I am struggling with who I am, who I want to be and I am nearly 40. That’s the latest mantra in my mind. My desire to be a writer, to be a lawyer, to be truly great at something is getting lost somewhere in the shuffle because I refuse to do the day-to-day. I rather indulge in fantasies like winning a Trillion dollars (who does that?) than sitting my butt down and creating something new. It’s easier to dream and imagine but so much more difficult to create (except for tension).
by Jemal Yarbrough
So I approach being 39 with some dread because I have to answer to myself. I happen to find a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 40 and was disappointed to see that I had managed only 5 out of 50, but then it hit me that the others did not matter to me as much. I need new goals, new things to achieve. Actually, that is a lie, I only have one goal now: to be a published writer. Too often, I have made excuses, too often have I blamed others, too often I sit at this desk and write about wanting to write but then write nothing of value. Too often, and so instead of a new years resolution, I made a birthday one: WRITE.
No matter what. Write. Write lists, write journal, write morning pages, write something, anything. Just keep that pen moving (well in my case fingers over the keyboard). I can’t help feeling like Bruce Lee in Enter The Dragon during the mirror sequence. I am surrounded by versions of myself but each of me partially hidden by my image while I look for the elusive antagonist (in this case, The Writer). And with a loud Kiyaaahh, I shall break those mirrors, break what’s holding me back, break into a new kind of Bruce Lee, the kind that kicks ass with words rather than kicks.
Yesterday was an amazing day. Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself. It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together. The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here! Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together. The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several. There was my mother in well as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others. Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .
I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others. No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go). I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me. In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry. To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing. It really isn’t about them. It’s about me. I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly. In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it. Ok, I almost said that with a straight face. No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing. So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more. After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up. I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well. As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone. I have others I can trust with my life including my new family. And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.
When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past. I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain. Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are? We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.
Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help. I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no. I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity. I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch. An emotionally unstable whiner. A loner. I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are. So yes I am a bitch. I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character. Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).
I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people. I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well. I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Except for me as well, duh! Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂
Warning! Whining dead ahead, please delete page before the debris of self-loathing, regret, and petty annoyances ruin your day and eyesight!!
Lately, I don’t know if I even know myself. Small things I used to ignore or not even let me enter my consciousness now grind away loudly in my head, and I feel as if some are there just to purposefully make our lives more miserable. I keep trying to forgive, to ignore to live day by day yet I feel so full of emotion that I manage to puke up small hissy fits or too sharp retorts to people who just happen to be in my eyesight..
Between her bouts of nausea, pill giving, constant asking if she’s ok, I have lost sense of who I am and what makes me tick. Gone is the schedule to write, to read, to sustain myself, and I realize I need to get back to basics as I completely alienate myself from everyone. I seem to have just become reactive and living emotion to emotion, and that doesn’t quite make me a pleasant person to be around especially if you are her best friend or my new brother-in-law.
Yet there is more to this than me being just self-pitying In all of this, is the cry of my love language: acknowledgement. I come from a family where we are quick to appreciate and recognize what we do for each other, yet I am with someone who is heading to possible depression as she copes with a disease that has stolen away so much of her energy and heart. We sit apart across a gulf of resentment, and self-pity, and while I call out to her, I seem to be just by myself, destined to wallow in a shallow pool of self-hatred and guilt. Our friends are trying to help yet are some too young, some too selfish and some just indifferent. Then there is the special category of people who seem to be waiting for for me to beg for forgiveness and all I can say is that they will be waiting a long time. Finally, there is the extra special category of self-important people who for one reason or another are not reaching out because they are “hurt” by my sentiments. To them, I say a big fuck you and please get out of my life. I pity myself for being dumb enough to be friends with them in the first place.
I also know that two simple words from her could change all of this. Two small words that if I heard occasionally or perhaps in the form of a card, a poem, a line or just an intimate moment. Two words that would make the day just go faster and more worthwhile instead of the constant and steady silence in our room and house. Two words that could cleanse away this wall of resentment between us. Two words from her that could make me feel like a husband rather than just a caretaker. Two words that could ease the heaviness in my heart and dampen my reactive nature. Two words that would make the 3 years of hell we had prior to her illness fade into black. Two words that would mute my hurt and anger at the world and those close to us because I am lashing out blindly. Two words: Thank You. Just that. Thank you. I do not need anything else. Those are the words that will sound proof me from my constant doubt, worry and self-hate.
Thank you for reading. Thank you Lord for never leaving me alone. Thank you Family for always being there are at my lowest moments and just bringing me up with your presence. Thank you ex-friends for teaching me the value of friendship and finally thank you to the ones who selflessly come out of the wood works and shown the true measure of caring.
Today was one of those days where nothing made sense, and everyone seemed to be at blame. I was unhappy with many, and it seemed that many close to her were taking her chemotherapy for granted. I was angry, yet I knew what was driving this emotion: fear. My fear, to be precise. In my effort to control the uncontrollable, I got lost in the blame game. It seemed easier to be angry than to face the glaring truth: I am run down, overwhelmed, and just plain tired. Plus, I can no longer ignore the twinges in my throat that foretell a major cold: something she cannot absolutely not be around.
