Category: Myself

Food For Thought, Myself

Demanding Respect

Sanjay Sabarwal
Japji Sahib Wallpaper
Japji Sahib Wallpaper (Photo credit: Gurumustuk Singh)

As I was doing my Japji Sahib today, I couldn’t help thinking about this video that I sent to my dear friends and family.  What is it about doing my prayers that makes me want to do things for others?  Inherently, I seem to review all the things that I could and probably should have done differently.  It sometimes feel as if the words disappear on my Gurbani Anywhere app, and I am reading and thinking of all that has transpired in my life the last few days. It strikes me as almost disrespectful that I am a thousand miles away as I pray.  Yet the thoughts keep coming, and I have to work on ensuring that I am present as I pray.  It occurs to me that praying and meditating are the only times I am by myself and Him, and I this is my way of connecting with the one above.

It struck me as telling  that I forwarded the video to over 2 dozen people and I received only 3 replies so a 2% conversion rate (I am not that great at math so that could be wrong).  I have become that annoying person who constantly puts uplifting messages on his timeline as well as is always sharing wisdom that affects him. I felt a bit helpless this time around because I REALLY wanted the people to watch the video I sent. In it, BK Shivani discusses how we constantly demand respect from others while continually not giving it ourselves.  We always want people to do what we want them to do, which in turn is what everyone else wants so until we begin the process of separating from souls from their thoughts, feelings and actions, we will continue to DISRESPECT them.  We will fail to see the close people around us as emotionally disturbed. We will not see things from their perspective so we will continue to send negative vibrations to them.

These past few days. I managed to spend some quality time with one of my dear friends and his family. It really effected me to see them struggle with each other. They are the most loving people I know, yet their environment has become toxic as each of them demand respect from other. Rather than accepting each other as they were, they were embroiled in a battle to change each other.  And then there are people in my life who will go months not talking to each other because they feel they are both right. What if everyone was right in their own way? What if we, instead of wasting time demanding respect from each other, they accepted everything faults and all. To many of us, this sounds impossible. Yet, it is also that simple. If we just gave up demanding respect, and accepted each other souls with different ways of doing things, we would be so much happier.  Wish us luck! 🙂

On a totally random note, I have become obsessed with this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5t9VdZQ6ZI

Myself, Preeti, Random

Bollywood And Bullshit

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: Indian actor Shahrukh Khan, arrival f...
English: Indian actor Shahrukh Khan, arrival for press conference of “Om Shanti Om” at the Hyatt Hotel, Potsdamer Platz, Berlin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Mild Spoilers ahead. Also for those who don’t watch Bollywood, most of this will go over your head.

Preeti and I had the misfortune to go see Chennai Express. Within minutes of the movie starting, I knew it was going to be a  steaming pile of shit. However, we sat through the overacting by Shahrukh Khan and Deepika whatever her last name is (I am too lazy to go look it up), and I couldn’t help listening to the audience that was in the same theater with us. They were giggling and laughing away like it was the funniest movie they had ever seen. It hit me that perhaps they are such huge fans of SRK that seeing him in a comedy made more than worth their time. While I couldn’t help noticing how old he looked, and the fact that he had to quote his older movies to constantly remind us what a huge superstar he was, I couldn’t quite get over how disrespectful us North Indians are towards South Indians. The movie is full of every South Indian stereotype there is (idli anyone?), with a bare nod towards Rajnikanth  at the end with a song dedicated to him since he is a huge star there.

A quick glance at reviews online and I kept seeing the word escapism, visually arresting, blah blah. If you want to wade through glistening shit, this is the movie for you.  No matter what, with a big blockbuster like this, you can count on one or 2 songs being interesting especially the “masala” song which involves a girl with some flimsy clothes gyrating away as she has never gyrated before. It’s all in good nah. Never mind that it shows women nothing than sexual objects and things to look at.  God forbid, a Bollywood movie such as this show women as more than showpieces. Nope! Not happening.  Instead we get a mishmash of horrible songs, even worse dancing, and me wondering why the hell did I sit through 2 hours of utter bullshit.

