Category: Preeti

Myself, Preeti

A Letter From Me To You

Sanjay Sabarwal

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

I sent this to my dear friend and family today. Then it hit me that I meant it for anyone in my life.  I hope it helps or if nothing else makes you appreciate what you do have instead of what you do not.

 

I woke up today, feeling lighter in months.  The sun is shining, lighting up my library and my soul.  I sit here writing these letter with a smile on my face.  I have been meaning to write to many of you and then it hit me that it was almost the same message for all of you.  If you’re getting this email today, it is because I love you, and cannot express how much you mean to me in person.  Before anything else, I would like to apologize to some of you for my mean spiritedness and my childishness.  I expected everyone to behave exactly how I was feeling, and I made it about me and not Preeti so please accept my apology as I was unfair, small-minded and frankly, just selfish.  To some others, I was also unkind and cruel for no real reason than because they happen to be in the way and again, I apologize. All of who have been generous with your warmth, help and thoughts at one time or another so much so that I don’t think I will ever be able to repay you.  So I simply say thank you again, and again and again. 🙂  One last apology, I couldn’t BCC you all for some reason so please ignore the CC’s and do not reply all please.


But that’s not the real reason for this email   I just finished reading the Taking The Leap by Pema Chodron, and so much of the book made instant sense to me so I ask you to please get the book (I was lucky enough to be gifted by someone very thoughtful).  In a nutshell, the book says we are not alone, and we do not need to suffer alone.  Many of you are going through your own crisis’s and challenges, and I just want to let you know that your are loved and thought of by me and others  Don’t let ego and pride be the reason for not reaching out.  I know I didn’t.  Don’t let fear, hate and anger rule your world because in the short-term it will feel good but it won’t solve anything in the long-term.  Do not let negative emotions rule your day and self because they are just old habits that will only give you temporary relief.

Instead, pause throughout the day, take 3 deep breaths.  1) Acknowledge that you have the emotion 2) Experience the emotion 3( most importantly, relax and let it go.  You don’t have to act on those negative emotions. I just reread the email, and I know I sound like a born again sappy religious wacko, but I truly mean the words that are here.  I love you, I miss you, and I am sorry.  IF nothing else, please just remember that.

Have a great day.  I know I will be thinking of you all.

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Myself, Preeti

Appreciation

Sanjay Sabarwal
pics 104
Image by misti_kay via Flickr

Yesterday, I leaned into it.  Myself that is, the minor irritations, the anxiety about not writing, the deadline to get the assignment done even half-assed. I acknowledged I was hooked, leaned into it, took 3 deep breaths, and relaxed, actually that’s not quite accurate, I actually enjoyed and appreciated everyone, the Natural warmth came out right away!  I spend an interesting hour talking to my father in law, getting to know him, another with her best friends about the day, and what they were up to, and for a while, it almost seemed like a party in the Oncology module.  We ate with her, and laughed and although Kaiser nurses especially seemed intent on kicking us out of the treatment every 5 minutes, the time we all spent together made the 5 hours go by quickly.

I could not believe how generous everyone with their time and spirit.  From someone driving from the Valley just to drive her 5 minutes, to others coming right after work, and one even skipping work to come spend time with her.  As I relaxed, I saw the true warmth and openness of others, and I was ashamed at my earlier reactions.  I leaned into that, breathed it in, recognized it for what it was: hurt at feeling alone and just plain loneliness.  I lashed out for no other reason than because it was easy to do, and I felt better temporarily.  So now I work on pausing, leaning in, taking the breathing in and just relaxing and letting go.

Thank you, Pema Chodrom, your book Taking The Leap has touched my life.

thank you all for your texts, calls, Facebook messages and prayers for her as we go through this very difficult time.  I do apologize if I hurt any of you in any way.  I hope I can fix that, and know that you are all appreciated for all that you have done and will do.

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Family, Myself, Preeti

An Apology (sort of)

Sanjay Sabarwal
a Sadhu in Vârânasî, India.
Image via Wikipedia

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

Yesterday was an amazing day.  Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself.  It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together.  The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here!  Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together.  The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several.  There was my mother in well  as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others.   Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .

I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others.  No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go).  I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me.  In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry.   To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing.  It really isn’t about them.  It’s about me.  I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly.  In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it.  Ok, I almost said that with a straight face.  No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing.  So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more.  After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up.  I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well.  As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone.  I have others I can trust with my life including my new family.  And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.

When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past.  I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain.  Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are?  We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.

Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help.  I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no.  I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity.  I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch.  An emotionally unstable whiner.  A loner.  I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are.  So yes I am a bitch.  I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character.  Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).

I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people.  I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well.  I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile  At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.  Except for me as well, duh!  Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂

 

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Myself, Preeti

A Wake Up Call

Sanjay Sabarwal
It Amazes Me
Image via Wikipedia

So I received a wonderful email from a friend whose words struck a chord with me.  I won’t embarrass her by saying who it is but will put up the excerpt.  It truly is great advice and one that I plan to try and implement in my life.  It amazes me how help and great words come from unexpected sources.  The people I assumed would be the main support of my life now have reinforcements and ,in some ways, outpaced by people I haven’t talked to in year.  I am truly blessed and humbled to have so many come forward and be in my life, and for that I do not think I can thank God or these people enough.

I will let the excerpt complete this post because it truly does, and I hope whoever reads it gets what it’s trying to do:

I have been wanting to say a few things to you after reading your post.  Like you have been told by others, I think you are being too hard on yourself.  We never see it ourselves so its natural that people in our lives point it out to us.  If you think striving for perfection is going to fix all, then you can definitely try…but remember there is no such thing.  So is striving for something that does not exist worth the consequences of your efforts.

