Category: Myself

Food For Thought, Myself, Writing

Not Always So/Empty Hands

Sanjay Sabarwal

Almost every day, I get the urge to blog. Yet it is not always so that I write. I  can’t remember how many blog posts  I have written in my head. I often wish for a machine that could just transcribe directly from my brain on to paper. I am pretty sure I am not the only one to fantasize about that.The worst is when I get ideas for a stories or essays, and in that one magical few moments, I can see the entire thing already completed. And then the next moment, poof, it’s gone. Sometimes my brain is smart enough to jot the idea down in my phone, but after a few days when I look at those words, it’s like they are gibberish. Yet the urge to write keeps striking, and so many days have gone by that it no longer made sense to wait. So even though life is not always so, today I am going to attempt to make sense of some of my thoughts.

So much has happened this past month. A good friend recently put together a great event called “The Empty Hands” tour.  When first approached about it, and after listening to the video that was created, I knew I had to attend. The concept was simple. A listening party at a generous friends place along with mini stories about gratitude, love, and forgiveness. The concept riveted me. Nimo Patel (formerly of the desi hip hop group Karmacy) has been living in India for almost 7 year now, and although he thought he was done with music, his experiences at Manav Sadhna struck the creative chord. I am going to admit, the old me would have dismissed all this as hokey and too New Age crap, but Nimo’s sincerity is not only infectious, it is inspiring. It is rare to find so many like-minded at the event who gave them time, attention and love all in the name of being better.

I cringe at the my inability to share the joy and admiration I felt to be part of that event, yet here I am trying. I am learning that is it not always so that life will be as one pictures it. It is not always so when the day will go as planned or the people in our life will treat us the way we wish to be treated. All we have are moments of the present to enjoy what’s out there. So New Age Sanjay says  that while sometimes it may feel or look like you are holding nothing in your hands, that is they are empty, but often than not, they carry our hopes and wishes as well as gratitude.

Journal, Myself, Preeti

The Stench of Self-Pity Part 2

Sanjay Sabarwal

BK Shivani said that just like you don’t yell at others constantly, we also need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a moment, think of all the negative sub talk that is going on in your mind. I know I am guilty of it. There was a constant river of berating myself for not being focused, not working out, not writing, not working, not being good enough, not eating well, not keeping up with friends, not being better and on and one.  This was the soundtrack of my daily life.  And I am pretty sure it’s yours.  We are constantly beating ourselves for what we are failing to do.  Yet we don’t take the time to be grateful for what we do have and what we are doing. I know I was guilty of that. I also know how silly one can feel being grateful for what we have. It just seems natural. It’s there. I want what I don’t have. We have this need for what we cannot ever grasp in our hands, yet each moment that we pass without thinking of what we have, we move further away.

Two years ago, I was perhaps the furthest I have ever been from writing and reading. Two very simple things that I have done most of my life, and at first I dismissed them as simple things that I would get to. Then I became addicted to social media, constantly checking and rechecking other’s updates about images, stories and things that in the long run did not add much value in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am not bashing social media, but for me what I thought were simple things to ignore allowed me to use shallow posts to become my crutches.

So I began reading, then writing every day. Now I struggle with how much I can do each day with me adding learning Spanish, Meditation, and working out. I say all this not to brag, but that instead of the negative self-talk, I accept who and what I am.  Yes. there are days, many of them  infact, that I don’t get to all that I want to get done, but you know what? Its OK. I give myself a break. I now see that even when I dont get to do all that I want, I still get something wonderful, like an hour long phone conversation with a great friend, or getting to know something about Preeti that I didn’t know, or doing something completely new.

In a nutshell, be gentle with yourself. Stop the negative talk. Enjoy the moment. Take a breath. And then keep moving.

Cancer, My Past, Myself

The Stench of Self-Pity Part 1

Sanjay Sabarwal

Is there a better feeling than waking up to the quietness of a beautiful morning?  When the eyes are still closed, but inside you feel full of gratitude and love for all that is in your life?  Think I am full of shit? Few years ago, I would have agreed and perhaps even said that I was just trying to be a creative writer.  Yet, last year around this time is when I was still recovering from my brain surgery and prior to that, my wife’s illness and then before that a stroke  around the time a loss of a dear dear friend reverberated through  my soul. So I could say life was not fair. I could have whined, and been angry.  And honestly, I did. I cannot even read some of the stuff I wrote around that time because the stench of self-pity suffocates me.  I felt so sorry for myself that I engaged in soul deadening behaviors like avoidance, and pretending all was well. I stopped reading, writing or really doing anything that gave me true joy. I fought with people in my life with such a vengeance as if it was their fault my life was where it was.

