Myself – Page 27 – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Swirling Thoughts

October 26, 2010December 4, 2010 Sanjay Sabarwal

i hope they serve beer in hell — Image by kangarootone via Flickr

1) Remember grabbing KFC in Iran as a weekly ritual and going to the park (5ys)
2) first day in boarding school in India, I had peed the bed and was ashamed (8yrs old)
3) arriving in london to stay with relatives with my oldest sister (10 years old)
4) driving from the airport towards my parents after not seeing them (12 years old)
5) Being humiliated in my 7th grade english class because the teacher felt my English speaking skills werent up to par, and her being unsure if I would pass the class.
6) Getting on the volleyball team and realizing I was a bench player, getting subbed in and my only shot was tipping the ball in and scoring for the team (14 years old)
7) remembering that I followed Sumita (my middle sister) into almost everything she signed up for writing class, student congress, human relations camp, india boarding school
8) Returning to india after receiving green card, and seeing my grandfather for the last time before he passed away (18 years)
9) my first published story “Rain Fire” edited by a dear family friend who recently passed
10) Winning the National Conference of Teachers of English award (included a recommendation from the English teacher who didn’t think I would pass.

I remember being empty. Time ticking away, coffee getting cold and me just empty. It’s as if I had no memories, no past. And then I remembered the no. Mrs. Maruna didn’t think I would ever pass 8th grade English class. I looked up into her unsmiling face, looking for understanding. Nothing. The redness of my shame circled around my cheeks but hidden by the browness of my skin, it just squeezed my heart and soul.

I was single, young, and horny. We chatted online for a few minutes, and after a few sexual innuendos, decided to take our activities offline and meet up. I am ashamed now at my sluttiness, and willingness to meet a complete stranger just to satisfy myself but really not that ashamed to be zooming down on the freeway to meet her at 3am. She had left the door open as we had discussed. In hindsight, it made sense why she did. I shoved the door open, immediately banged my leg on the bed, and to hide the pain told her I needed to take a shower. Perhaps my only concern for safety was to be hygienic. She was already in bed when I walked out. I climbed right in, but couldn’t quite get comfortable. I kept moving around until she asked if her leg was bothering me? Huh? “I said, is my leg bothering you?” removing the blanket to reveal a steel leg. Holy shit, I was about to fuck the terminator. My penis tried to hide inside of me. The meanness in me proved my immaturity and explained why I never again tried to hook up online.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max

That was the inspiration for my post about my online adventure gone wrong, and while I wasnt as bad as Tucker is in his many “misadventures” with women in college, I think I came quite close to being Tucker with my comment that I was about to fuck the terminator. The sad part is that I had done a much longer graphic post mocking the girl and myself, and really made it my “Zinger” story. I usually told it to a group of new people, and usually it would draw huge laughter, but then I realized it didn’t make me look very good to my girlfriend to be. In fact, she was disgusted not at the fact that the girl had 1 leg, but the fact that others laughed so hard. That was probably the first time I realized what an asshole I came off to be. Sure, once people got to know me, they knew different. However, my choice to share this story as a starting off point really just made me another Max Tucker. And that’s not something I wished my legacy to be standing on. Especially on one leg. Yea, I havent matured much.

The Tucker Max Asshole Allegation Roundup [Rumormonger] (gawker.com)

My Past, Myself

I Remember

October 18, 2010December 4, 2010 Sanjay Sabarwal

I remember knowing that I would be a success one day. I remember that success coming from writing and also from reading. I remember the confidence I had that the words coming out of my made absolute sense and were contributing to the welfare of society The sense that what I wrote mattered, that I would a writer of consequence. Instead of small burst of letters and barely thought of words, I would produce stories of vivid imagination and longing.

I remember my first computer, and being the first among many junior high schoolers to get one, and promising them I would make them a spanish book for $20 a piece and getting $200 from 10 of the honor students and then realizing that I wouldn’t have the time to make or print out individual copies, I went to Kinkos and made 9 copies then submitted the folders.