If you want to strive for something, then strive to live each moment with what feels right to you.  When you are down on yourself, you judge, degrade, negate, scold, demoralize yourself.  These negative actions cause more negative thoughts and spread like poison in your system.  Stop and realize that if you have negativity inside you, what is coming out to the people around you?

If you are asking “What do I do then?” Well of course that is up to you.  If you want to create more positivity around you, it has to start with you.  Use your power of making a choice to choose and create more positive thoughts.  Here are a few things you might want to try if you aren’t already…

print out positive affirmations and put them in places where you will see them at least once a day.  Here are some affirmation from Louise Hay (She use to have cancer and developed affirmations to be more positive)
-“All is well.  Out of this experience, only good will come.  Everything is working out for
my highest good.  I am safe.”
-“I am divinely protected and guided.”
-“I release the past and allow love to find me.  I attract healthy, loving relationships.”

-Play classical music in the background.  Here are some Baroque composers.  Its said that since playing music from this time period is more stimulating because it was composed in a time of richness and abundance.
-Johann Sebastian Bach
-Antonio Vivaldi
-George Frideric Handel

-At night before you guys go to bed, tell each other at least 3 things you are both thankful for that day.

-Don’t criticize yourself or others.

-Surround yourselves with positive people.

-Respond to your emotions, don’t just react to them.

I am sure you are both overwhelmed with so much coming your way.  Don’t feel you have to do what others are saying…find your own ways, your own peace.  Learn to discover what is love and peace to the both of you and build a life together on that.

Cancer, Family, Myself, Preeti

Prayers, Friends and Family

Sanjay Sabarwal
Goodenough, PhD
Image via Wikipedia

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

In the fading light of the day, I say a small prayer for my friend’s father who passed away 2 nights ago.  The house is quiet as usual, and she rests uneasily but expectantly for the nausea to follow.  A friend had just visited, the  worry lines creased deep into her forehead due to the recent seizure experienced by her little brother. 2011 seems to be foreboding, and I wonder if more bad news is to come.

But that really is the easy way out.  What is it about a series of bad events that makes us believe that we are unlucky or somehow cursed?  I close my eyes and see my family, and nothing but joy gratitude and loves comes into my soul.  There is not a single relative that I don’t love with all my heart and soul.  It almost seems like heresy to believe that I have the perfect family.  I know my love for them is imperfect because I do not thank God or revel in my blessings of having a truly amazing family enough.  I would daresay that my family is worlds better than the ones I hear about in fictional novels.  I have the ULTIMATE FAMILY, and their wondrous love and prayers are the reason I can sit here clacking away while she struggles with her pain.

Their thoughts and prayers are the reason I know with all my heart and soul that this too shall pass.  That this stupid Cancer is merely a minor bump on the long road of life.  And I pray even harder.  Pray for my blessings, pray that I am at the unfortunate cross roads to hear about friends parents dying, sibling suffering uncalled for pain,  and it makes me ache for my mom and dad who are merely a block away from me physically but always reside in my heart.  I fall in love each time my sisters come over or her brothers do.  Her mom’s pain reverberates in my heart, and I wish I could inhale all their worry and fear.  So I thank God yet again for joining us with them.  For giving us real soldiers so we can mercilessly kill the killer.

And then I come to my friends.  I always thought I had a few good friends, but this recent adventure of ours has introduced me to an amazing soul:Biba, who has selflessly given her time and energy to heal the love of my life.  She made the chemo session seem as just a routine doctor’s visit and I do not think I can ever thank enough.  And then there are others who think they can achieve comfort by merely texting or leaving quick voice mails.  Don’t get me wrong the concern is real but it’s minuscule as if the disease she’s batting is minor or one that can fit in 140 characters or less.   The sad part is that healing her takes nothing more than their physical contact but it’s treated as if  she’s not worth that.  And it hurts.  But we move on because we have to, and we will remember.  They are the past, and the future we have looks brighter due to the shining souls in our life.  The rest of them can take their indifferent asses back to Facebook, Twitter and texts, and become as irrelevant as the social media horse they rode in on.

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Caretaker

Sanjay Sabarwal
1987 Ativan advertisement. "In a world wh...
Image via Wikipedia

Last night was the first time I laid down to bed with a heavy heart not because of her because I already had failed at my promise to post every day.  Although I tried to intellectualize it by claiming I wrote the post in my mind, I could not get past that feeling to not  write is something I can no longer accept.  Actually, I started the post with a bit of a  lie because my soul was heavy because once again the word “Caretaker” had been flung at me, and once again I was made to feel that nothing I do was good enough.  While others were thanked for their time, I was derided for stuffing medicines down her throat and leaving her in a dark room. After more than 2 days feeling like I was at fault, I realized she was right.  In my effort to control the disease by making her as physically comfortable as possible, I had lost sight that a hug could more than Zofran, Ativan or Compazine could ever do.  The problem really was my reluctance between comforting her with medications versus just laying down with her.

The truth is I am scared to see her so uncomfortable and instead of asking the easy question of “Are you Ok?”, I inevitably ask “Do you need medicine?”  I am substituting science for compassion, and I see now that the medicine really is more for me than for her. It is the only way I feel like I can fight the effects of Chemotherapy, but it’s not working.  If I was really honest with myself, she is doing extremely well considering the toxins in her body, and actually handling everything quite well.  I just keep expecting things to get worse  and at the first sign of a grimace, I use the medicine bottles as a shield.

The part that hurts most is the ease with which she thanks others for their care and concern, while I stand across a seemingly un-crossable divide of being the help.  I thought I could be a caregiver, a husband but instead in my fear and haste to make her feel better. I relegated myself to the realm of servitude rather than gratitude.