Category: Journal

Last week, I had a discussion with friends about this topic as a prompt, and what came up for is that although I am a good writer, I am not a great writer. Of course, the standard is subjective, but I used two objectives: 1) Completed works and 2) Published. While I do have some completed works, it hit me that my output is about 1 essay every 3 months and that’s being generous. While not bad, it is nowhere near close to my goal of getting published a collection of essays. And then the second big one: not only had I not submitted any of my works anywhere, the last time I got published was when one of my short stories got accepted when I graduated from UCLA.

Then it hit me. Fear stops me from being great. The idea of submitting work that may get rejected scares the crap out of me and makes me rewrite essays over and over even they have been critiqued by numerous people. So for me Good means fear and it stops me from being great at writing. That epiphany now confirms me that I get to spend the second part of 2017 to start writing like a banshee and being submitted. Being being “good enough” just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Grief is boring. The colors around me are dimmer. I am slower. Often distracted. Unconcerned with loved ones needs and wants. Just making through the day in a daze. It’s caused damage in some relationships as the Sanjay they need is on another plain of pain and sadness. A selfish Sanjay who just looks inwards and forgets that life is moving forward without him,

Grief sucks. Continually looking at certain pictures, and replaying certain memories. I feel like an iPod on endless repeat of a song. Yet it is not satisfying but stultifying.

Grief angers. I don’t have any more words to explain to others nor do I want. There are moments I want to be left alone and others I feel suffocated in my loneliness.

Grief grays me. The color inside me feels drained and shallow. Yet I also know this self-pity has to go away. Life and Death happen. Get over it. Honor them. That’s the goal.

So I begin today vowing to be a better husband, son, brother and friend. Sitting in my room allowing grief to control me does nothing but damage me and my memory of those gone. I know they would be disappointed to see me this way. So Today, I start anew.

There is nothing like the buzz from an amazing long weekend to wake up to on a Tuesday. While there is the immediate wish to go back, there is also a huge amount of gratitude for the people in your life who allow you such moments. A dear friend got married with a partner invested in the same ideals of commitment, friendship and love as her. It hit me that connections like that soothe the soul, and make me want to be a better husband, brother, son and friend.  That it is OK to be in friendship rather than comparison, to celebrate rather than judge, to enjoy the moment that comment on what’s missing.

It also hit me that there are various ways to self-medicate. From abusing booze, to oversleeping or to food (one of my sins), it is easy to try to fill that never empty gap one can get in your soul. Until you surround yourself with love, understanding, and great company.  I can always choose to feel alone, or I can be here in a beautiful moment with others. So this weekend, I didn’t just celebrate a beautiful wedding, but many relationships. I renewed my vows with faith, love and friendship. I medicated with gratitude rather than substances.

May 1st.  One third of 2017 has finished.  Where are you on your goals? Are you living a life of legacy or just passing time. Today, in this moment, are you living up to your potential?  If you died today. what would be your regrets? These are the questions I ask myself each month as I review my planner and make new goals for the month.

It still strikes me as crazy that so much of 2017 has passed by and while I am proud of some my accomplishments like hitting 275 on back squat, 365 on my deadlift, going on two amazing hikes, writing consistently, trying new places with wife, getting trained on how to handle immigration bonds, getting more comfortable doing legal and Ziba work, there is so much more I am hungry for. Like connection, spending intimate time with my life, and other loved ones.  Truly living life rather than just feeling like I have to work.

After a life of legacy will not come from working 50 to 80 hour work weeks, it will come from 50 to hour vision based activities. So I am grateful for my vision and for knowing that I have ways to go, and it’s OK. The point was never to finish all my tasks, but to begin them. The journey is what makes it fun. Happy Monday and May 1st!