Mrs. Cano liked what she saw. Neatly printed out, well put together and everything in Spanish, this was what she expected from her best students A great template for others and so the first folder received an A. She then moved onto the next one, and marked it down for missing pages and lack of imagination, then after several others she saw something familiar, almost like a template and it struck her that this was the same folder as the first. Perhaps, it was a reprint by the same student. A quick look confirmed that the notebook had different names, so she pulled it out of the stack and put it aside to deal with later. But then the next folder was the same, and Mrs Cano knew this couldn’t be a coincidence, and did a quick scan through and found 7 more identical folders, but the surprising part was the fact all the names belonged to honor students. What was going on?

I couldn’t decide what to do with the $200 that was cradled under my mattress, It was the most money I had ever earned, and although I was proud of my accomplishment, I knew I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t believe how easy it had been but I had small flutter in my conscience that I would get caught but I ignored that small voice, convincing myself that nothing would go wrong.

My Past, Myself

Leaving

October 18, 2010December 4, 2010 Sanjay Sabarwal

The idea seemed simple enough. Got a new BMW, Drive to New York. Got a map, and my eyes glanced over the country and I wondered why just New York…

A Recently broken up fake marriage, lied to for almost 4 years, I wanted to get away from LA fast but no so fast that I didn’t experience anything. Why drive? Simple enough answer: Why not? Nothing was stopping me but honestly I wasn’t sure myself. It just seemed to fit and make sense since not much else in my life really did I think I just wanted an adventure. I felt locked up and had been indoors too long. Behind bars of a loveless and sexless marriage, I no longer wanted to do the normal thing of travel by flying. Truth be told, I didn’t even know what normal was.

I met her when I had just turned a quarter of a century, felt like my gas tank was quarter full of experience, and it would be good to share 75% of my life with the company of another. She was, pretty, Punjabi and in school. She filled out the mold I had set in my head and so we began dating. No sex of course, but we are indian and we don’t do those sort of things. Some sexual foreplay and plenty of time with each others’ families well actually more with hers because she lived an hour away and me being a gentleman, I didn’t want to make her drive so I would go visit her and since she lived at home with he parents (as I did), I thought it appropriate to be the designated driver to her life. A mistake I would pay for the rest of my life.

San Francisco was added for obvious reasons since it hovered about us, and it made sense to pass it as a launch point also because we wanted to touch Utah (for skiing), glance over Wyoming, set up briefly for some steaks in Nebraska (had heard they were famous for them), and then plunge through Iowa to finally get to a city and state where we actually had friends: Chicago, Illinois. After getting our breath back by shoving it with Crown Royal for 3 days, we would then stumble onwards to Cleveland (for a Bhangra competition) and then finally make it to our original destination of New York. However, the thought of going back the same way we came smacked too much like my demolished nuptials so we planned to forge ahead to see the Niagara Falls on the side of Michigan (something I wasn’t aware of until we opened the map and talk to the Triple A agent), gently stop in Michigan and then open ourselves to Lexington Kentucky, a town I called Blue Balls instead of Blue Grass because thats exactly what I had for the year that I spent there. The pattern of our visitations become as vague as our reasonings for going there, we just wanted to keep going, my cousin never questioning or wondering why the hell we want to go anywhere really. The next states happened in a successiong, Atlanta and then Florida (the first place where I was to meet a girl and perhaps no longer be blue balled, and then for some fine dining in New Orleans, Louisana. Finally, we would hit the biggest state in the nation and it would take us 2 full days to cross it so our stops became Houston and San Antonia, and we hop onwards to Phoenix and Tuscon and finally return to Los Angeles, a mere 3 weeks after we began.

The plan seemed sane enough. To be continued…

Myself, Writing

October 17, 2010

October 17, 2010October 17, 2010 Sanjay Sabarwal

Woke up, put my one contact one, opened up my blog, and began writing. No hesitation, no distractions, just me and the words. Small hesitation on what topic to begin, my trip around US or the leaving topic mentioned by Goldberg (I had chosen leaving) and then decided to combine both in a just a second. House was quiet and so was my mind, just the fingers decided for me. Thought alternating paragraphs made sense and then it hit me that I went on my trip few weeks after breaking off my marriage and that was the main reason I went on this trip.

