Brownness, Myself

Chutzpah

by Jemal Yarbrough

Riffing along in my thoughts as I rushed to get to my counselor last week,  I realized I often played a strange mental game with myself.  Each week, I leave around 8am with the goal of being there at 9am.   Most times I leave it to the whim of the navigation to get me there.  Then it struck me that invariably the machine would tell me take an exit at a street (never the same street twice) and by some miracle get me there at 8:59am. I realized the path with navigation was like my life where I trusted others to guide me and suddenly grew up but just barely. So last week, I gave up the navigation and just took the way I knew and guess what I got there at :8:59.  No need for exits, and shortcuts or turning onto random corners.  I just trusted myself and  the result was the same. No more frustration or lack of knowing if I would get there on time or worse the sinking feeling that I was utterly dependent on someone who knew but didn’t care to tell me how.

So no big news there, I can do things, but often I do not.  As my therapist mentioned, I lack Chutzpah, that bit of nerviness with others close to me where I can say listen I know your methods are different perhaps even better, but I prefer to do it my way. I admitted to him that I felt like I could not make certain decisions because of the strong opinions or some or worse because of their lack of organization. Instead, I was left stewing in my frustration and wondering what the hell I had done to be so lacking in will power.  Sure, I was breathing and being mindful but I had gone to the other extreme of letting some run over my life and affect personal decisions that frankly were no one’s business except mine and my significant others.  I am like the lone boat in the marina, pushed ahead with the tides of strong personalities, unwilling and worse filling so up with anger and frustration that spewed onto the wrong person.

I have made so much progress in my life but now I also new additions in my life and feel like in some way have to start over.  That’s ok, that’s life but the difficulty is knowing when to speak up and when to shut up and let others live their life the way to want to.  I guess, the same way I want to be treated by others…

Brownness

Regret City: Very appropriate story to go along with my status update :)

Regret City

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. This is my annual "Guilt Trip."

I got tickets to fly there on "WISH-I-HAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my "baggage," which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was loaded down with a thousand memories of "what might have been." No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.

As I checked into the "Last Resort" Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year’s most important event — the annual "Pity Party." I wasn’t going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there.

First, there would be the "Done" family; you know, "Should Have," "Would Have" and "Could Have." Then came the "I Had" family. You probably know old "Wish" and his clan. Of course, the "Opportunities" family; "Missed and Lost," would be present. The biggest family there would be the "Yesterday’s."

There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share. Of course, "Shattered Dreams" would surely make and appearance. "It’s Their Fault" family would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in their life. Each story would be loudly applauded by the "Don’t Blame Me" and "I Couldn’t Help It" committee.

To make a long story short, I went to this depressing party, knowing full well there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that this trip and subsequent "pity parties" COULD be cancelled by ME!

I started to realize that I did not have to be there. And I didn’t have to be depressed. One thing kept going through my mind, I CAN’T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as being encouraging.

Knowing this, I left Regret City immediately, and didn’t leave a forwarding address. Am I sorry for mistakes I’ve made in the past? YES! But there is no way to undo them.

So, if you’re planning a trip back to Regret City, please cancel all those reservations now. Instead, take a trip to a nice place called: "Starting Again." I like it so much that I made it my permanent residence. My neighbors, the "Been Forgiven" and the "We’re Saved" are so very helpful. By the way, you don’t have to carry around the heavy baggage anymore either. That load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. But don’t take my word for it, find out for yourself.

– Author Unknown

Myself

Alone

Cover of "Conversational Spanish (Living ...
Cover via Amazon

Today, I hit 204 pounds, only 14 pounds away from my idea goal.  I am also on Lesson 4 of Pimsleur’s guide to Spanish. almost halfway through beginning conversational Spanish.  Today was also the last day for my online UCLA class of Bringing Characters to Life. To top of all this, we have finally begun discussion on wedding dates. I should feel satisfied but I am not as it hit me that a lot of what I am doing is being done alone.  I have failed to share my passions and victories with the ones I love but worst of all, it does not appear that it matters to them.  I am lonely but motivated.  Sad but looking forward to life ahead.  Angry because I am suffocating with frustrations and old hurts

I know I probably exaggerating but I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, and thus I am still blowing up over absolutely trivial things. I also know that there are some I should avoid, some I should handle gingerly, some with love but most of all some with caution as whatever comes out of my mind, seems to end up on their plate.  I have no privacy or at least it feels like it but more than anything else I just cannot believe how I have treated some who are dear to me especially her.  I owe her more than an apology, I owe her my life.

Brownness

Ziba Beauty is now an open group


—— Forwarded Message
From: Ziba Beauty <groups-noreply@linkedin.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Mar 2011 17:54:03 +0000 (UTC)
To: Sanjay Sabarwal <sanjay@zibabeauty.com>
Subject: Ziba Beauty is now an open group

  

  LinkedIn  Groups
 
 

Group: Ziba Beauty

  • Subject: Ziba Beauty is now an open group
            I am pleased to announce that, as the owner of this group, I have just switched us to an open discussion group. All future discussions will be fully visible, searchable, and shareable on the Web. All past discussions are now closed in a members-only archive. I look forward to our future discussions now joining the broader conversation of the wider Web.       
     
    Posted By Sanjay Sabarwal  
     View or add comments » <http://www.linkedin.com/e/wjz7f-gll4ivoq-3k/vaq/47850851/850967/-1/view_disc/>   

      Don’t want to hear from the manager? Unsubscribe here <http://www.linkedin.com/e/wjz7f-gll4ivoq-3k/vgs/850967/> LinkedIn values your privacy. At no time has LinkedIn made your email address available to any other LinkedIn user without your permission. ©2011, LinkedIn Corporation.    

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  • Brownness

    Half Off at Ziba Beauty

    Sent from my iPhone

    Begin forwarded message:

    From: Rahul <rahulkhannausc@gmail.com>
    Date: March 20, 2011 10:00:01 AM PDT
    To: Sanjay Sabarwal <sanjay@zibabeauty.com>
    Subject: Fwd: Half Off at Ziba Beauty

    Good job 🙂

    Sent from my iPhone

    Begin forwarded message:

    From: “Groupon” <mail@e.groupon.com>
    Date: March 20, 2011 5:42:53 AM PDT
    To: <rahulkhannausc@gmail.com>
    Subject: Half Off at Ziba Beauty
    Reply-To: “Groupon” <reply-fe5515707d620d797c11-125679_HTML-702274924-96988-0@e.groupon.com>

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    Groupon
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    Sunday, March 20, 2011

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    $11 for $22 Worth of Threading, Waxing, and More at Ziba Beauty

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