Category: Myself

Family, Myself

MOM

Sanjay Sabarwal

Mom. I just don’t have the words to describe what you mean to me. That’s what I wrote in my scrawl on your birthday card, but here I am going to try. I was going to do a status update on Facebook, but something about that just did not feel complete. I don’t tell you enough I love you. I don’t tell you that you are my friend. I don’t tell you that your opinion means the world to me. I don’t tell you that your love of books is the one bond that makes me feel we are in an exclusive book club. I don’t tell you that my moral center came from you.

So much of me is you that I wonder what I did right to be your son. You have supported (and financed) most of my dreams, and not once complained. I love that you text, and Facebook. I love that you make lunch almost everyday with the expectation that we will come, and call if we don’t come for a few days. Your love for all is abundant, yet you make me feel like the favorite (yes, I know I am).  There is not much you don’t know about me, and even then you have accepted me. I have failed numerous times, but not once have you made me like a failure.

I know I am quiet most of the time around you, but  I hope you know that you are in my life and heart all the time. I already know that these words are not enough, but you know what, they are a start. You are one of my guides, and I hope that I become like you. Kind, spiritual, loving, thoughtful, intelligent, honest, and accepting. The list has just begun, but really I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am sorry for the late post. Even though this is just a sliver of  what I feel for you, it seemed to be right that I shared them.   I wanted the words to be just right, and even if they are not, I hope you see how much you mean to me.  Love you, Mom.

Family, Myself

Stylus

Sanjay Sabarwal

Tomorrow is Tejpal’s 3rd death anniversary. He has been on my mind for a few weeks now.  In a clinical sense, he is my brother in law‘s oldest brother, but in my life he has been a mentor, an older brother, and someone who really got my need to be writing and get things done creatively. I still cannot forget when he stayed up night after night designing my high school magazine Stylus which ended winning us one of the most prestigious awards for high school magazines.  I still smile at the many nights we would sit together and we would bounce ideas back and forth. He read most that I wrote till I graduated from law school.  He ended up being one of the few people in my life who was intimately involved in my writing.  Most times I write, I cannot help feeling his shadow across my thoughts, and I miss him terribly. All of this sounds so selfish in a way because he was more than just a mentor. He was a great father and brother. If there was anyone I knew close to perfection in compassion and care, I wouldn’t hesitate to say his name.

Dearest Tejpal.  I’d like to think that he is at peace, and as hard his sudden departure from this world was, he was genuinely the kindest, most generous human being I had met in my life.  Sure, I still saw him monthly after college and law school, but what never changed was how warm he made me feel. I am sure he probably wondered where I disappeared to and perhaps my only regret is that I never really got a chance to tell him how much he meant to me. I am sure he knows it, and I liked to think that he knew how much he influenced me.  So much of me wishes that I was deeper and better at expressing him.  I feel him by my side just smiling with his gentle hand on my back.  So even though the words will never be adequate, I grasp this stylus tightly and  write for the one of the few who inspired me.

Myself

Transitions

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today, my niece turned 18.  She is the second to do so.  I also have a 21-year-old niece.  There is nothing like seeing others grow up to realize that you no longer can pretend to be young.  It’s really quite amazing to see someone grow up into an adult right in front of your eyes.  It’s also a surreal week as last week I witnessed the burial of a dear friends father.  Life. Death. Growth. That’s what we are surrounded by, yet we constantly get caught up in the mundane. We do not realize how lucky we are to have the ones we have in our lives.  We ignore that we are all beautiful souls who are just here temporarily and perhaps instead of really enjoying each others presence, we let the worry of money, work and conflict drive each day.

I realize that I am being preachy so perhaps I need to switch from We to I.  This is my daily journey. Each morning, I have been waking up and really trying to spend some time with myself. It’s as if I have become a stranger to myself. So many random thoughts swirling around, and I see that a majority of them are negative.  I see that I am creating so much negative energy, and so now I try to refocus. It has led me to know how lucky I am to have met my friend’s father one last time before he passed.  To be touched by the earth in my hands as I bid him farewell on his new journey, and to be blessed to have known him and his daughter.  I also could not be more proud of my friend’s husband, a new father and a relatively new son-in-law, who took care of the family as his own. It was truly inspiring to see him be there for them.

I am surrounded by love, pain, grief, anger, but most importantly inspiration. If I could just allow myself to see life as what it really is, I would be a better person for it. It is a continuous teacher, lover, and philosopher.  So today as I wish my niece a beautiful birthday, I also wish my dear friend and her family a beautiful day in memory of their luck in having uncle in their lives. I know I feel blessed with the people in my life.

