Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Numbers have a funny way of insinuating themselves into our lives. This year makes it our twelfth wedding anniversary, but its our first one with Zyan, and suddenly 12 becomes a whole lot more meaningful and beautiful. I never thought I would accept sharing my wife with someone who not only multiplies our love, but has it focused on him. Each of our glances towards each other also have him in the periphery. Instead of a meal with just two of us, we became a party of 3 and for a while we felt full being a complete family unit(of course, the dog would have made it more complete for my wife).

And all i can do is count my blessings. Things are changing all the time, but for us, the changes have been continuous and rapid. Some have been not as welcome, but a majority have required us changing our mindset. More specifically mine. My tendency or need for structure does not serve me well sometimes when there are changes. I get to learn to navigate or find different ways to accomplish my goals. Too often, I get hung up on the way my day did not go as planned, and so now I get to think about my days differently.

The same applies to our marriage. As we grow together, we learn to support each other. It can take a while when we get stuck in our stories. One of my biggest learnings is that instead of focusing on my needs and words, I get to learn to stay open, present, and truly hear the others. More often than not, we are saying the same thing but in different ways. And I admit there have been times it has led to lack of appreciation and understanding of each other.

One of the wonderful things about numbers like anniversaries is a chance to reflect, to celebrate, to perhaps apologize, to acknowledge, to share our blessings, but most of all, to let the other person how much they are truly loved.

Happy Anniversary Babu, I love you.

The morning time. A time to reflect, regret, recover, remember and revise the harsh words I threw at someone. It started off with good intentions except I forgot one thing: to communicate. As a lawyer and a writer, I can sometimes be exceptionally bad at asking for what I need or want. Instead, I find passive aggressive ways that do not serve me and make things infinitely worse. And then I layer that on with some more silence, outside and inside even though the hurt bubbles inside me like molten lava, the need to say sorry and be heard so loud that I can say or hear nothing else.

But the words have been thrown, the damage done, and words alone aren’t going to get me out of this. Actions will, but that takes time, and I am impatient, wanting forgiveness immediately like inserting the correct code into the ATM and getting money (i.e satisfaction) right NOW. But hurt takes time to leave the body, but it will also stay longer if my actions continue to be the same way.

so morning time, a time to reflect, regret, recover, remember and revise. A time to think things through, learn to use my words correctly but at the right time. Which is not NOw. So I get to wait in silence, and I get to experience the persons hurt due to my words, which is an appropriate lesson or punishment. And then I hope I learn and not do it again. There’s always hope to learn, leverage, love and loosen the true feelings inside me.

This past weekend, Zyan turned 8 months old, and now I fully understand why so many parents say that time flies. Its hard to imagine a time without him. Our smiles match his, and it’s truly heartening to see my wife and my entire family light up at the sight of him. He finds a way to squirrel into each heart. and watching him be entertained by so many this weekend made it clear that he will always be surrounded by love and blessings.

Hearing the longing in my wife’s voice as she FaceTimed him this weekend did make my heart squeeze a bit because being away from our son is a challenge. I know my time will come as well, and while intellectually it sounds right to take some time for oneself, the idea of being away from him for any length of time seems like self-inflicted punishment. It does not help that he is such a good child to begin with. He is gentle with his older parents (well mostly gentle). He self-soothes. goes to all the family, makes clear when he is sleepy or hungry, loves the outdoors.

And the list goes on and on, and it hits me that our world is now fuller because of Zyan. All roads lead through him, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Happy 8 Months Zyan, Mama and Papa love watching you grow!

This past weekend, Zyan experienced his first picnic, while we also learned what we need to bring in the future, and also how to time events. Even though it was a few hours, the sheer joy of watching Zyan play filled the heart, especially watching my wife’s light up and mirror Zyan’s joy. Of course, Bella joined us, and while she snoozed a majority of the time, in those few hours, we were a complete, albeit, small family unit. It was the kind of thing that we already want more of. Just the four of us.

