Category: Journal

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Alone

Sanjay Sabarwal

One of the many things that I have discovered in my long runs is the sheer amount of thoughts that go through me. Along with the idea of quitting at every single step, as I venture out to longer distances like ten miles plus, I get into an automatic mode in which my legs keep moving, yet my body’s desire to stop grows but is unable to keep me from my momentum. I also can no longer run away from my feelings. So many emotions come up while I am alone on the pavement in the early morning light. Round and round I go, and my thoughts follow me. I feel the hard pavement on my feet, and also a slight twinge of pain in left knees, but I keep moving and so does my brain.

More and more, I see that I get to wake up earlier to get the long run in otherwise once that window of time goes, I am unable to get a run with the sun blazing. So, in the morning darkness, I believe my 2 hour plus running journey. At first, I couldn’t fathom doing that distance especially without music, but lately, as I mark miles I see a willingness to be with my head. To be inside myself and explore what is really going on.

What I find isn’t pretty: deep depths of grief, sadness, anger, unresolved conflicts, and a growing anxiety that I am not making enough, not doing enough, that I am wasting my time in many areas of my life, that I am slow, I am old, I am weak, I am in hiding. I keep the thoughts going, feel the emotion, and then I keep moving. Not away from them, but really allowing myself to feel it all.  Too often, in the past, I have denied and avoided my feelings, but now I honor myself by letting it come out, knowing that most of these things are expressions but they are not the reality.

That just because I am hurt or doubt myself doesn’t mean I give up on the relationship of the task. It just means it an opportunity to learn, to grow. I didn’t say it doesn’t suck, but my pain heals me, allows me to hurt so I can grow, and perhaps, maybe one day, the loneliness will fade.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal, My Past, Myself

Time Passes But Hurt Doesn’t

Sanjay Sabarwal

Another anniversary, another reminder of time passing, yet feels like no time at all.  Keep busy. Look down. Keep going. One task to another. Be in service to others. Remember him as the man he truly was not what I wished him to be. See him as a truly loving man who didn’t shy away from saying I love you. Heart full, head heavy. Yet images of him smiling always come to mind. Hard to imagine her pain, waking up to a day like this. Words and emotions flying inside me, but I dare not release them onto others. This is my suffering, to do alone, to serve as penance for not utilizing my time with him well.

But then I remember how much good and fun we did manage to have. Through the arguments, his unwavering support even when he doubted my crazy ideas about Desi music and Ziba, cemented our friendship. Yes, I could say I was friends with Papa.  Yet, the hurt stays, the pain never really gone, just a dull thud, but also the realization that I am the man I am thanks to him. His actions became my opportunities to learn. His mistakes, my pain to overcome and become better.

It’s tempting to build him up, erase the tension and the disagreements, the regret of not following his instructions. The day comes but he’s lasted for years and will for as long as I am here, and hopefully after. I Love you, Papa

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

If Only

Sanjay Sabarwal

It can be easy to delude myself that I am in great shape when I average 10 miles of running a week, and manage to hit crossfit two to three times a week. It can feel that I am at my healthiest, that I deserve to all that I want, and yet this week came the realization that perhaps, just perhaps, I am triggering in others and in myself a desire to over-indulge. I put in hard work, but this week it feels that loved ones around me feel I am wasting that effort if I gorge myself. Of course, the analyzer in me took up the challenge to figure out am I overdoing it?  If only, I ran more, worked out more, read more, practiced more, and it hit me that when I play “if only” game I am not as happy with my life as I should be.

When I allow “if only” to run my day, my thoughts and feelings, I never feel good enough, untalented, prone to mistakes. I ignore my best efforts. I don’t allow myself to feel pride in my accomplishments, and the fact that I am living pretty close to my vision.  When I only “If only” to rule my days, I lose sight of possibility in myself. Sure, I admit there are some positives because “if only” has led me to set up morning routines and exercise regimens, and be open to opening a new practice, however it can turn toxic when I allow others “if only” to permeate my thinking. When I take on their proposed ideas of how I should be living my life, I realize that I take on their idea of a what a good life is. It may be for them, but I workout to feel good and enjoy my life. I do the things in my life because I want to be a better version of myself, but not the best

That was never the goal. It is to live a life that I can call my own and not based just on “if only.”

Happy Monday and Labor Day!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal, My Past

Different Eras

Sanjay Sabarwal

Yesterday, I was blessed to be a baby shower of an old friends. I saw so many I had not seen in years, and we got to reminiscence about the bygone era of Ziba Music, promoting parties, out of state travels, being over each other houses all the time, I could not help feeling gratitude. Gratitude for still maintaining contact, for still having fond memories about the past, but most importantly, that we were still in each others lives. Sure, it’s not as frequent as it used to be, but it exists, and in the end, that’s all that matters.

This weekend turned out to be varying versions of remembrances as I heard my mom speak fondly of her dog who passed as well as the one who adopted her (our dog), and I was reminded yet once again, that sitting at lunch, around the kitchen counter, is this time that I will remember. I made note of it because I no longer take for granted that family lunches or dinners will happen endlessly. With old age, deaths now comes the realization that as each Era passes by, it is important to experience it for what it is not what I want it to be.

It’s strange to remember that Ziba music is no longer around, but it’s influence still present when I see my old music friends who bought many first legendary South Asian music from my father’s store. I count that as one of the major privileges of my life to experience so much great music, and to see so much talent blossom into great business for my DJ and artist friends. It took this past weekend for me to see different eras that shaped so much of my life. For that, I am truly grateful.

Happy Monday!  What do you cherish from your past?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Old Friends

Sanjay Sabarwal

It amazes me how many of my friends are still in my life. Beyond gratitude, I often wonder how I got so lucky.  So many who are not just colleagues or acquaintances, but real friends interested in my history, and my future.  So many who i think of fondly and hardly ever a breakdown between us. Just sometimes, a long length of time of not communicating, but as we connect, it’s as if nothing has changed.

I used to believe that was only a few people from high school and UCLA, yet more and more, I meet others who I met at different times in my life, and the warm feelings for them come bubbling up. This past weekend made me realize how truly lucky I am for the people in my life, and how many I can reach out for support. I promised myself to remember that feeling the next time I feel alone or like a burden to my best friends. Or when perhaps I just want to catch up and reminisce about that one time when I lived a different life, and thought differently. A time when I was more ideals than practice, yet my life is not full of regret, just appreciation for the opportunities. So many roads not taken, but still on track on my journey in life.

So I take a moment to thank those who taught me so much, spent their time and energy with me, and continue to inspire warm feelings about them and my past. I look forward to the next get together, and chance to reconnect.

Happy Monday!

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

8 Years

Sanjay Sabarwal

Between the illnesses, the deaths, the treatments, the grief, the one thing I counted on was you. You were there no matter what, even we were not in alignment. You supported all my ventures, and always encouraged me even when I doubted myself. Sure, I didn’t make it easy with my stubbornness and insistence on being right. There were days it hasn’t been easy, but so many more where it felt the day slipped away in seconds. So much laughter, joy, along with a sprinkle of anger, frustration, yet we kept plugging along.

You have been in my life a lot longer than being my wife, and I count that to be a blessing. Marriage anniversaries are a great way to reflect and remember you, my partner, the one who still takes my breath away. I wish I took more opportunities to show you my love, and I will working on that, but on this day, I can at least take joy in being able to hold you, and have you know that you are loved deeply. I know the sap is getting thick in here, and this message perhaps too personal for some to be put on a blog.

Yet as a writer, I am moved to express what’s coming up for me, so I want to tell you again. I love you, Preeti. And Happy Anniversary!