Myself

Flossing

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: Floss Pick
English: Floss Pick (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I admit that flossing was not something I thought or cared about much until a few months ago. To be quite honest, I am not even sure if I am still doing it correctly. And that’s after I went and checked several sites and videos. It finally hit me that the main reason I did not know how to floss was because I was unclear on the reasons to floss. I was using it as a pick to remove food and while that’s made easier with the floss pick, it never occurred to me that the real reason was to remove plaque buildup. (Hang in there, don’t give up on this post  as a way for me to promote floss picks).  Here I was, a 41-year-old who just started flossing regularly, yet I had several nagging questions.  How many picks do you use to floss? 1 for upper and 1 for lower is how I started? Do I just  running it between the teeth and just go back and forth?  This one I didn’t figure out till much recent that you need to use it to scrape the plaque of the sides of the teeth and gently use it on the gumline to get out anything stuck there.

Before you wonder how I have so much time to waste. Flossing truly represents my journey of trying to be a better person. I know that I have to give myself as much time to improve myself as I do for things for others. I know that I am giving myself an edge against heart disease because let’s face it, I have begun the slow descent into deterioration that we call aging. If I don’t arm myself accordingly then I have one to blame but myself. And at the end of the day I have to live with myself.

 

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Myself

Haven

Sanjay Sabarwal
Pork Jam at Haven Gastro Pub
Pork Jam at Haven Gastro Pub (Photo credit: 3j0hn)

Last night, I had drinks with a great friend. While there, I realized that this was a friend who I had known for years, and we had shared some really great history.  We had a life that many in my life now were not aware of. We had visited each other so often that he had asked me to be the Godfather of his son.  An honor I do not take lightly. I also felt guilty that it had taken us almost 6 months to get together, and that was only after he pushed hard for us to get together. As I sat there, and we began as if we never left off, it hit me hard that I had missed so much time in between our meetings.

I wonder why sometimes we drift off from meaningful and fulfilling relationships.  I want to say because we get busy with others or work yet those are just excuses. Real relationships are cultivated but more importantly if they are real they do not wither away.  I did wonder and I asked why it took for us to get together.  My theory was I had done something to offend him or perhaps the people in his life don’t care as much for me. He brushed it aside in a moment and flat-out said that he really was just working hard.  Just hearing that put me at ease.  For my part. I admitted that it has taken me almost 6 months from my surgery to finally feel like myself again.  I remember the neurosurgeon saying it would take time, but I truly did not believe him.

Yet it took one night for it to hit home.  I woke up at 545am yesterday on my own before going to an early morning breakfast briefing, and then had a full day of working and working out. I also started on a new app (well for me) www.calm.com which allows to practice meditation and mindfulness anywhere so while I drove I used it. I picked up my cousin from the airport at 815pm and then met him at the Haven Gastropub at 930 pm which I left from at midnight. And although I was fearful that I would not have the energy, not once did I feel tired. In fact, after meeting with him I felt energized and ready to do more.

I am at a place now where I see that for the things I want in life, I need to go after them rather than waiting around which also includes loving my beautiful wife and cherishing each and every moment that we have.

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Myself

Emotional Intelligence

Sanjay Sabarwal
Cover of "Emotional Intelligence 2.0"
Cover of Emotional Intelligence 2.0

As someone who is trying to change so much in myself, there are times I do feel overwhelmed. I wake up almost every morning now to do the following: journal, work on original writing, sometimes blog, watch BK Shivani and mini meditation about soul consciousness raising, do Lumosity.com, walk the dog who has been patiently waiting and then right after that work out for precisely 15 minutes, 11-13 minutes running off and on the treadmill and 3-10 minutes using a punching bag.  Finally, shower, Grab a banana or cereal and off I go!. All this before even starting my day at work.  Initially, I was exhausted by 9:30am when I arrived at the office, yet now I feel it normal, full in a way that I have not felt in ages.

I try to use BK Shivani’s message that I am the creator of my thoughts, feelings and actions. I am in charge of my emotions, and I create almost 50-60,000 thoughts in my head in a single day. The question is not about quantity but quality. Positive and soul consciousness raising thoughts give energy while negative, necessary and idle thoughts deplete you.  I’d like to add that negative emotions do the same.  At the same time while I listen to “Healer Within” I remember the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0 which tells me to use active listening to hear the other person. I am trying on so many levels to be the person I want to be. I have made it my mission to be a better person because ultimately, I want to enjoy meaningful relationship with others but most importantly with myself.

It’s a hard path because I constantly fail at active listening which involves me really hearing the other person and asking questions. Instead. I get hurt and become self-defensive which in turn creates more hurt and pain which leads to more negative emotions.   I am starting to see that I am truly at the beginning of my journey of being in charge of myself. Wish me luck!

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