The long weekend is around the corner and for once not having plans seems like a good reason to follow my passions and not think and do. Just be blank like this post and perhaps fill in later with details. if there are any, that is.
Category: Myself
Life has a sense of humor
Looked up and saw it was 4pm and wondered where the day went, but not exactly a new question as I frequently ask myself where my life went. No, not whining, just amazed at the turns life takes us. In some ways (actually a ton of ways) I have been incredibly lucky. I went from food stamps to owning a house and a great car, to a thriving business, yet I cant believe this is where I am, when at one point, I had 2 jobs, washing dishes and dorm security.
Life has a sense of humour.
A Failed Writing Whore
Each Monday I tell myself, today is the day to start the habit of blogging daily, and each Monday other things exert their power to steer me away. I often wonder if others steer me or it’s me.
When did the would be writer become a self satisfied book reader who now just dreams of writing? When did the fire to change the world, bring something new to the world, and fight for the oppressed turn into a yearning for the newest gadget, fighting to stay in a relationship and wondering if the best days of my life have gone by?
Sigh.
What did I do with my life? is the constant refrain in my head.
What did I do with my life? No answer…
Is Uncertainty a Friend or Foe?
I am not sure when uncertainty became my best friend. Since high school, I have known what I wanted to do. And even when I was confused or slightly off the path, somehow I would get guidance or see where I needed to go either through sheer luck or the loving hands of my family and friends.
Time was I had a future pictured that involved me married with kids, alongside a beautiful woman and a meaningful career of my choice. Lawyer, writer, record label owner, promoter or something inherently unique just needed a quick touch and voila life was complete. And I believed in that until life happened. Actually thats not quite accurate. Nothing happened.
That was the problem, I waited for my birthright of being guided or figuring things out and I woke up to being 38 years old, with no clue what I will tell people at my 20 year high school reunion. Who am I? Now thats a question I just don’t know how to answer.
But you know what I am more determined to figure it out before my 40th because damnit I need to be able to tell my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I have been blessed way more than most yet what I struggle with is this nagging feeling that I could have done so much more and I should do it. What really is stopping me? Uncertainty. Actually specifically my refusal
So each day will begin as my perfect day until it is or isn’t. No uncertainty. Just being, doing and fighting my true enemy of uncertainty.
My Movie Reviews Post: Please Comment
Being forced to stay home for atleast week due to my cornea transplant has led me to a movie watching binge, and while I never back down from watching Never BACK DOWN, I finally got a chance to empty out my netflix queue (who would have thunk it that even that would get stressful?)
I was excited that I could finally rent blu rays as I have become a high definition snob, but was underwhelmed at the lack of selection on the site. After going through all 10 pages of Netlfix selections, I decided upon The Invention of Lying featuring Ricky Gervais (because I heard he was funny), the Brothers Blood (because I have an affinity for Racheal Weisz) and finally 500 days of summer (because I thought it was a racing movie. No idea why.)
I couldnt get through the Invention of Lying because although the premise was intriguing (no one lies in the world and Gervais invents it), it got old pretty fast. I will admit that Preeti’s dazed but determined look to get through the movie with me was inspiting but her declaraion that the movie was “stupid” quickly sealed its fate and led me to not even bother finishing them movie (a rarity since I pride myself on watching through the end no matter what it is).
After a few days of feeling guilty, I finally moved on to The Brothers Bloom but this time I chose (wisely I think) to watch it alone. I love movies. In fact, anyone close to me knows that besides reading, I will watch movies in a second (a recurring complaint from Preeti since that’s all I will watch on cable.
I admit I didnt know that Rachel Weisz was in the movie (if you dont know who she is, google her), but as soon as I saw her on screen playing a rich girl about to be conned by the Bloom Brothers, I knew there was no way in hell I wasnt going to hate this movie. Although a bit long (at less than 2 hours), the concept is that the older brother uses cons to write his younger brothers “unwritten” life. I didnt quite like the whole “mute Asian” sidekick (too old school Jame Bond-ish for me) but I could relate to the theme of deep family bonds and how even when one is rich in material wealth, nothing is as filling as love (sounds a bit hokey I know). Definitely, a movie you can watch with others and get into a discussion about life. I loved the word play and the Bloom Brothers is written extremely well.
So I was on a tear (of sorts) on finishing my queue, and decided what the hell, might as well get the “action” movie out of the way until the beginning told me this is “not a love story,” catching my attention and really just holding on to me till the end while you discuss how someone named Summer really just stole 500 days away from this guy, but fate mattered because in the end, he needed to finish summer so he can finally be with Autumn. I am sure your confused, but I dont want to give away too much except to say this is one you should watch with a significant other. Again, well written, and at some points you will probably hate Summer like I did.
Finally, I got Preeti to sit down (yea, she aint a movie goer), and Law Abiding Citizen with me. Ofcourse, it helped that we kinda ended up watching almost half of it at Hidden Cafe during Hookah, and since we knew nothing about the movie, got totally sucked into staying to watch as much as possible. It’s been almost 2 hours since we watched the movie and although the theme of the movie was straighforward: Dont make deals with murderers, it could kill you, its a bit gory and blunt for almost 2 hours. Gerard Butler and Jamie Fox carry this movie through the end, yet its a bit unbelievable that the avenger is smarter than tthe whole city put together (now, in real life, I KNOW I am smarter than a lot of people), but the warning that your better off killing him since Butler is a human think tank is far fetched but completely believable. A bit preachy near the end but still a good rental (I thought I would buy it, but dont think I would watch it again for a few years).
Phew. I think I will give you some rest tonight from my fake Roger Ebert Ass.
Lucky Sanjay
What is it about a night spent with great friends, awesome food, and a 80s style arcade game that can make one feel that life just isnt that bad? And it isnt. It really isnt. Thats the thought I carried when I drove over to the gym, and then for the next 35 minutes, life just suddenly felt doable, no actually just great!
I dontk know why it took so long for me to get into a rhythm where I just ask myself, what the hell was I so reluctant for? Why did I wait so long to just be happy with myself? Why did I resist going to the gym or even really just reaching out? And for a second there, I was blank (hard to imagine, I know), but then I realized, I was afraid. Afraid of letting down Preeti because we couldnt go the gym, afraid of admitting to friends that today just wasnt that great of a day. To even admit to myself, that I should a lot happier, I have all the toys and the money in the world.
And yet somehow, it just didnt seem like much or perhaps enough.
It hit me then that I wasnt allowing myself to feel rewarded because somewhere in the back of my mind, there was feeling I should still be paying for my past sins, my ego or a mixture of both.
I stopped promising and rewarding myself a long time ago. Instead, I just wandered through a haze of alcohol, gambling, and fighting, never asking myseldf: why the hell was I doing to myself.
But friendship and love didnt give up on me. Together, they decided that this Sanjay isnt the one that they know.
They are right. Thank you friends. And ofcourse and always, Preeti.
I love you both deeply.