#30trust

15 Minutes to Live: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Image via Wikipedia

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

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I love you.  Thank you.  Those are the words I am going to repeat again and again to the ones that have always been close to me.  Mom, Dad, there isn’t much you have not done for me, yet I feel like I have always let you down.  I could have done so much more yet you never judged, always accepted who I was, and were there when I needed you.

Suman, my oldest and amazing sister.  As much as I always responded to you with irritation I realize now that everything you said to me always came from the same place of love and worry for your little brother.   For you, it did not matter that I fell repeatedly or made the same mistakes, for you all that mattered was that I was ok, and if I needed any help getting back.

Sumita, you are my second mom and as much as I fought that notion all my life, I now realize that there was a reason I needed two moms. I needed one that loved me unconditionally and another who loved me passionately but would not allow me to be the lower person that I managed to be some days.  You never gave up and your passion and creativity are the reason we are, I mean I am the success I am. I have all the material things I could want thanks to you.  And although we always differed on how to use our wealth, you have taught me that money isn’t just a means to an end, it can used as a sword to cut away a lot of the injustices in the world.

Preeti, to the one I have managed to hurt the most even though I have loved you from the moment I got to know you, I realize now how much you have been part of my life when I needed someone the most.  To you, saying I love you and thank you arent enough without adding I am so, so sorry for all the pain that I have caused you in your life.  I wish I could take all the pain away with me now just so finally you could have peace and the knowledge that no matter, I loved you with my entire soul.

Jemal, Vuong, Nik, Vuong, Raj

We meet at different times in our lives, and yet you all have been unwavering in your love and support for me even though I never managed to return the favor at times.  All I can say now is that you were always present in my thoughts even if by my action its appeared I did not.  Time is so short to explain how much I love you guys for making me a better human than I am.

Family

There are so many of you that have been there without complaint and comment in my life and have done so many things that if I had 15,000 minutes, I wouldn’t be able to describe all that you have added to my life.  I only pray I can come back in some form to repay you for all the love you gave me.  I truly am unworthy of such great family.

Rockwell, Noel, Vishal, Mike Fitz

To you, I owe a great thank you for always being around when I needed you even though the time gaps were large, nothing every changed between us except the deepening of our love for each other’s friendships.

The time draws close now, and I know there are dozens I have left out and will never get to them in time because all my life, I have received so much generosity and gifts that I could never pay back.  In these waning moments, I leave you this small words of thanks and love and hope that you can forgive me for my sins and remember that I meant no ill will.  I am who I was.  The rest, as they say is history.  Perhaps I made a mark in your life, but know one thing you definitely made one on me.  Thank you.

Brownness

Everybody

Sanjay Sabarwal
There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done. 
My Past, Myself, Preeti, Writing

My Writing Sucks: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
Janss Steps, Royce Hall in background, UCLA
Image via Wikipedia

For the first time since I started on my UCLA extension classes, I am wondering what made me think I could actually write.  This is the first time also I took only one class, and yet it feels as if my entire certificate for creative non fiction depends on it.  The class is for personal essays, how to write one and get published.  We have only written 5 essays but it feels as if I have written 50.  The worse part: my writing absolutely, without any doubt in my mind, sucks.  I mean it’s awful.  Instead of showing, I am telling. Instead of describing people, I am using stock characters.  And grammar? Forget about it, it looks like I stopped around 8th grade.

At first, it was easy to blame the class (teacher sucks, essays too general, no lectures, etc) and then I realized that the issue really was me.  My first topic was about my grandfather, the second about my mom and sisters opening up Ziba, the third about my difficult writing, and the fourth and fifth about cancer.  Each topic emotionally loaded for me, but more importantly not really dealt with at the time so as I began writing, I lose myself into that time period so the writing resembles that of a child.

Writing about Ziba and my dad;s drinking is just plain hard mainly because I have such mixed emotions about it.  When Ziba started, I was at UCLA and then Law school and I was 13 when my dad drank and it has had a powerful effect on me.  The main reason its hard because Ziba is in my lifeblood and I love my dad so much now, more so because he is one of the few people I know in my life who did a 180 turn in life to save his family.  I have so much respect, pride and love for him that it’s hard to look at a time when I felt nothing for him.  As for Ziba, it;s just hard to write about it because I have the guilt that I could have done so much more and that perhaps I didn’t have much to do with it for it to be successful.  In a way, maybe I am riding it coattails, but then I see my family and they just don’t see it like that and won’t let me either.

Finally, my love and cancer. This part’s the hardest just because it was so recent but more importantly it involved someone I love so completely that it’s hard to imagine being without her.  So here I am, in a personal essay class where all the essays are so personal that they don’t mean much to others because I havent dealt with my own issues, and thus the writings are full of meandering thoughts and emotions that frankly aren’t very fun to read if I was totally honest with myself.  Let’s hope I figure it out soon before I truly feel like a failure.  I am open to suggestions 🙂

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Brownness

Creative Ways to Say No :)

Sanjay Sabarwal

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$
 

 

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely,

 Norman $oh

 

 

 

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

 
Yours truly,
Manager

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