Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

I finally finished reading my first book on Kindle called Rapt, a bit ironic since the subject is about attention and how it affects one’s life.  What stuck with me is its premise that as humans, we tend to gravitate to negative thoughts when left alone to our devices, and in fact spend an awful lot of time feeling sorry for ourselves.  I had to double check the cover to see if it didnt say Sanjay.

A quick review of my blogs and my posts on various social media showed me that I spend entirely too much time whining about things I cant change or not willing to.  A lot of it has to do with  the lack of attention I pay to the situation to actually change it.  It somehow seems easier to complain and then channel surf to another “wrong” in my liife.  So although it seems like I am focusing on my life, I am in fact just an attendee of a very boring life.

So it begins now.  The moment is here.  And thats all that matters.  These words are the present and they are my reality.  Everything else is illusion.   I hope I make it out alive

It’s funny how a moment arrives where you feel like nothing is going right, or the words coming out of your mouth are ,in fact ,mute noise to others, and then in a flash, words stumble out from me that make sense, and others actually seem to nod in comprehension. 

Those moments seem far and between when I am in a fog of despair, and indecisiveness.  It seems a stretch to actually say whats on my mind or even contemplating acting on my needs.   So I pause in that state for a while until I wake up one day, and realize that I am 37 years old, and my desires from 10 years ago still havent been given voice, my goals of 20 years ago lay in the dusty past, and I cant even be bothered to despair.  So the cycle goes.  I think and I worry and I dream, I do everything but short of acting because that would mean leaving these comfortable excuses behind. 

Sometimes, its the simplest things that take the longest for me act on. Usually, because I make them a lot more complicated than they need to be. 

So thats my daily struggle.  Be simple. Then Act. 

A new mantra oerhaps?

I never returned to finish the earlier post, and its quite telling as much of my day is focused on things I keep meaning to get too, but instead get lost in the shuffle of the present, the irrelevant or the quite personal.

And so, I just keep punching through to the next hour, convinced that magic will happen, and I will achieve all that I imagine in that wonderful dream world of mine.

And so, time is passed (yet again), and I am still saddled with the same uncertainty that I began the day with.

And so, things proceed this way, until I realize that spending more time thinking about what to do then actually doing it may not be best approach to getting things done. 

And so, I learned from an unplanned trip that life aint so bad, and sucking it up isnt doing anyone a favor, its just the right thing to do.

And so, I completed some of to do list, and you know what, life is easier when you actually do things than when you wish for them.  Who knew?

You know its been a long time, when you cant remember your own password to login.  And in a way, that makes sense.  If you dont look back, your liable to forget, and as much as I wish my writing to be about my present and future, it simply is not possible. 

But what does help is going back to the places that were such a impactful part of you.  For me, travelling after more than 3 years, was a jarring and much needed experience. In reconnecting with old friends and family, I realized what great moments were shared that still stay with me.  Some new reminders ofcourse, but also some disappointments. Some I thought who were still friends have now turned distant memories, and perhaps I wonder were they ever friends? 

Ok off to grab lunch with the family, so disjointed thoughts will follow later, I promise to myself mostly since I am sure no one is reading anymore 🙂

Just like the timer flashes the dizzying nano seconds, changes in my life are that constant.  The irony is especially delicious in that the only thing I can count on consistently is change.  Its not a bad thing necessarily, but it can get tiresome being bitch slapped consistently.