My Past, Myself

Three Words

Sanjay Sabarwal
A hoodie with the University of California, Lo...
A hoodie with the University of California, Los Angeles trademark. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I don’t know.  The three words I can always count on in my life. I have struggled with who I am for the longest time.  I think that the only time I was sure what I wanted to be was when I won a writing competition in high school (the NCTE) that allowed me acceptance into UCLA. After that, it was one giant slippery slope.  I became unsure if being an English major was enough, then got caught up in promoting and creating events in college (South Asian Youth Conference, Bruin Bhangra,etc) , and I thought I had a knack for it. My family couldn’t afford for me to go, so I took on being a dishwasher as well as doing dorm security to make tuition. I became even more confused. Did I want to just become a write? How will I survive?  So I added Political Science as well, because I thought I was special and could do both. That added another year so I took almost 5 years to graduate.

I still think that college was perhaps the best time of my life because it allowed me to almost figure out who I am, yet in some ways it spoiled me. I avoided real life, and so after college I took on Americorps and ended up in Lexington, Kentucky where I tutored juvenile delinquents in English for a year. Again, I got busy in volunteering, and not really facing myself.  After coming back, I somehow decided on law school at the Southwestern University School of Law, but not in old program, the SCALE program, the only 2 year law program in the country at the time.  I decided to go with being unconventional because it allowed me to avoid real life. So went the story of my life, yet I also know I am not being fair with myself.  I make not knowing seem a bad thing, but what I really mean is my hunger for knowledge has never died.  I like to think it keeps me young. Sometimes saying “I don’t know” is also saying “I want more.”

 

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Mistakes

Sanjay Sabarwal
Candles
Candles (Photo credit: magnuscanis)

 

I hate when I have to learn from repetitive mistakes.  It seems pointless, even hateful that I continue to make mistakes that seem so clear AFTER the fact.  Yet, that is how we get better, grow and perhaps at some point stop making those mistakes. I never thought I would stop making mistakes, but I did expect that I would get better.   Well, so much for that notion.  It’s not even the continual mistake that I am sorry about, but the fact that I let someone down who expects me to rise above being my usual self. I am too caught up in my pain to see theirs.  Too self-involved.  Too hurt.  Too deep in my self-pity. Too everything as long it involves just me, me, me!

 

Yet, all those are rationalizations. They are nothing more than excuses after the fact.  I am at a loss as to how make the person feel better, and that could lead to even more mistakes.  I thought I was better than that.  That I could learn at any age, and be a better person.  I know I can, yet I also have to deal with the aftermath of my carelessness.  It wasn’t meant to be spiteful but leaving someone alone in their time of need can feel that way to the person.  I was recently told to become more aware of what I say and I do, ad I have to say I still have a long way to go.  I am still too often on auto-pilot, and saying and doing things that are completely unnecessary and hurtful.

 

At this points, words are the assurance I feel I can offer someone, yet even I know that is not enough.  It is time for action. Sometimes being and acting sorry are not even close to being enough.  Sometimes you have to be an adult!

 

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Brownness, Myself, Writing

Spring Cleaning

Sanjay Sabarwal

 

I read somewhere the best way to spring clean is one small area or cupboard at a time.  Yesterday, I started with my medicine cabinet, one of the smallest in my house.  It took me an hour to get rid of expired medications, open packets of various sorts and 15 different kind of pain patches (both wife and I have had at one point or another back spasms), and try to coordinate what medications go on which shelf.  One hour.  And I still wasn’t quite happy with it. It wasn’t as clean as I wanted it to be. It wasn’t shining or perfect the way I wanted it to be, but I finally let it go because I was tempted to go on to another cabinet.  All the while, I could not believe how much crap I had stored in the house ( I can’t blame my wife since I lived at this house by myself for a long time). I wanted at that moment to clean it all!

Feb Challenge Day 24_inside your bathroom cabi...
Feb Challenge Day 24_inside your bathroom cabinet 6 (Photo credit: raganmd)

It kind reminded me of my writing.  I start with a blog post, and the next thing I know I want to write a novel.  Yet I know, it’s a step by step by process but somewhere I fall off. I can’t seem to figure out between doing too much, too little or nothing at all.  I don’t know how to be steady. I don’t know how to take it step by step. It’s as if I am hardwired to either sprint a marathon or sit on the stand and watch others go by me.  I have always been the type to need the recipe or manual on how to do things.  Well, guess what, life doesn’t come with one (no shit Sherlock), and so I flounder. I don’t look at what I have accomplished: a clean drawer and a blog post, but more at what I did not get to.  I read somewhere that you have to acknowledge your successes no matter how small. I think I am more afraid that I will become content with just that, and that is something I am just not willing to accept.  So I push myself. I will spring clean the whole house, and I will be a writer.  There is no middle ground!Back Camera

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