I probably would have continued if some of the strangest things came together to salvage who I used to be. It began with a subscription to The New Yorker. I have been buying books all my life, and there are always piles of unread books surrounding my homes, but subscribing to the New Yorker was a new commitment for me. I had no idea that each week, a magazine that was extremely well written with VERY long articles would come to my doorstep.  Each and every single fucking week. So I began reading. Around the same time, a forwarded You Tube link of BK Shivani’s “Healer Within” caught my eye.  At first, I was uncomfortable with the Indian accents, but her words struck me into submission with their clarity and accuracy.  I also began doing Morning Pages from The Artist’s Way as well as doing Lumosity brain games while trying to learn Spanish (still struggling).

I didn’t realize at the time, but I had begun constructing a new me….

To Be Continued….

Myself

FULL & Grateful

Sanjay Sabarwal

GratitudeI noticed that I am not posting as often as I used to, and one of the main reasons was that I am just full. I am full of love, gratitude, and the attitude of being better at everything I do.  I blogged to whine, complain and maybe explain, but for the past few months, I feel the most complete I have in a while. And for that, I am truly grateful. Gratitude is a funny thing, I used to struggle to come up with things to be thankful for after mentioning my recovery, family, wife, and friends.  I failed to realize that breathing was a gift. Each inhale and exhale was more than I had the last time I suffered my stroke (again with the stroke). I do feel repetitive a lot of the times, perhaps that is the problem with being a writer. We keep rediscovering emotions and events, until we can get them down perfectly.  Yet it is more than that. I am still in awe of the changes others have made for my sake especially my amazing wife and family.

And then my birthday happened. Each and every person who got me something gave me something personal and unique to me. In fact, at one point I felt a bit ashamed as the amount of thought everyone had put in. It also hit me how much they care for me, and they made me even fuller.  So maybe, just maybe, the whining will simmer down here for a while.

Myself

Resolving to be me.

Sanjay Sabarwal

dreamsSo day 20 of resolutions, 2 days before my 42nd birthday. I ran 5 miles today, submitted my first 5000 word short story to my critique group, and did the 4 hour body diet all day and am down to 201 pounds. I am sure you are already rolling your eyes at my bragging, but the real reason I share so openly is because that’s just who I have always been.  I think its part of being a writer. We share. Probably share too much (as my wife can attest), but it comes naturally to us.  If you are unfortunate enough to be my friend on social media, I am sure you have seen my barrage of shared posts on inspiration and articles I find interesting.  You may also notice that I don’t post many status updates anymore.

There was a time, it was natural for me to share every single thought and emotion that came to mind. I was addicted to seeing my words come alive, but it became apparent that all I was doing was annoying some, while others tolerated me and friends found it kinda funny. So instead of just putting words down, I began to pick up the phone (not texting) to call friends and family or spending the end of the day talking to my wife about what was going on.  It was simple, but not easy. Facebook and Twitter, on the other hand, just require you post instantaneously, and while sometimes that’s fine, it can also not be the best representation of who you are really.

So I resolve to keep writing, and keep sharing things that move me, but I also intend on nurturing my relationships rather than social media.

Myself

Fobbylicious

Sanjay Sabarwal

I don’t know when it began. This love of indian music, food, language and religion. I have always accepted it, but recently there has been a disturbing trend that I keep seeing and hearing that just doesn’t make sense to me. When did it become OK to bash people who are from India?  Either calling them IT guys or wondering if they can speak English?  When did it become OK to look down on them?  What is it about other Desis that makes us so uncomfortable?  I just don’t get it.

OK, so the accents are funny sometimes, and dress sometimes more so, but as someone who spent 15 years in Little India. I don’t get the attitude that somehow because some of us speak English without an accent or dont watch bollywood or dont listen to desi music, that somehow we are better. But yet, most of our friends are desi. Just no desi music.  Just brown skin, please.  But nothing brown inside us.

Maybe I just don’t get LA anymore. Maybe, things have changed. The things that excite me like UK Bhangra, and hindi remixes or Asian Underground don’t matter anymore. Sure, Bollywood seems bigger, and seems to have incorporated a lot of the stuff that was clubby and underground before, but there is a large segment of us who just look down on anything appearing to be our motherland (yea I said it).

As if our parents language doesnt matter. As if our heritage, culture, music is something to be ignored, put down or disgusted by. I just don’t get it. Maybe I am just old. Maybe I am so out of the scene that what they say makes sense.  The thing is, they said the same thing to me 10 years ago. The scene is dead. LA sucks.  No one goes to parties.  Blah, blah, blah.

For me, desi music will always matter, and if I like something, and if I have the power to do something about it, I will it.  So hopefully, I will see you at the next event or maybe the one after. Maybe, just maybe, I am right.