Category: Myself

Brownness, Journal, Myself, Random, Writing

Indian

Sanjay Sabarwal
shalimar the clown
shalimar the clown (Photo credit: dltq)

 

Cover of "Bombay Time: A Novel"
Cover of Bombay Time: A Novel

 

Cover of "Junglee Girl"
Cover of Junglee Girl

 

 

I still cannot believe the words that come up on this screen.  My cup of tea steams, waiting for me to drink it down.  The dog watching my every move, believing any second now I will take her for walk.  The quietness of the morning, interrupted only by rare passing cars or the random barks of dogs who think they can take on the cars, seems loud.  The hardness of the chair I am sitting on, digging into my butt deeper and deeper as if looking for something inside me, makes me realize how much effort it takes to put on these tiny words onto this screen.

 

The remnants of a dream come to me just now. An old couple I am visiting insist I take the 2 books I was admiring in their library. I don’t know who they are, but I confidently tell them to feel free to come borrow anything from mine. I also brag that mine is bigger (Freud anyone).  At that, I look around and see what I have.  There’s Bharati Mukherjee‘s The Holder of the World right next to by Bombay Time by Thrity Umrigar.  Then there is Junglee Girl by Ginu Kamani, overwhelming Love from Punjab by someone named Dhillon. My Indian collection is a source of pride for me.  I used to visit the book store, and look for any Indian authors because I believed it was important to have them in my library.  I don’t know when my enthusiasm waned, or when I stopped buying any books.  Perhaps it happened when I realized that I had more more than I could possibly read in 6 months or maybe it came when I look at the titles, and most of their stories don’t come to me.  Lately, my memory is not what it used to be.  It is a fact that I am painfully aware of, and makes me want to reread all the books in my library especially the Indian ones.  Salman Rushdie‘s Shalimar the Clown beckons me, and does the anthology Our Feet Walk the Sky. But then I realize it’s not just about the Indians, it’s about all the words that surround me.  They all are staring at me, almost wishing for me to create my own. Silence…

 

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Family, Myself

Thank you!

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today, I drove in silence from Artesia to Torrance because the cacophony in my head just wouldn’t allow for any outside noise?  A sample:  When should I do www.lumosity.com and www.babbel.com? When should I edit my final essay for UCLA Extension writing class? What should we do this week (I really want to take my wife somewhere nice, new and romantic)?  How can I save more money?  Why won’t XYZ take my advice, and on and on the noise went until I realized that this internal dialogue I was having was only making me feel inadequate.  As much as I want to accomplish more in my life, and be better for the ones around me. I have to take pause and congratulate myself for the things I do accomplish. Take today for example. I had a friend call me and thank for me supporting him while he was unemployed. Now he had a job.  That’s a real cause for celebration, and shows that people do care.

I had another friend whose mom passed away from cancer. He was with her when she took her last breath.  I cannot love this guy enough for his selflessness, and the genuine love he showed me recently when I was in the hospital.  In fact, his entire family has shown me nothing but kindness, and love.  I will never forget that. So I took a moment to thank both these friends for being in my life.  And then I was blessed with a best friend who not only listens to me whine and complain, but also keeps giving me solid advice  (which I normally fail to take)IMG_0368.  Finally. I have a dear friend whose wonderful father is fighting (and I know beating) pancreatic cancer.  So what’s my point in all this?  That instead of all the random worries I have, I need to take a moment and appreciate and thank for who and what I have in my life.  It’s easy enough to say, but quite hard to do, so today I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have done so much for me.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

 

Myself, Random, Writing

Prison

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: Writing «Shit_happens»
English: Writing «Shit_happens» (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Words escape me.  I am like the prison where I can’t hold them captive.  Instead, I am constantly on a state-wide hunt to be able to say something.  Yet, I know that’s not true exactly either. I hold one big prisoner: Fear.  And in the interrogation room, I question FAITH and BELIEF.  I don’t know if I have the actual ability to write more than a few pithy blog posts, and maybe by some luck, a short story.  So I sit here on this hard chair in my library surrounded by words of others, waiting for inspiration. But if I am being honest, maybe I am just praying for talent, or maybe I am asking someone out there to get me started.

