Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Its best to see yourself as others do, but the danger in that is that you can become less of who you are really are.  Thats been my challenge for a while.  I try so hard to indulge others and be who they think I should be, that I lost sight of who I really am. 

If that first sentence confused you then welcome to my life.  I am not blaming anyone nor am I trying to explain away my flaws.  It’s just that lately, I have given up more than my normal self, and I am beginning to feel a little empty.  Time was, I gave and, in return I received something, but nowadays I just strip my soul a bit at a time in return for a moments peace.  And not even a quiet peace but one fraught with anxiety and sinking feeling that another rough moment is around the corner.

Where did I go wrong? I often wonder, and it comes to me that its the little things I gave up or didnt challenge that now seem like overwhelming barriers to overcome.  So its my fault, really.  But somehow that answer doesnt relieve any pressure or give me any clarity.  Instead, I am looking across a chasm of my former self, and I am filled with regret. 

And I have no one to blame but myself.  Each new day I begin wondering about others is one less day I dont think about myself.  And in many ways, that saddens me tremendously.  Will the real Sanjay please stand up?

I dont know when I turned into someone who thinks more about what he needs to do than actually do.   Time was, I would jump into something and think about the consequences later or be so full of ideas that I would start a new business almost every day. 

But things changed somehow, and I slowed down.  As much as I regret my earlier passion for the new and cutting edge, I am now comfortable snuggling into a regular work and family day.  I enjoy the rush of laughing and teasing with family instead of hanging outside a club arguing with the bouncer on why I should be let in. 

Obviously, some things are easier now if I wanted to do (like go clubbing) but the thrill is only in sharing with good friends and my beautiful girlfriend.  What I mean is that the night out has to have meaning, it cant be a random night which I dont remember.  I guess what I am trying to say is that each moment I seek has to have meaning.  It’s as if the memories are more important than the rush of a random event. 

Maybe this doesnt make sense but I rather stay in the present than constantly wonder how about the future.  After all, its the time I am spending now that matters rather than what could be.  So I take in the days and moments, and I know this is the very best moment I could be in.  No more wishful thinking, no more yearning for a better future.  This moment, right here, right now.

The rest will happen as my present: inevitable and hopefully fruitful.

I am sure we all have days when every moment seems a mistake and nothing you say or do can fix it.  Those are times I remember more and more, and then it hits me, the mistkes arent multiplying, my brooding over them is. 

I definitely dont give myself the chances i used to.  Its as if by some mirable, at a certain age, my errors should disappear, and everything I touch will  be right.  Its that foolish pride of mine that is the mistake.  I still yearn to read and learn.  However, I am much more ashamed of my wrongs, and instead of treating them as being a normal part of life, I incessantly highlight and make it my absolute self. 

No more.

I will make mistakes, but thats all or who I am.  I will misjudge, as I will never have the complete information.  And I will err on the side of the caution because frankly I only gamble in casinos not with the ones I care and love about. 

Gamble in life not with lives, hmm makes a good new motto, whatcha think?

Posted via email from zibasanjay’s posterous

Posted via email from zibasanjay’s posterous