Category: Myself

Myself

dream

Sanjay Sabarwal
The UCLA Store
Image by maveric2003 via Flickr

Purposely woke up later even though my body claimed it was far past 8am, yet when I opened my eyes, it was 8:06. Had a bit of rev old from body. Feeling exhausted after writing, feems passion took over the hek]lms for a few days but exhausted me from doing anything else. Not good so I listened to the voices and slept another hour, a restless 60 minutes but still longer than normal. Feeling slightly guilty and devoid of any words. Time passes. Got more sleep but have less words.

Started going through my twitter account, and saw a name from UCLA and suddenly I remembered I had a dream about this person last nigh. He was a heavier than I remembered, outlandish glasses (think from the old movie NERDS) and he was soaking to a classroom while I sat in the corner near the door facing the class. He asked a question, and I raised my hand and everything laughed while an unlit cigarette tried to cover my reddening face.

Hear a bird outsude and watch my dog perk up its ears as hearing a conversation but quiet surrounds us, and no words are formed here or in my life. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, today is my first day back at my house after staying with my parents for 2 weeks and it strikes me that I am much more comfortable there, and more like myself that is why the words come. But I am 38 years old now and really do need to grow up.

Hear an airplane and think to myself, I really do need to clean up around here, and as promised to my girlfriend I would put the hookah away (no more smoking!) and I am well aware that I am digressing, letting the problems of the world take over rather than focusing on the page ahead of me,

Finally, got up and picked up some of the trash as it was bothering me and I realized that the house needs to be in some semblance of lam before I can write. Today, unfortunately was a bust so lets see what tomorrow brings…

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Myself

8:04 am

Sanjay Sabarwal
From http://hypernews.ngdc.noaa.gov
Image via Wikipedia

woke up abruptly with the assignment on my mind, but had the nagging feeling I was dreaming so tried to reconstruct that movie but mind was a blank. Coyldnt remember if I am supposed to write for 30 minutes or just a full page, but for now ignoring that nagging feeling that I am doing all this wrong and for once just letting the fingers do the talking.

Today was an experiment. Had accidently set the alarm for 8am, and everyday its interruoted me. The old me, would have shut it off and just gone back into the murky darkeness but lately I just stay awake and get up and begin my day. Its been tempting to treat this as a holiday but the fat is, I am itching to begin my new role as a writer, for once I am thrilled to actually so something that I want. oh yea, the experiment, turned off the alamr and went to bed around 2. Eyes opening with the mind anticipating being around 11. Nope, 8:04am blinked back at me. Thoughts tried to convince to lie in bed, that I would be too tired to put down any thoughts. That I needed to put my contacts, that I couldn’t handwrite, and I have never really wrote at this time, so I stayed in bed an additional 10 minutes but sleep was gone only the assignment was on my mind, and a guilt that if I didn’t get up today, I would never get up.

Have decided that I will write the first thing in the morning, I have the luxury of setting my own work schedule and if I can maintain this time and pace in the morning, I will do it. I actually feel quite accomplished when I put in the time, and I want that feeling to continue. It confirms for me that I really am ready to make the transition from my daily life to being a writer, yet I am hesitant to share it with my girlfriend or others, because I want to actually have some meat to share with them. Thats a lie actualy, I still don’t feel like a writer like I used to high school. The fact is, in the 4 years that I hae been with my girlfriend, she has a send a handful of pages of my work, and experience some cutsie poetry that I created for her in a rush in order to be super-romantic. She’s heard I am a good writer, and therein lies the problem. Everyone’s heard but no one’s really seen anything,

Pace is slow definitely slower today, but am also glancing at the clock less. A voice is trying to convince me that its already been 30 minutes but just like before I don’t believe her. I have a feeling I will know for sure when the time elapses. Just to comfort that paranoia, I glance up, and I have 5 minutes left but then I begin to wonder why did I think it 30 minutes and so I try to time travel to when I was doing the reading, but I don’t remember any numbers just the admonition to write in the twilight. Perhaps, the 30 minutes came from me, perhaps I don’t trust myself longer than that. Perhaps, I have compromised with my consciousness to only allow 30 minutes to be devoted to my old love, Perhaps, Time….

Myself

My Tools

Sanjay Sabarwal
A hoodie with the University of California, Lo...
Image via Wikipedia

The assignment seemed straight forward enough: describe my writing tools and place you will use to write. No problem. Look at Ipad adoringly, check. Sleek wireless keyboard, check. Brand new ipad stand, check. My 2008 Dell laptop (a bit too dated for my taste but fine as a back up), check. 5 subject UCLA notebook incase I get the inclination to handwrite to the right of me, check. Then realized that I HATE writing unless I have my Montblanc and I remembered, I lost it at the hospital, left blank. Being annoyed that I don’t have a printer (even thought the last time I printed something was over 6 weeks ago), double check. Phew, all needed tools ready. Time elapsed: 60 minutes.

