Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Maybe the title should say what more?  Its what I keep asking myself as the list of things to do pile up, and yet doing the right things still does not seem to alleviate the pressure.  There is hope in me that life is not hard as I have made it to be, but also a growing dismay that perhaps I have spent far too long fighting the tide of inevitability, and need to let destiny wash over me.  Too long ignoring other important factors, and too long giving myself to only 1 goal.  Maybe thats the problem, what I think is an end is perhaps an endless loop, or worse not meant to be.  

Every day, I pray for relief and the right thing to do, and each day feels like something more is lost.  That instead of asking and praying, I need to just do.  Instead, I throw my words on here, hoping against hope that the answer is there.  And it is, and perhaps I am asking the wrong questions.  Or maybe I just dont want to believe that yet again, my old friend failure is back, grinning away, and back slapping me as if he never left.  

Ofcourse, I am writing this, alone. And perhaps thats as it should be in my life…

I often wonder if the words I write have more to do with just getting the junk out of my head or a honest attempt to understand where I am in life? Ok maybe often is pushing it, but when its a good like today, you do look at the perhaps all that was needed was a bit of an attitude tune up or being just around the people you were meant to be around.  Take for example, my cousin Gurjit.  As much pain as I feel for what he is going through, its such a great feeling to have a little brother who is genuinely happy to have the relationships he has.  I admit, I am a bit of a grouch around him, but with him there is also a certain sense of just being accepted no matter what I have done in my life.  And there are others, (too many to name in my family), and ofcourse my girlfriend.  

And for once, I wanted a post to be about thanks and actually reflect a good day, rather than a rehashing of the regret and pain of loss I feel in life.  Today was about refreshing an old relationship, and also just spending time with loved ones.  I havent gotten to them all, but I sure will try.  Maybe its too much coffee or maybe the indian food hit the spot, but I feel content today.  And I cant wait to maintain that feeling every day.  I know i wont suceed, but I have these words to remind me what to do to jump start a day heading towards a cliff.  I may not avoid getting near it, but maybe I can use letters as a brake.  (confusing metaphor I know).

Oh Yea, to the ones that need to give me unsolicited opinions about my social networking status’s, seriously FUCK YOU.

I guess in these hard economic times, it makes sense to talk about money, well more specifically how little of it I have.  Its amazing to me that even at my old age, I am still have a “duh” sign around me when it comes to managing my cash flow and expenses.  I guess none of you will weep for my losses, and thats as it should be.  I was the one who made the bad choices, and frankly I am the one that needs to get myself out of this tightness.  It’s definitely not a good feeling, and it sure makes for clarity in some situations.  Things that I took for granted now I consider axing (cable is overrated, TV is better, MUST… NOT… SHOOT… AT… SCREEN). Do I really need a full loaf of bread, (Sandwiches are overrated, I am sure its why Atkins started his diet) and if I put coloring in club soda, isnt that pretty much like coke (Soft drinks are overrated).?  Ofcourse, some things must stay (soap is NOT overrated) but I am sure I can now use some more of it by adding water into the bottle of it, as long as it foams, its killing germs, right? And ofcouse, just like in india I can use soap shave instead of shaving cream, I mean the point is to have a crooked goatee anyway.  

I hope to have some good news soon.  I plan to be better, and for once its not under the category of wishful thinking.  Already made some changes (I got rid of my subscription to Bling Magazine), and looking forward to some more (Internet you really are overrated now that I have my chumby and iphone).  Here’s hoping that your tuesday ended as depth filled as mine did.  

By the way, what do you do with these shiny round things with numbers on them?

I used to believe the more I read, the more knowledgeable I would become.  Not something hard to believe as I passed through high school, college, and even law school.  I used books to learn about others, and maybe even myself.  But (of course there is a but), I never though to realize that putting down that book after finishing and feeling satisfied was a mistake.  In fact, it was the first step towards learning.  It’s probably why I read several books on the same theme to get that realization that should have come from the first one.  I didnt give myself the time to just absorb the clarity of the writer.  Thats not true exactly, I had the time, I just didnt have the wisdom to realize that its great to read, but its better to understand.  

Thats been my life, speed through the main parts and fail to learn until I fall several times.  And ofcourse say right thing and sound like I know what I am talking about, and do the opposite.  Because ultimately, I fought the insecurity of sounding dumb or uninformed.  What’s great about getting older is you realize you care less about what strangers think, but take to heart what friends and family state.  Which makes sense because at my age, I am not really going to grow my close circle, and whoever is in it now will probably remaint here for decades (i cringed a bit at that).

I still read quite a bit (a book a week), but it has become more varied, and its about truly learning, not just racing so I can say I read a book a week.  Books are part of my world whereas before they were my world.  Those close to me know what I mean when I say that.  Instead of learning about experiences through words, I know create enough unique ones to perhaps one day free myself of ignorance.  I am probably kidding myself, but for once it feels good to have another goal than just reading.