Next hard part was remembering all the places I went so hands started to hesitate and the words slowed but then I called my cousins and a brief conversation added more detail and I realized I need to sit with him and remap the journey, his memory was definitely better memory (considered he had a brain tumor that’s pretty telling).

Although I woke up quite late, i didn’t know this till I finished past the house, I was surprised but thee were a few things that helped. While writing, I started the kettle, made me some coffee, turned on some religious music (meditation type) and for a while I was lost in my thoughts on paper. It has been years since I reached that stage.

Its decided, whenever I wake and before bed I will write, regardless of the time. Ideal is 8am and 10 pm but even i miss those deadlines, I will still write.

Mainly edited what I wrote in the morning, around 10 pm, took an hour but also managed to add 200 more words so perhaps I shall be writing in the morning and editing at night.

Myself

Friday, October 17

October 15, 2010December 4, 2010 Sanjay Sabarwal

For once, I jumoed out of bed. No resistance. No complaints. I thought I would be tired but although I was slightly groggy, I managed to drag myself to the other room.

I had gone to bed with ideas swirling through my head, and was actually looking forward to write (a new strange anticipation).

Sat down. Nothing. Saw the clock, promised myself 30 minutes. Tapped out a few words, deleted, tapped few more, deleted some more, tapped few more, glanced at the word count and was dismayed to see a 59 word count and 10 minutes elapsed.

I realized, I was trying to force the words because I want my first work to be about Ziba, but the start is the same. My mom and 2 sisters started Ziba beauty in Little India with a 500 square foot box of a store and a $2000 credit card. I get caught up in describing the initial scene and then nothing. I have to admit to myself that I need a new setting because I have used the same one for so long, it doesn’t even seem real to me.

Worse, my writing time went down. Glanced at clock every 2 minus and instead of 30 minutes, barely managed 15 minutes and compromised by adding another 15 minutes doing this journal.

Still unsure as when I will do the next time. My instinct says to do it twice a day. Once I wake up and once before going to bed, but I suspect that its being vague in order to avoid committing so for now I will commit to myself to write twice a day. Just gotta commit.

Myself

Legendary Acting

October 13, 2010December 4, 2010 Sanjay Sabarwal

I don’t know what keeps me in bed nowadays. Today, I woke up at 7am and instinctively I was like oh hell no, and tried to get back on the dream train, but I had missed the stop. Instead, last nights movie (legendary starring John Cena, yes the wrestling star) played a trailer in my head, and I realized that not many people knew I wrestled in high school. Only for 1 year and I lost every single match, which led me down the path that I also played junior high volleyball but I was on the Junior Varsity team. I had the urge to be part of team sports and had dredged up enough athletic ability to actually make the team but not enough talent to be any sort of meaningful contributor.

There was a particular wrestling match, I remember. I had lost 7 matches, and I was pitted against someone who had 8, had in fact not won any in 2 years (found this out later), and we went the full time and I lost by a decision by 2 points. My closest defeat was to someone who had never won. Telling in some ways of my life for the things I want.

I woke up today and I realized that I want to be married and have kids already. I am 38 years old and divorced, a broken engagement and currently in a 3 plus year relationship to a truly beautiful girl, and I am starting to feel like the old wrestling me. Yet, there was a moment in the movie where at the end, the main character goes against someone 26-0 and manages to lose by 1 point in a decision. Yet the defeat was met with cheers and hugs from the audience because the long-lost brother was the coach who happened to be a wrestling superstar.

Right now, I feel like the lil brother, and my family as the superstar, and preeti my match to lose yet still win in life. A fact that has become more important every day after my recent stroke which made me realize, I don’t want my current life anytime, I want the one I have been dreaming about. Perhaps that’s why my body wont let me sleep anymore. Its’s time to stop dreaming and start acting.

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