I know that we all have different opinions, and perhaps I just couldn’t get past the over acting, but what really offended me is how we continue to watch Bollywood movies that are broadly stereotypical (a tamil speaking punjabi guy anyone?) and promote the idea that only particular north Indians are the true Indians. What a load of bullshit. We are better than this. Bollywood needs to get better before it truly become irrelevant to the next generation of South Asians.  [Rant done. Drops mike.]

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Myself

Conflict Clones

Sanjay Sabarwal
The Way to Save Ourselves
The Way to Save Ourselves (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I have mentioned before, I have become enthralled by BK Shivani and her series. Currently, I am going back and forth between “Healer Within” and “Soul Connection” (why I don’t just finish one to move on the next, I don’t know).  Yesterdays episode of Soul Connection (Soul Connection 24) dealt with conflicts.  In this episode, her message was simple. No one is ever wrong. We are all just different. We have our own reasons for doing thing. The main reason conflict occurs is not that we are different, but we are convinced that we are right and they are wrong.  That dynamic causes the pain in conflict.  The truth is we all want people to be like us but really do we want clones? Imagine a world just of Sanjay Sabarwals’s, acting and behaving the exact same way all day all the time.  A drama where all the lines are the same, read and said the same way and acted the same. A bit boring, don’t ya think?

Yet, all day we are angered, annoyed, irritated and frustrated by others for not doing things they want we would do them. We spend so much time trying to be right that we lose sight of the whole point of being alive. Of being present, of loving the moments and people as they and accepting that they are just different.  I know as simple as this idea is, how difficult it truly is to implement. Truthfully. I do want people to change, to deal with things as I want them to. I want to be IN CHARGE, but really I have no control over others. The only thing I have control over are my thoughts, feelings and actions.

The other truth is that while I may feel as if I am right, what I am really doing by being annoyed, angered, irritated and frustrated by others is wasting time.  Time that I can use to explore, expand and energize myself.  So I start each morning with my Japji Sahib, enjoy walking my dog passing each blade of grass as if it’s the first she has ever seen, and then come back to watch BK and then maybe dabble in  www.Calm.com, www.Lumosity.com and www.Babel.com and may be just maybe work on the every growing very personal essay.   That’s what I have control over.  Everyone else, well, everyone else is different. And you know what, that’s alright.

Myself, Preeti

Paradise

Sanjay Sabarwal
Cancun Beach
Cancun Beach (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Remember Me.”

“People will forget what you said or what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Unknown [The greeting note from our hotel

Right now in Cancun, I sip on my coffee people watching from my room.  The pool is huge and people are milling about and already the booths are filled up at the swim bar. Swim up bar. I had read that many times before but I am truly fascinated at the idea of ordering alcohol in the pool and drinking it right then and there. Of course to the many who are getting beers, I try not to dwell on the fact that I don’t see them going to the bathroom too often. Hey, it’s vacation, nothing wrong with pee, is there?

The sense of serenity and calm overwhelms me while I watch my beautiful wife sleep. Paradise. This is what people rave about. I finally get it. For the first time, we have arrived at a perfect place for us.  Because really it is us.  Those words just make me happy. There was some trepidation coming to an all-inclusive. We wondered about the quality of the food or that the drinks would be watered down, but nothing could be further from the truth. Expedia, you came through big time. It also helped greatly that 2 good friends recommended the hotel and one in particular told us to book for weekends as the price is double. Booking Monday thru friday saved us almost 50%.  The reality as she explained was that every day is a weekend at a vacation resort. She hasn’t been wrong on one thing so far.

And the ocean?  A brilliant deep blue further up and light blue with white sands near the shore. I still cannot get over how warm and pleasing the water is as your step in.  Yet what really makes this a great vacation is our sense of joy being together and really reconnecting again, learning new things, and sharing this beautiful experience together.  I know my recent posts have been sappy, but I hope that you also get a sense of my gratitude I have for the life I was lucky enough to be born in.  I no! We are blessed to have the luxury of going places, having wonderful people in our lives but most of all the faith that everything is going to be alright.  Paradise is not just this vacation. Paradise is where your heart is.

