Category: Journal

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

New Month/Week

Sanjay Sabarwal

It’s hard to believe I am in the ninth month of 2018. Every month is a chance to take a look at my goals for the year. Yet more and more, some goals I see were really just wishes as I made no real attempt to make them part of my life. For example, repeatedly writing that I want to be able to do a pull up or a double under, yet not spending any meaningful doing the accessory work to get better at those movements means I still not able to do those things.

Saying I am a writer, but really writing when whimsy strikes led to not much writing from me. And it goes on and on. Yet it hits me that I have made progress in so many other areas. From getting stronger to steady clients for the law practice and making a concerted effort to spend time with people I care about.

It’s easy to list a bunch of goals and projects, and if quantity is the game then I can fill up page after page with a to do list, yet more and more I realize that it takes serious contemplation on what really are true goals and why. What am I willing to do or sacrifice to make those goals happen? And then I also get to take a hard look at the things I am spending my energy on. Are they giving me the return I am expecting or is my ego and pride so important to me that I continue doing things that give me no real value except that I am doing them.

It’s not an easy road to take when you break down passion into to do items, but then again if it just stays as a dream then is it really a passion or just me selling myself a delusional sale of goods?

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

We Get To

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today at my gym, my coach reminded us that we don’t have to but we “get to do” things. Life is a privilege especially for those of us blessed with so much in our lives. It became a great reminder for the beginning of this week.Gratitude gets us so much further in life than feeling victimized and feeling sorry for one self. It’s easy to make everything into a chore than the privilege it is for so many of us.

So today, I begin this week with gratitude and the acknowledge that I get to do so much while others cannot or won’t. It’s always a choice.

What’s yours?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Back to Basics

Sanjay Sabarwal

It can be difficult to take self analyze certain emotional situations especially when dealing with loved ones. More and more I realize that I am blessed to be surrounded by so many who love me and who I love in return.

I see that when I forget the basics of connection, seeking or offering support, or making time to things that bring joy, I feel a certain emptiness, a guilt that somehow life is passing me by.

And then there are confirmations in a way you don’t want to happen, and it becomes clear that taking intimacy, and loved ones for granted is a recipe for feeling disconnected and alone. And so it is with the law. Each time I get a new client, it is a reminder that if people had taken care of the basics, they would not need my services.

So I use today to remind myself and others to be kind, be patient, be loving, reach out to others, stop feeling sorry for yourself, but most of all remain open to the possibility of what life offers up. It’s usually not pretty, but it ends up providing lesson that you need even when you don’t want them.

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Monday Starts

Sanjay Sabarwal

There are some Mondays when I am raring to go, and others when I want to snooze the alarm until it gives up. There are Mondays I am out of the bed way before the alarm, and other Mondays when the its gentle chimes racks me immediate tension and anxiety. Each Monday a new choice on how the week, month, year should go. Every Monday a chance to pick up where I left things, dump them or start new things on my to-do list.

The Mondays keep coming, and I have to decide how I will take the day, and my life. The last few Mondays came as a struggle, and it hit me that with 6 months of 2018 complete, am I on the path I envisioned for myself? Are the goals I set half way done? This type of assessment came from my LP group last week when the prompt asked us to see how we were going on 2018 goals. Lots of excuses and reasons came up for why I was not halfway done or even started on some goals. And I felt defensive, and self-pity for myself. Life just wasn’t fair and just for a moment that pity fit snugly onto me, but then it hit me. Suck. It. Up

Each transformational podcast or book I take on talks about personal responsibility. Sadhguru says that we have a choice each time on how to feel. People or things don’t make us feel, its how we choose to see things. Back to me it comes back. Always.

So Monday is here again, and I have a choice on whether I make excuses or I take personal responsibility. And so I accept my choice of making things happen.

How about you?

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Alone in the Woods

Sanjay Sabarwal

There are moments in my life where the silence is the only partner I have. In that part of the woods, emotions crash onto my brain, and I realize that it takes my every breath and thought to not be engulfed in despair. So I end each night tired, lost, and just a bit more broken.

But then daylight. The box, the meditation, the writing, the connection with a loved one, the legal, the speaking to with my best friend, the warm touch of my wife, mother and perhaps my family and the pain recedes just a tiny bit. But if I give myself space, images of the ones lost come to me, and so I run and deny and keep busy and keep moving just so I am not so focused on their long gone smiles and the warmth they provided.

I know it’s life. I know I am not unique. I know. I know. I know. But the pain doesn’t stop. And the silence gets deeper. The woods get darker. Yet I keep marching on, knowing somewhere, at some point, there will be a day break. And I won’t be alone. Or quiet. Till then I keep marching on.

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Sad House Gets Sadder

Sanjay Sabarwal

It’s taken me a few days to really absorb the loss of our family dog. I brought Bebo for my mom 12 years ago, but funnily enough my dad named her. It took him less than a minute. As I stroked her hair before we put her down, I couldn’t help remembering how I stroked my father’s hair in Iran as we cleaned his body before cremation. Both times, tears streamed down my face, and regret covered my soul.

The sheer pain in my heart felt as if I would melt into a torrent of grief and loss. Bebo knew she was going. Her eyes looked at my calmly as she accepted her fate, and I wondered if I would be blessed enough to do the same when my time came.

Papa always talked about Death and how he was content with his life. As I struggle in my stormy emotions, and the awareness of yet another death in our family, I feel our house get even sadder. A certain quietness reigns through the rooms, and it feels as if we speak in whispers at a funeral. Joy comes occasionally, but more often, it is just a thick blanket of silence where everyone in the house pretends to move forward.

Each week it seems something new comes up that takes out just a bit more air out of the house, and so I sit in silence, bathing myself over and over with grief, and feeling if the ache in my heart will ever go away. I know logically that loss is a part of life, but for it to happen to us and loved ones suddenly over and over not only is destabilizing, it makes me wonder how I can move forward.

I used to look forward to new weeks, and changes, but lately it’s filled with dread and wonder who or what will end next. It truly makes me feel alone.