Category: Myself

Myself

A New Post or Past: Read the Blog

Sanjay Sabarwal

I am not sure how to begin.  Not much of a surprise there, considering how much of my day I spend not know how it will end.  If there is no beginning and there is no end, what am I really doing?  So lately, I have taken the aimless days back and began filling them with who I really am.  And I got close in these past two days. I read, I blogged, hell I even worked out.  And life appeared to come into focus, but poof it skittered away as soon the light of confusion hit it. 

I am sick of not k nowing.  I am also sick of knowing then realizing that its false.  But most of all, I am sick of wondering when my life willl be complete.  But then I get a call from my nephew or niece, or a quick lick from my dog, or Preeti smiles her preciousness at me, and I wonder if I need anything more.  Is there a balance between completely helpless to wanting to take over the world?  Or am I just socially bipolar?

My Dog

I sit in this quiet room, itching to turn on the TV, or go read, anything to make this minute go by the point where I am still single, still living alone, still without issue.  I want to squeeze the annoying me out and bitch slap myself some nuts.  And for that utterly small moment, I just want to NOT BE.,,

And the quiet allows me that frustration, and slowly massages back into the unsure but believer Sanjay. 

Life will change.  So will I.  Things will get better.  I will not be alone.  I promise all that.

I hope someone’s listening.

Myself

Inspector Gadget

Sanjay Sabarwal

As I clicked on my 55″ LED TV, I had to decide in seconds whether I wanted to watch my Apple TV, check out the Laker game on cable or switch on my Blu Ray and finally finish season 20 of The Simpsons. 

As I puzzled  for those precious seconds, I checked my email on my Iphone absentmindedly and promised myself that I really needed to get a to do list done. 

I agreed with myself that it was time to check out the movies I had downloaded on my Apple TV. While my Harmony remote turned on all the right components, I poured a beer from my Beer Tender and turned on my IPOD on the receiver so the rest of the house could sing to me me very out of date playlist. 

Life is good, I said to myself. Until I realized, I was speaking to myself

I then  noticed that my Kindle is fully charged so I grabbed  it and  turned it on, reading a few pages in quick sucession from The Power of Less. The irony bitch slapping me  as the author focus is minimizing the things in 1 life and getting more done with less. 

So I restlessly toss the Kindle next to my Chumby and debate on whether I should charge up my FloTV.  I remember the books words, shake my head, and turn my attention back to Apple TV and begin watching Aziz Ansari’s comedy special.

Forgotten amongst all these gadgets was my desire to work out, to read a book a week, to blog frequently and reconnect with myself.

Instead, I sat alone with my gadgets, and convinced myself all was right in my world.

Myself

Visiting Family

Sanjay Sabarwal

There is nothing like having a lot of family visiting that brings up issues that you rather not deal with.  From being unmarried to wondering whats going on with my life, I have been blessed to have critical but extremely loving cousins who are so much fun to hang out with that 3 weeks have seemed like 3 days.  From daily gambling nights to unending laughter, it is more than a tinge of regret that I see them go in a few days. 

In a way, they are my gut check, letting me know where my life is without making me feeling like a complete failure.  Sure, there are some tensions especially trying to go somewhere where everyone will be happy, and God forbid we actually all end up at the same place with the kids.  However, at the end of it all, we all walk away with great memories and an even deeper love.  I wish I could show that to others close to me who are not in my family or about to enter my family.  Nowhere else is there such a safety net yet one filled with pointed concern. 

There are days, I cant imagine not running someone from my family and there are many days where I just rather hide than have be emotionally naked in fron of them.  I am ashamed of my fear, pain and hurt, and yet they are the main reserves of strength.  Go figure…

Brownness, Myself

Sighhh

Sanjay Sabarwal

How can a day that starts with so much promise, and delivers so well, be slapped down into the gutter? From feeling that your respected as an expert, how can one person make you feel like the dumbest human alive? Each day is turning into a bitch slip, and somehow sleep gives me strength to rise up Rocky like but I am now beginning to wonder if I am running out of sequels. 

Even the questions are getting old since no one answers.  Its like looking at a mirror and just talking to yourself, and expecting the reflection to say something different.  But I am just left with silence as usual, just like posting on here.  Even expecting catharsasis by writing has become more an inane ritual.  I write because I can not becuase I want to, and somehow there is a great loss in that.

Myself

Posting Past

Sanjay Sabarwal

Nothing like putting up old pictures, and see the past, and wonder if I could somehow pass the knowledge I have now to the old me sitting there grinning like an idiot.  Its not a very original thought. Come to think of it, not much of what I say or do lately is very unique.  And perhaps its as it should be.  I needed to do some growing up, too long have I stayed in my thoughts instead of actions

Pimping Myself
Pimping Myself

.  Its great to write about plans, things, and ideas, yet I still struggle with action.  Even this is action, and its hard because its admitting that for far too long, I have used words to define myself rather than showing myself how I really am.  I cringe at the fool that shows in the image, but knowing that instead of a disguise, that is the true me if I do not change, if i dont use the past to grow out of that “hat.” 

But it still ends with a smile instead of regret.  I was happy then, and I am getting to happiness now, and I wouldnt change those memories.  I just hope I can always smile away the pain and regret.