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Myself, Preeti

Preeti

Sanjay Sabarwal

I know the above song is your current favorite, but it truly expresses how I feel about you. You and I have come a long way. It’s hard to believe that ,today, we celebrate our second anniversary. I still remember our first kiss under the stars on New Years Eve outside of Suman‘s house 7 plus years ago. I knew at that moment that I would marry you. You were the first person in my life who I fell in love with unknowingly as we became friends. Our friendship was so unlikely especially the fact that we were in different social circles, and I remembered you at our family parties as the girl with pretty eyes. Sigh. Those green eyes.   I got lost in your eyes when we first kissed, and I felt I had met my soul mate. Each time you look at me with those piercing eyes. I fall a bit deeper in love with you.  I don’t know what I did right to deserve the right to look at you endlessly, but I am grateful for the chance to see those eyes open first thing in the morning.

You and I have had it rough. The ride has been bumpy, I admit, with all that we have both gone through, but I truly believe that they were intended to teach us how to better with each other.  I know that you were ready to take on world for me, and I know what a strong and amazing human being you are. The strength and belief you have in yourself motivates me to be a better person. Not many would be standing with what you have already experienced at your age. Yes, we are opposites in many ways, and we both have a lot of different interests.  Yet, somehow they have become complementary for us as we settle into each for the long ride called life.

You and I are different personalities. Yet your kindness, love for my family, and all the people in my life constantly reminds me how lucky I am to be with someone who accepts me for who I am.  There aren’t many people who I can share everything with, and there definitely aren’t many people who can put up with my stubbornness on a daily basis. You somehow you have managed to make me the person I imagined to be just by allowing me to be myself with you.

You and I are meant to be together. You and I will always get through the good and the bad times. That much I know.

2 down, and a lifetime to go. I love you, Preeti Sabarwal.

 

Myself

Below Average

Sanjay Sabarwal
Flag of the Sikh Empire, french flag overlaid ...
Flag of the Sikh Empire, french flag overlaid with waheguru written in punjabi across the front (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Cue Simran from the Tuhi Tuhi app.  I am absolutely in love with those words.  They bring me peace. Well at least on most days.   “You have scored below average on some key areas of your memory and reason” the doctor explained calmly over the phone to me yesterday.  I still hear echoes of it. Me?  Below average? It can’t be. Over and over. Below average in 3 out of 5 main areas of memory.  He went on for 15 minutes, but I couldn’t tell you what he said. I could blame that my short-term memory which has declined as per the doctor, but it’s more likely that I felt defeated in that moment. 3 months of meditation, BK Shivani, Babel.com, Lumosity.com, reading  and exercise seem to be all for nothing, I could explain that my reason has declined as per the doctor, or that I have a hard time visualizing places, things and events making it hard for  me to remember directions or recent events or people. I could just believe  I am below average.  Keeps echoing. Almost at pace of the simran in the background…  Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale out.

My stroke and brain surgery had taken a part of me. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel alone.  I cannot be below average. That just is not in my vocabulary.  Fuck you stroke. Fuck you brain surgery. YOU. WILL. NOT. TAKE ME. I will not allow you take anything of mine anymore. You won the first and second round, that’s all. Last one is mine, or I am going down swinging. You will not take me dignity. My creativity. My reasoning. My love. My family. My friends. My reasoning. My words.

Tuhi Tuhi.  Waheguru.  I have faith. I am the creator of my thoughts, feelings and actions. They make my destiny. Anger is poison. Anger destroys. Relationships, will, love.  I know that. I will not bow down to negativity. I will not let anything or anyone take me from me.  I am not below average.  I am me.

The doctor said to get retested in January. I am going to, and I will keep at it until I get back who I was. Breath out the anger, hate, frustration and breath in the calm. Waheguru.

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