Now where to write. Using the ipad as the writing tool at first seemed a mistake since it severly cut down the places I could place it so I could type my 35 words a minute error filled pace, but the gadget freak in me relished the idea of being 2010 rather than 1990 (the year I graduated high school). Ok so settled down in my parents kitchen and withing 15 minutes realized that wouldn’t work as my dads music room next door keep blasting old indian music while he work on a pet project of his, and made me slightly made me deaf, perhaps to imitate hiis 70 years of being hard of hearing.

So moved upstairs, and although words drifted in from mom’s tv show downstairs intermingled with old bollywood, I manage to create some of my own, one of the first times ever I have written here. Success! or is it?

Decided to go to my house (removed 6 houses away from my parents) and while the calmness of the place soothed me, it really create any need for me to regurtitate anything really creative, Pass on my house for now.

Parents house it is.

Total time elapsed 2 hours.

Myself

Confusion-A New Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal

Confusion has become my best friend. I realized this today as I tried to figure out a to do list for my life and while some things appear quite apparent and perhaps even clear, I scribble away that clarity with more to dos, more “gotta get this done”‘s and suddenly I am back to the uncertain Sanjay, the one I vowed to eliminate.

Yet the glimmer is there, I see myself a different person, the one getting things done the way I want them done, only if I knew what they were, and then it hits me that perhaps its not just confusion, its part laziness and a big dose of fear.

I am scared of making changes in my life because the status quo has been going on for so long. And then I realize the silliness of that and I am struck at my own confusion about what it is that I really want.

I want to eliminate my debt, something I am afraid to admit openly considering how much I make. I know that previous comment witll come as cocky to some but the truth of the matter is, I have silly debt, debt thats holding me back because its from my past and it represents my failings as a better person. I know the uncertainty is there that if I manage to eliminate my debt yet again, I will create another hole.

And there lies the crux of the problem. In the process of cleaning up my life, will I clutter it up again with useless material things and lack of focus?

And thats the question that eats at me while I strive to go the gym, manage my expenses better and prepare to marry the love of my life.

Myself

Taking it Day by Day: A new Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal

Another Monday, another day full of meetings and perhaps monotony. At least that’s how I used to receive the first day of the week and I wont lie, I do still slip into that mode. But lately, the days are going by faster and I feel more in control.

Simple changes like taking a multi-vitamin, going to the gym as well as doing some maintenance work on myself i.e dentist, physical and chiropractor, and I feel more in control, more like myself, more willing to try and bore you with blog posts, more like the Sanjay I wanted to be a decade ago.

Ofcourse, I cant turn back time and although I often wonder what happened to the social Sanjay, the promoter Sanjay, the supposed entertainment mogul, I cant exactly pretend I don’t have an incredible life. I am blessed to have the friends and the family in my life and discovering true love (something that I never thought possible), I do still like to fantasize what it would have been like if things had gone as I imagined. I am sure we all have that fantasy, and the difference between nostalgia and delusion becomes clear to me.

I could go on regretting the choices I made or didn’t make or I could sit on this beautiful day and realize that I am blessed and I don’t have to dread Mondays like others because I am at the peak of my success.

Sure, there is still some gold left that I didn’t get to and thats being a husband and father, and I hope that in a few years I can write a blog post reminiscing about being single.

I just have to remember to take it day by day.

Brownness, Myself

Feeling like myself: A new blog post

Sanjay Sabarwal

After many false starts and 2 liner blog posts, I finally find myself clear and calm enough to want to try and throw some words at this blank page and see if they stick. No more hesitation before plunging on the keyboard, no more wondering if I really have anything to say or just pretending so I can fill up the space in my heart and life. Yet for once, the blankness isnt there, the feeling that I am wasting my time isnt there, for once there is peace and knowing that I am getting somewhere and for now thats enough.

I dont know where I will end up but I know I am moving forward, no more dwelling on the past, no more I wish I coulds, now I am focusing on myself and for once making myself happy instead of others, and you know what, I now know that when I am happy, making others smile just isnt that difficult anymore.

Who would have thunk it? More to follow soon, I promise not you but myself.

Only then I can keep moving, grooving and feeling like I can take on this world. The answer was there, within me but I buried it between questions and despair, not giving myself a chance. No more. My time has come.