Category: Myself

Myself

30 Left To Go Into Acceptance

Sanjay Sabarwal

ecf90ab26b5234f936112a4493282394The morning quiet is only interrupted with the constant patter of the rain outside. This is my alone time, the house asleep, the gentle snore of the dog greets from my a distance.  The mornings get earlier and earlier (currently, I wake up 4:59am automatically almost daily). Surrounded by my collections of books, my planner, the current book I am reading,, it is an appropriate time and place to reflect. Gratitude fills me as Southern California needs the rain, and I think about all that I take for granted in my life. A loving family, a supportive spouse, intimate friendships, and my outrageous vision for my life.

Another year, I am now 45 yet it I don’t feel my age. My father passed at 79 and my grandfather at 89. I figure I have till 75 which leaves me 30 years to live the life I have always wanted. It is no longer a marathon for me as there is so much to do, learn, and experience. Gone are the days of waiting and wishing for a better life or be a better person. It takes work, and I have wasted decades in self-pity, doubt, and lack of self-worth. Being the best version of myself requires honest introspection, dedication, and the willingness to say no to the things that don’t serve my vision.

It also means being honest with others, and not fill myself with judgement about how they are not living the life I think they should be living. I can only control my own thoughts, emotions and actions. So today, on my birthday, I resolve to make acceptance my daily affirmation. It’s going to be a long journey because I am my father’s son, and I see more and more that it takes work to be loving of all not just the ones that make it easy. So here’s to 45 and 2017. Bring it on!

Family, Inpsiration, Myself

Social Silence

Sanjay Sabarwal

untitled1Last few weeks, I am trying something that I have done in the past with great results, but then I go back to it. I deleted all social media apps from my fun, and the relief I felt is hard to describe.  The firehose of negativity suddenly dimmed in my social media life, and I cannot tell you how light and relieved I feel.  That’s not to say I am not going on Facebook, but since its now only desktop based, I check it in the mornings and then am done for the rest of the day. It feels like a controlled fire where it’s manageable, and I am less inclined to feel overwhelmed with the deluge of information and mindless scrolling.

The main benefit is to be stop being annoyed at those who post a lot. That negative conversation has gone from my head. I don’t know if this is avoidance or getting less attached to the phone which because now I only have Words with Friends, and can only look at it so often when there is not social media, no real distraction. The other benefit, less picking up of the phone during conversations with others,  let capturing of activities for others to see how much “fun” I am having. Less ignoring others to look at my phone.

The urge to look at the phone fades, and to interact with others increases. It is not a perfect solution, but it’s one that works for me. The lightness I feel daily is hard to explain except to say that I no longer feel I carry the burden to know everything about others or events. I get to focus on what matters to me for now.  And that’s enough.

My Past, Myself

Emotional Writing

Sanjay Sabarwal

an-opportunity-to-rebuild-yourselfI have been blessed to be part of a great writers critique group (The Long Beach Writer’s Critique Group) that has helped me to want to continue writing.  One small change that I made last year was to submit more often to the group. Initially, I was hesitant because like most writers, I had the fear that my writing was not good enough. Although the feeling has not gone away, the feedback I have received from the group has made my writing exponentially better.

That still has not changed the fact that I am a “pantser” (one who writes without an outline) or, in my case, someone who looks at a blank page and has no idea what is going to come out. So last week, I volunteered to submit a piece, and at first, it started with me describing my brain bleed which then got me to a dear mentors death due to anesthesia which took me to the deeper hole about my stroke then to my jaw surgery in high school and then to my cornea transplant, and suddenly I had pages and pages filled in and I couldn’t take a breath. The words poured out, and what started out as a simple essay about a simple surgery (I thought) suddenly choked me, and I froze.

I have heard about emotional writing, but never experienced it in this manner until now. What seemed easy suddenly became the hardest things as it hit me that there is so much I have not dealt with. So much stuff I just bottled up and treated it as if it was in the past, and then the old quote came up(paraphrased here): “those who do not learn from their past are doomed to repeat it..” So hit me that as much as it hurts, I have to keep writing. If for nothing else, just so I can finally know what emotions are still there.

 

Journal, Myself

Days 1 to 7

Sanjay Sabarwal

downloadIn the whirlwind of first time travels to Dubai and coming back to India after 16 years, I learned a lot about myself, and still continue to do so. Each day as I look around, I see so much possibility in humanity. People’s willingness to do whatever it takes is what struck me in Dubai. It was news to me how many indian lived there to make a living. Several taxi drivers told me Dubai did not refuse Visas to anyone.  All were welcome. Judging from the massive buildings and the amount of people, it made sense to have a big service economy. I am no expert, but what also struck me is how desperate Dubai is to be seen as a tourist destination. Alcohol is a privilege and while other religions exist, pictures of the Sheikh rulers and Islam are quite prominent. It was just different, but I also felt pride at the lengths my people go to take care of their own. Overall, the place felt cold but open.

Then came to India, and I embraced it. The diarrhea, the traffic, the noise pollution, the fearless pedestrians, seeing my relatives and my grandfather’s house. all of it enveloped me and it felt right.  Each day, new things come up and it amazes me our the ingenuity people show. Delhi is a traffic beast, yet one can either embrace it or uselessly shout at it. India teaches me presence, and the idea that once you let it go as to how it is supposed to be and how it is, you cannot help but enjoy it!

MITT, Myself

Silence Within

Sanjay Sabarwal

dwell-in-possibilityLast night, I came back from a weekend workshop with men where I found out for myself that silence is not necessarily bad if it’s filled with energy that moves other people into passion or positive action.  For me, too often, I used silence to avoid, shutdown when all that was needed was acceptance and being open to listening and open possibilities.

Why around men? Because too often, I spent too much time wanting to prove my manhood or that I can hang when rather than be vulnerable and be open. So this weekend with 28 brothers, I learned that it is okay to be myself no matter how it looks like.  In a group, I learned about myself and possibilities.

A journey of self-discovery in the midst of men who supported me to discover areas in my life that I can sculpt to be better and be more significant. A powerful weekend that taught me  I am never alone, and there is always possibility.

So the Silence Within Dwells with possibility and for that I am grateful!

Diet, Myself

Lifestyle Bloat

Sanjay Sabarwal

yo-yo-dietingIt does not take much for things to change. One minute you are on a kick ass trip of working out three times a week and the next you are scarfing down a whole Pizza with a 6 pack of beer. Yup, that’s been me. Here’s the thing. Each time I lose the weight and then gain it back, it gets harder to lose. I know the key terms by heart. Lifestyle change, food preparation, protein intake, etc. Yet again and again I fall off the wagon.

I have the usual excuses: laziness, emotional eating, hungry, “treating myself”, etc, but what’s really going on is me deciding it’s just too hard. I allow my mind to rationalize for me that a few weeks of cheating isn’t a big deal. That what’s the harm. Yet deep inside, there is an insecurity that I will never have that 6 pack that I desired all my life or that I will never be able to do a pull up, or that I am slow and will never good enough so why bother.

Most times, I can squelch that voice, but there are times it beats me. what I have learnt that it’s true victory will be when I just don’t get back up (cue Rocky IV theme music). So I am back it, harder than ever, twice a day for 5 days and down some pounds. More than anything else, I not only feel light on my body, but in my mind.

And that’s what matters.