Sitting amongst the scattered poker chips, with the sun drenching the room as well as my soul, there is a sense of fulfillment that I have not felt in ages. Nothing like a birthday to simultaneously make you feel old as well as loved.
Books sit around me. It’s the second time since I built my library that I am actually writing from here. The light is just dark enough so there is no glare , and I feel a sense of peace. As much as I fought the idea of writing in a closed room, I had dismissed my book palace too easily. Sure, I notice dozens (ok maybe closer to 100) of books I meant to read, others that I have merely perused and then others I have repeatedly broken open. If nothing else, it makes me even more determined to write and read more. To love and be loved more. But most of all, it makes me value my friends and family even more. The ones that matter always seem to appear without needing an official invite. The ones you have to send a card to or constantly ask for a response are just temporary guests in my life, and thus not deserving of my time and attention. If I have to explain to you why you should call or visit me, then perhaps you never were a friend, but a temporary placeholder. A time pass. Thanks for the good times, and the commercial break but now the real program’s starting.
Last night was a culmination of sorts as the many friends and family in my life came together to celebrate not just my birth but a new beautiful new relationship. Not just of friendship and family but of new beginnings, and suddenly nothing seems impossible. In just one day, I was surrounded by so many loved ones, I can’t believe I actually believed/felt alone. So I sit here, bathing in the sun as well my good fortune and suddenly, nothing seems impossible.
Nothing like a birthday and an amazing party to know your real friends and family. Thank you.
I am struggling with who I am, who I want to be and I am nearly 40. That’s the latest mantra in my mind. My desire to be a writer, to be a lawyer, to be truly great at something is getting lost somewhere in the shuffle because I refuse to do the day-to-day. I rather indulge in fantasies like winning a Trillion dollars (who does that?) than sitting my butt down and creating something new. It’s easier to dream and imagine but so much more difficult to create (except for tension).
by Jemal Yarbrough
So I approach being 39 with some dread because I have to answer to myself. I happen to find a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 40 and was disappointed to see that I had managed only 5 out of 50, but then it hit me that the others did not matter to me as much. I need new goals, new things to achieve. Actually, that is a lie, I only have one goal now: to be a published writer. Too often, I have made excuses, too often have I blamed others, too often I sit at this desk and write about wanting to write but then write nothing of value. Too often, and so instead of a new years resolution, I made a birthday one: WRITE.
No matter what. Write. Write lists, write journal, write morning pages, write something, anything. Just keep that pen moving (well in my case fingers over the keyboard). I can’t help feeling like Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon during the mirror sequence. I am surrounded by versions of myself but each of me partially hidden by my image while I look for the elusive antagonist (in this case, The Writer). And with a loud Kiyaaahh, I shall break those mirrors, break what’s holding me back, break into a new kind of Bruce Lee, the kind that kicks ass with words rather than kicks.
Yesterday was an amazing day. Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself. It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together. The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here! Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together. The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several. There was my mother in well as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others. Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .
I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others. No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go). I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me. In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry. To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing. It really isn’t about them. It’s about me. I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly. In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it. Ok, I almost said that with a straight face. No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing. So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more. After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up. I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well. As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone. I have others I can trust with my life including my new family. And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.
When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past. I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain. Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are? We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.
Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help. I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no. I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity. I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch. An emotionally unstable whiner. A loner. I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are. So yes I am a bitch. I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character. Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).
I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people. I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well. I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Except for me as well, duh! Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂
Dear Sanjay Sabarwal,Thank you again for your first purchase of The Great Courses!I’d like to remind you to take advantage of the coupon you recently received for $20 off your next order of $100 or more! I’ve enclosed another copy of this exclusive coupon below.To help you choose your next intellectual adventure, you’ll find even more personalized course recommendations available at special prices of up to 70% off! Click on the links below to explore these exciting Great Course offerings selected just for you!Order now—your coupon expires on 1/20/2011!
The Great Courses are designed for intellectually curious adults like you. As a member of our community of lifelong learners, you’ll enjoy
Top-Quality Courses on fascinating ideas taught by award-winning professors;
FREE Gifts, including articles, course excerpts, and course-related information;
Great Service from our knowledgeable Customer Care representatives; and
A Lifetime Satisfaction Guarantee on every Great Course. Once again, thank you for your recent purchase and welcome to The Teaching Company! Sincerely, Brandon Hidalgo President and CEO The Teaching Company
P.S. Remember to use your coupon for $20 off your next order of $100 or more! Simply enter Coupon Code WP51KT into your shopping cart when prompted!
![[Image: Bevvy]](http://bevvy.com/img/blue-theme/logo-email.png){kind=logo}