Either way. I sit here yet again posting about not writing, but hey that’s considered writing, right?  What is it they say, if you want to write, write!  So here I am pushing out words like dry turds, hoping that at some point I can make real shit. OKDOGA, maybe not shit shit, but more like something that is more than just empty words.  Yet, I also know that’s not what the real battle is about.  Part of writing is being truthful to yourself, and others, but I am not ready to share what is inside me.  I am afraid. I am not ready.  So I sit here alone, wondering what is it that I want to do with myself. Now that’s a question, I have struggled with all my life. Even at 41, I still don’t know what to do. I don’t mean to suggest I am unemployed, but more that I am uninspired.  A lot of things intrigue me, but nothing has come forth that has taken me prisoner.  I am free in the worst way possible.  I want to be imprisoned, but nothing is holding me back.  Not yet anyway.  Here’s to hoping, that someday I will be free…

Myself, Writing

Going Back To Cali Cali

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today starts my efforts to become a different me.  Ok, maybe that’s a bit over dramatic.  What I mean perhaps is today  I begin the process of going back to who I was just a few months ago.  I was working, working out, writing, and just all around doing the things that made me who I think I am.  A few months ago, something happened to me that radically changed.  I don’t mean to be secretive but it is the kind of thing that those close to me know, but is not really information you share with others unless you want sympathy. That’s exactly what I DON’T want so instead I will annoy you with this mini non-explanation.  I can no longer work out due to medical reasons.  I can walk.  That’s about it.  For someone like who has always ran ahead without thinking, this usually means torture.  Yet, I realize that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson.  All the directions and signposts I missed while racing, I now I have the time to stroll by to read and learn.

The one thing that did come back to me through this recent trauma. I missed writing. Like bad.  The kind of missing that suddenly made me wonder why I stopped in the first place.  I have always written when things are bothering me, but reading some of my old posts made me realize that a lot of them were almost vendetta-like. I was more interesting in hurting others or whining than really writing so hopefully that stops.  Recently, I have been reading www.zenhabits.com, and one of the suggestions from the site is breathe, and let things flow through, and as my very wise best friend Jemal told me to be a rock and let the stream go through instead of fighting it.  So today, I will begin the process of becoming a rock. To breathe. To stay calm.  To not worry about the life lost, but celebrate the very wonderful life I do have.  Here goes.

Myself, Preeti

Fences: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

Sometimes words can do more damage to your soul and personality that it can take months to repair the person you thought you were.  Recently, I inflicted serious emotional injuries on someone very close to me, not realizing that instead of being there as a person, I became an aloof prick .  The change was not sudden, but sad to say it took me a few days to see how far I had drifted on the person I used to be.  What is the point of growing up or having all the material wealth in the word when I managed to push people who fill my heart and soul with love?

In just a few minutes, I created a fence for that special someone who is now barbed with hurt, distrust but most of all disbelief that I could be this way.  The excuses are many, but the reality is I forgot for a bit how incredibly lucky I am to have the people I do in my life.  Sure, there are some new additions but I have been truly given gifts that I have not treated invaluable

In the end, words are easy to say and fling around but the journey back to love will take time, and I will need to once again prove why I am the best choice.  It has not helped at all that what I did was in front of people who think very less of me now, and it definitely has taken away a lot of the privacy I desired (ironic, I know since I am blogging about it but here at least it’s in generalities).  Now, I have to face some when all I want to do is wish I was invisible and never be seen again.  But I deserve it so it shall be.  The fence was created by me, and instead of keeping someone close to me, I managed to create a divide…

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Diet, Myself

Locks: A Blog Post

Sanjay Sabarwal
by Jemal Yarbrough

It amazes me how freeing it can be when you acknowledge the locks you have in your life.  From hesitating on working out in the mornings to blindly charging over $100 in Starbucks coffee, I am slowly seeing the things that are holding me captive to a financial flat line.  I see the locks now, and now each action of mine is becoming deliberative and it hurts my heart to see how much I have wasted on value-less items.  It was is I was filling up my world with things to give myself value when deep down I knew that my worth was more than the blue tooth headphones I use at the gym.

Marriage can do that to you.  Sharing finances with someone who I love so much was scary at first but her kindness and gentle humor at the silly things I used to spend as loosened the lock of fear I had.  Now I just have to stick to a budget so we can truly accomplish the things we want most in this world: security, charity and maturity.