Category: Myself

Myself

A New Mission: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
photo
 You ever feel like this priest, braving the world whipping around and the only thing holding you steady is your vision?  Or perhaps to you he seems like he has already given up, to others lost and perhaps to some, indifferent.  My point is simple, we are who we perceive ourselves to be.  Lately, I have had to made adjustments or (perhaps some would say corrections) to the things that I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed with.  Too often, I have gotten involved in other’s lives, whether they asked to or not and realized that I am unwanted.  In my quest to be all holy, I forgot one key things: let others live.
I have allowed too many small things to crowd my heart and soul when I already know what makes me happy (family, Preeti, working out, working, reading and friends).  If I just concentrate on just that, I have a plate full of memories and loving people.  If I constantly bitch and whine about others not responding, it is perhaps that I have created a barrier that will only heal with time.  I have to let things be and focus on who I want to be.  Realizing just that has eased so much of my tension that I now really wish to just focus on the ones close to me.  Of course, I define who those are, and while some relationships and friendships are natural, there are others created due to obligation and some because of distance.  Each deserves attention but mostly each needs its own space.  Not all friendships are meant to be combined, especially when their from key periods in your life that only you have experienced.
So now that I have allowed myself that space, I can truly enjoy the people in my life, albeit some from afar (as it should be) and some ignored (to save my sanity) while the rest growing into (hopefully) life long relationships.
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Brownness, Myself

Reboot

Sanjay Sabarwal

I am writing blind the words invisible to me for some reason so that each word I have to second guess as to what I am really writing. It kinda feels like the recent arguments I have had and while I am yelling, nothing is being heard by the other side as if I am on mute. In a matter of minutes, I have undone all the work I had put into breathing, acknowledgement and letting go. It’s as if I cannot let go of anything. This last argument being the worst and the epitome of how much further I really have to. Actually, let’s be honest, I have to start over. I am man enough to admit when I am of course, but what’s made worse is the damage I have already inflicted on some.

It’s killing me to have to apologize to so many in such a short time, I managed to show myself to be a complete and utter dick, when in reality I just feel alone, a fact underscored by the fact that I haven’t been able to let go of some fundamental issues surrounding some of the relationships in my life. For once, I have no answer, nowhere to go, stuck in a hole dug by my big mouth and flashy anger, wondering just wondering what the fuck happened? Where did I go so wrong, the thought that I am almost 40 ringing in my head, and so much to get done but instead sitting alone utterly feeling alone, barely able to breathe out the unfairness of it all. Where did it all go wrong?

So I take stock today (alone as usual), muster up the strength to dust off The Life Guide and The Road Less Travelled, and resign myself to the fact that I have to reboot. I have not forgotten Pema Chodron but I am a bit ashamed as to how quickly I forgot her clear lessons. So yes, that book also gets a re-read as I re-assess myself and try to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. I cannot help be better and angry at myself as well at life that I have to start over again, but I am determined.

Determined to learn spanish, determined to be in the best shape of my life, determined to contribute at work, determined to be a better husband, and most of determined to not let it all overwhelm me in a tsunami of emotion. I will be better because I know I can be. I also now realize there are some threads from my past and currently life that need to be dealt with if there is any real hope of chance. It’s time I faced what needs to be fixed rather than constantly blowing up at inconsequential events. \

I wish I could reboot everything that started out wrongly because now I am faced with the prospect of begging for forgiveness for feeling uncared and unloved. Ok said it all. Deep Breath. Reboot..

Brownness, Myself

Chutzpah

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

Riffing along in my thoughts as I rushed to get to my counselor last week,  I realized I often played a strange mental game with myself.  Each week, I leave around 8am with the goal of being there at 9am.   Most times I leave it to the whim of the navigation to get me there.  Then it struck me that invariably the machine would tell me take an exit at a street (never the same street twice) and by some miracle get me there at 8:59am. I realized the path with navigation was like my life where I trusted others to guide me and suddenly grew up but just barely. So last week, I gave up the navigation and just took the way I knew and guess what I got there at :8:59.  No need for exits, and shortcuts or turning onto random corners.  I just trusted myself and  the result was the same. No more frustration or lack of knowing if I would get there on time or worse the sinking feeling that I was utterly dependent on someone who knew but didn’t care to tell me how.

So no big news there, I can do things, but often I do not.  As my therapist mentioned, I lack Chutzpah, that bit of nerviness with others close to me where I can say listen I know your methods are different perhaps even better, but I prefer to do it my way. I admitted to him that I felt like I could not make certain decisions because of the strong opinions or some or worse because of their lack of organization. Instead, I was left stewing in my frustration and wondering what the hell I had done to be so lacking in will power.  Sure, I was breathing and being mindful but I had gone to the other extreme of letting some run over my life and affect personal decisions that frankly were no one’s business except mine and my significant others.  I am like the lone boat in the marina, pushed ahead with the tides of strong personalities, unwilling and worse filling so up with anger and frustration that spewed onto the wrong person.

