Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Its a great feeling to listen an artist that you are fan of, after a long time, and then the thoughts traverse to the other parts in your life, and there is an ache there.  There was a time, I was firmly convinced of beginning of my record label, and of changing the world with new forms of South Asian media.  I was the messiah, I was the one who could do it.  That type of arrogance is quite embarrassing to face nowadays, as I tackle issues of employment and intellectual property law because there is just so much to still learn.  Yes, I had the passion, but that can only carry you so far, because at the end of the day, you need results, and that can only come from persistent, faith, and knowledge.  The less you know, the more likely you are to make missteps, and I realize that now.  A part of me still firmly believes that if I had the knowledge and the work ethic, I could have been the next media king.  But in a strange way, what is more interesting now is the daily knowledge of learning something, practicing to be myself, and just really knowing.  I still yearn to learn, and for me that is my elixir for life (for now.

I love the law, because in some ways, it’s a path thats quite simple to follow once you know what to look for.  But more because you can use it to better things, or just be better informed.  But most importantly, no one can make you look foolish because atleast you take the liberty to ask and figure some things out.  Sure, I still have the blank look, but when the mouth opens atleast you know I am trying to learn.  

And for now, thats enough

A good weekend passed by with some great friends, plenty of hugs and just warm hearted holding of the significant one in my life.  But I cant resist the nagging thought that while the great moments were there, so much more was lost by not being handling the stuff in the heart’s basement.  The constant fear of ruining a good time wins me over everytime, but I do wonder what if I just took that chance and just let it all hang out, but maybe thats the problem.  Its all or nothing.  And that approach hasnt worked, so something new is needed, and even though I know that I still want to puke everything up, i need to just try and talk it through one by one.  I am the bad partier way past his prime. But I have to be like the fictional Rocky and get up in the ring, instead of just dreaming about a future that may never come around, if I am not brave enough to fight in the ring now.  

But then I dip back in to the wonderful day;s memories, and it just seems to easy to let things be, and that our love will heal all.  The problem is that there is a deep wound that needs more than just a dab of love, it needs wrenching and no holds barred honesty.  And so as usual, I stick on the edge, lookind down into the abyss, just wondering if diving in will either end up with my death or perhaps a new lease on life.  But for now, the wait continues.  I said I needed to be strong, didnt say I was going to be.  Yes, yes I know story of my life.

There are days when all comes right and for once you keep the image the close ones have you intact.  Friday melded to become a day of what is possible, and suddenly it seems so much easier.  One day leads to another and then suddenly your back in the roll again.  And you you want to keep it going, and what seems like excercise now becomes a habit.  And so I hope to stay on this path and give the one in my life plenty to smile about, considering she has had a lot on her plate. 

So today we celebrate her birth, and I want it to be full of the joy she so richly deserves!  Happy Birthday!

It is strange to sometimes to just sit back and take a quick stock of your life, and realize things really are not bad in a long term way.

I began the day with many thoughts, but really can only end it on one: I love you Preeti 🙂

Is a month of anniversaries for myself, work, my parents and of a volatile past year.  Either way, I never imagined sitting calmly in my kitchen and spelled out this month as a title for my post.  I mean I should cringe when I see this month, but instead there is an inner smile, and definetly a brighter hope that things are a bit lighter.  Far from normal but nowhere near the dumpster they were in before.  And in a few hours I am sure I will regret these words but for now, I am swimming in the realm of possibility and fantasy.  Frankly, for me that is enough… for now, atleast.

I am no closer to answers than I was last year, but I know that I am surrounded by great friends, family and most of love from all.  I am privileged, and for once I rather focus on that however briefly than what I dont have.  I am sure tomorrow will fix that in a hurry.  Sorry in this blurry clear glimpse, I sign off hoping for to create smiles for the ones I promised.  I hope not to fail, AGAIN.  Yea, its hard not to be pessimistic…

I sometimes feel like I am acting out a role meant to ease others instead of just being the person I want to be.  It probably doesnt help that I dont know what I want to be except I am pretty sure it’s not what I am going through now.  There was a time when I was full of ideas and images of creating some pretty unique things that would make a mark in life, instead I am reduced some days to swallowing a lot of hurt so others can breath easier.  Instead of a bound book with my name on it, I am have bits and chunks of myself on an electronic page that may not survive the decade.  In a way, I feel like this page, that I am mere hallucination holding up reflections for others so they can pour their insecurities into it, and I am left holding just old dreams. 

Each day still holds new promise, and some days I see it but mostly other days it taunts me at my failure to attain it.  So I end another day feeling the loss of promise but sustained by faith.  I have used quite a bit of it lately, and praying I dont end up on empty.  After all I need it to keep the play again if nothing else.