While we are blessed to have so much family and friends who shower us with their love for Zyan and us, it definitely was a reminder that we get to snatch these quiet times for us and our Son so we can draw love and inspiration that becomes a foundation for his emotional strength, capacity to love, learn, engage and know that he is with two parents willing to do anything for him.

So the picnic blankets becomes the metaphor of holding all four of us in an intimate space together. It hit me that it takes effort and willingness from both of us to say No to others and YES to us. The temptation to let others experience him so strong that we sometimes have missed out just being there with him. With me working remote, and my wife taking care of him during the day, there’s very little time for us as a unit. But yesterday, we made it happen.

And we will continue to do so, to have him experience new things with his parents and fur sister because this time will go fast, and we want him to know that he is loved eternally, deeply and completely by his Mama and Papa.

Happy Monday!

Some quiet finally. Zyan’s gone down for his morning nap, and the day and the week loom large in front of me. A deep breath, and all that needs to be done comes rushing at me, and for a moment, it just feels like too much. Another breath. Then another. The heart beat slows. Watching Zyan sleep peacefully on the monitor helps tremendously.

I got this. c

Its been a few weeks since I wrote, and part of the reason is that having a newborn and my recommitment to work and working out leaves me with little else. Except thats not really true either. I have chosen to take on learning more Family Law, also a Pre-Algebra Math Class (to get over my fear of Math and Prep for Zyan), and also new unique cases that are testing my knowledge and skill. And then there is BNI my weekly networking group which contributes so much to my marketing and business skills, and on the weekends, an inevitable birthday, wedding, get together and next thing I know, bam! Its Monday. As my therapist notes, I am flailing around rather than being present and focused.

A guilt also hangs around me as I know I need to do a better job of spending time with my wife. She has quietly taken on the duty of taking care of Zyan, the majority of the day, and so she has to deal with him not wanting to nap, or to be picked up constantly, or taking 30 minute naps that allow her to barely sip her coffee before it turns ice cold. Working remotely has its privileges, but it also makes it hard ignoring her struggles with him, or wanting to rush in and pacify him, knowing thats not the plan we agreed on.

But wait, there’s more. In our busyness as parents, being partners has taken somewhat of a backseat. Being home I take for granted that I know what my wife dealt with through just me hearing it, but thats not the same as being present to it. My need to do it all in a day is no longer serving me. My desire to work out 5 days a week, or spend hours learning are now luxuries that cannot overshadow being present to my marriage.

And so I get to learn to parcel it out, to parse, to break from routine, to lend a ear or a hand or just be here to my partner this Monday. Reacting to self-scheduled goals can no longer be the priority unless I include my wife into them. And just like that, some of the tension releases now that I know what I need to do. It will take time, but again when its worth it, its worth doing.

Gotta go. Zyan just woke up from a 45 minute nap!

Waking up on this today was different for once. Instead of just celebrating all the wonderful fathers and father figures,. I got to experience the love, gratitude and blessings from so many for my first Fathers Day. Of course, as I stared into Zyan’s eyes, my only other wish was for Papa to see him, to know that he will learn all the things that Papa passed onto me, from my love of music, to enjoying the first rays of the morning sun. I will teach him to be open to trying new things, to act silly no matter what age, to open to laughing at a moments notice, to show your love publicly for those who bring you joy. To be around family, and not just the immediate ones.

For a moment, my heart contracts so hard with grief, that it hurts physically. But then Zyan comes into my view, and the pain lessens. I now get to be Papa. That feeling comes instills responsibility in me, makes me want to be a better father, to impart all the goodness I inherited, to avoid my mistakes, to be open to learning, and to act with the aim of showing him all that is possible.

The day flew by as we celebrated so many great fathers, and being surrounded by so many people while receiving multiple messages for my first Fathers Day filled my heart with lasting gratitude. Besides that, my wife’s beautiful and thoughtful gifts filled me to overflowing and made me want to ensure that we keep appreciating and acknowledging each other on this new journey of ours.

It was an amazing day, made even better with the people in it, and I cannot wait for more celebrations to follow.

I hope yours was as memorable as mine! Happy Monday!