I have made so much progress in my life but now I also new additions in my life and feel like in some way have to start over.  That’s ok, that’s life but the difficulty is knowing when to speak up and when to shut up and let others live their life the way to want to.  I guess, the same way I want to be treated by others…

Myself

Alone

Sanjay Sabarwal
Cover of "Conversational Spanish (Living ...
Cover via Amazon

Today, I hit 204 pounds, only 14 pounds away from my idea goal.  I am also on Lesson 4 of Pimsleur’s guide to Spanish. almost halfway through beginning conversational Spanish.  Today was also the last day for my online UCLA class of Bringing Characters to Life. To top of all this, we have finally begun discussion on wedding dates. I should feel satisfied but I am not as it hit me that a lot of what I am doing is being done alone.  I have failed to share my passions and victories with the ones I love but worst of all, it does not appear that it matters to them.  I am lonely but motivated.  Sad but looking forward to life ahead.  Angry because I am suffocating with frustrations and old hurts

I know I probably exaggerating but I can’t seem to let go of that feeling, and thus I am still blowing up over absolutely trivial things. I also know that there are some I should avoid, some I should handle gingerly, some with love but most of all some with caution as whatever comes out of my mind, seems to end up on their plate.  I have no privacy or at least it feels like it but more than anything else I just cannot believe how I have treated some who are dear to me especially her.  I owe her more than an apology, I owe her my life.

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Myself

The Gossip

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lowest Common Denominator

So admit, lately I have fallen into the trap of judging people almost instantly and what’s worse they are people who were once close to me or near me physically.  I realize now that a struggle it is to remember to just breathe and start the day blank instead of being pummeled by a 100 thoughts of what I need to get done.  As I read and write more, get more enjoyment from the simple moments of life, I see now that I have to make an effort to stay present, connected with what I am feeling but not be overwhelmed by it. It’s a struggle not to speak in frustration and anger.  While the need to be firm is important, I easily dive into anger a bit too quickly.

Moreover, the worst is the recent gossiping I have begun to do, putting down people for minor (at least in the long run) and trivial things that did not matter to me before.  Part of the problem of being in a close group that shares information is that the littlest things get transmitted instantly and the reaction even quicker.  I see now that I am contributing as much to the problem as others, and the only I can hold responsible is myself.

Yet I ask what it is that is making me behave this way?  What makes me put down some people trivial things, and others that I no longer begrudge the benefit of the doubt.  I just assume that lowest common denominator about them, yet it is I who is lacking in basic civility.  Now it would be easy to confront some or speak my mind to others, yet the real problem is myself.  I do not know how to speak bluntly but without emotion.  I somehow manage to sound irritated, petty, annoyed, all at the same time.  The eloquence I think I have seems to abandon me at the crucial moments, and I see what I need to work on.

Recently, I have begun to get agitated at some for not following through for something that seems quite obvious to me in order to better their lives.  But I know it’s not up to me how people choose to live their lives or make their decisions.  I must remember that we each live our own moments, through our own ideals, right or wrong.  All I can really do is to stop gossiping about it.  I cringe as I see that word in print.

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Myself

Slippery Slope

Sanjay Sabarwal
Cover of "Getting Things Done: The Art of...
Cover via Amazon

It’s a slippery slope some times to get back to an old life with new promises and ideals when more than anything else, I want to avoid some things that were not good.  Before getting sick, I was unmotivated, unorganized, stuck in a daily battle of some sort or another.  Back in the reins of work, I realize that just have a to do list is meaningless when the list is not producing, it’s just a list of things meant to fill up the day. ((Taken from Getting Things Done by David Allen)

I realize now that it takes work getting organized, and getting the most out of my routine.  No longer am I bored, but I have to be careful not get overwhelmed and there are so many things I want to achieve.  From the one to one class, to the ADP training to doing more in HR, I know I have lots to learn but more so than that to DO.  The learning part is almost easy and even fun, but it’s the implementation that’s tough. I am still in that mode of surface satisfaction rather than the deeper dive into getting better.

I keep forgetting to breath, to let go, to not get lost in anger (she can attest to that) or lost in the details of accumulating details and tasks and asking myself where is it that I wish to end up?  That’s the real question, the only question really.  So I need to keep climbing that slope knowing that some days I will slip back into the mud but other days, I will be free.