙂

This cold I will conquer, and today will be a good day.  My mantras for the day.  Ever so slightly, I change hopefully for the better but for sure I age 🙂  Cant stop life, but sometimes dont feel like living, but then sunlight hits me, a smile sneaks out of me, and all is well.  The past few days are a creation of the past so I breathe a bit easier.  Work definitely a pleasure, and family a blessed mixture.  So I go onto the day for once with a smile and a light heart, and savoring great friends, intriguing co-workers, a loving family and now a smiling soul mate.  What more can I ask from a Wednesday? Oh I know, more wednesdays like this. 

They will come, I am sure for it.  When your surrounded by joy and greatness, we cant help but respond to it.  Here’s hoping to lighter posts, not less depth but less pain.  🙂

I approach this Monday differently and so far it has not disappointed.  A little bit of work, a little dash of legelases, a sprinkle of friendship, and a huge dose of longing for the ones you love.  But its there, that little light at the end that tells you that life can be better if you choose for it be.  Pick today to be the day you choose to be in a good mood, and guess what things can be better. 

What I have been reading and hearing lately is that I am the master of evertyhing that I feel and do.  Everything is a choice so just admitting mistakes is not enough, working on them, figuring out why I do them is also a choice that I need to make more often.  And as the day closes today, I still made mistakes but I also learned a lot on what I can do better.  I enjoyed working, learning in life about life and just for once living the day not worrying about what ifs.  Just really going through the day focused on learning, doing, and CHOOSING to be in a good Monday.

Day 1, gone, 1 mistake made.  I have 6 more days and chances to keep her smiling.  I will not give up.  And then ofcourse, there are the other dear ones in my life who dont ask for much and lately I havent given them much either.  I will choose to do right by them as well.  So many choices, and I will keep at it till I get it right.  Failure is not an option.  Thats what I choose to do. 🙂

Happy Monday!