And so I fumed, angry at the world and especially annoyed by others carrying on with their day when I know no peace and neither does she. Therein lies the problem: I made my pain above hers, and just felt truly alone. Between the countless hours of worrying, and wondering what the coming day will consist of, I lost sight of the one person truly living with this. It’s easy as hell to be mad at her family for not being around, but hard to acknowledge that I am failing her in some key ways: mainly in emotional arena. It’s hard because I am not at peace anytime and unable to get to do the things I need to fulfill myself. I am drawing empty, I do not know what to do.
So I get angry, and blame and try to numb myself by borrowing an hour to go to the Hidden cafe. It’s not enough because deep down, I know I am not doing myself any favors by blowing smoke, and that the real break for me is to be around my friends and family, read and write as much as I can. I do not know how to reach out because I have been let down by a few, and due to this foolish pride of mine, I sit here alone in the other room unable to sustain my wife in any meaningful way. I see it and know that I need to be better, and can be better. I just have to step away from the ones that aggravate me, quit blaming others, be vulnerable, love myself, be kind to my soul, and love her with all my soul.
So although the day went nowhere fast, and I fight this cold, I know one truth: we are halfway through and at the end of the day, that is all that matters. I am thankful for what I have, no for what we have, and have faith that things will get better. Today ended with me realizing that I need help, and it may not come from the ones I expect. And that’s ok. Friends and people will fail and let me down, and I will too, and that’s ok. I am only human.
So I received a wonderful email from a friend whose words struck a chord with me. I won’t embarrass her by saying who it is but will put up the excerpt. It truly is great advice and one that I plan to try and implement in my life. It amazes me how help and great words come from unexpected sources. The people I assumed would be the main support of my life now have reinforcements and ,in some ways, outpaced by people I haven’t talked to in year. I am truly blessed and humbled to have so many come forward and be in my life, and for that I do not think I can thank God or these people enough.
I will let the excerpt complete this post because it truly does, and I hope whoever reads it gets what it’s trying to do:
I have been wanting to say a few things to you after reading your post. Like you have been told by others, I think you are being too hard on yourself. We never see it ourselves so its natural that people in our lives point it out to us. If you think striving for perfection is going to fix all, then you can definitely try…but remember there is no such thing. So is striving for something that does not exist worth the consequences of your efforts.
If you want to strive for something, then strive to live each moment with what feels right to you. When you are down on yourself, you judge, degrade, negate, scold, demoralize yourself. These negative actions cause more negative thoughts and spread like poison in your system. Stop and realize that if you have negativity inside you, what is coming out to the people around you?
If you are asking “What do I do then?” Well of course that is up to you. If you want to create more positivity around you, it has to start with you. Use your power of making a choice to choose and create more positive thoughts. Here are a few things you might want to try if you aren’t already…
print out positive affirmations and put them in places where you will see them at least once a day. Here are some affirmation from Louise Hay (She use to have cancer and developed affirmations to be more positive)
-“All is well. Out of this experience, only good will come. Everything is working out for
my highest good. I am safe.”
-“I am divinely protected and guided.”
-“I release the past and allow love to find me. I attract healthy, loving relationships.”
-Play classical music in the background. Here are some Baroque composers. Its said that since playing music from this time period is more stimulating because it was composed in a time of richness and abundance.
-Johann Sebastian Bach
-Antonio Vivaldi
-George Frideric Handel
-At night before you guys go to bed, tell each other at least 3 things you are both thankful for that day.
-Don’t criticize yourself or others.
-Surround yourselves with positive people.
-Respond to your emotions, don’t just react to them.
I am sure you are both overwhelmed with so much coming your way. Don’t feel you have to do what others are saying…find your own ways, your own peace. Learn to discover what is love and peace to the both of you and build a life together on that.
It took me quite a while to start writing today namely because my eyes kept wandering over to other sites (flickr/install new mac updates/Mac App stores) and thoughts (I really need to finish watching the Justice League of America Season 2/I need to get a physical/why isn’t my Apple TV synching to the Macbook). It was as I was starved for intellectual stimulation or perhaps because I knew I was already behind on my post a day self-promise. Yet somehow, it does not sting as much as I thought because I an constantly thinking of writing. However, there is the 900 pound gorilla in the room: what to write about. As much as blogging is satisfying in that I get to vent, I know I haven’t gotten to the real task: to writing original content. That’s a new problem because in high school, I stumbled onto short story writing, at UCLA personal columns, and now blogging. It appears I cannot write unless there is a significant part of me invested into the words, and that’s a bit scary and troubling at the same time because I truly believe if you are a writer, you should be able to write in just about any genre and so with that in mind I am going to attempt to write my first short story in years.
I haven’t decided if I am going to post as I write or when it’ complete, but I know the progress will be noted in my writer’s group (the first such group I ever have joined), and perhaps as a testament to the seriousness of my writing when I start my Writer’s Studio seminar at UCLA. Either way, I know I need to do more than just whine on here or talk about her friends or my feelings. I need to produce so I can finally make the transition from would be writer to actually being one.
