Category: Journal

It’s strange to realize that in just 77 days 2018 will come to an end. I just looked out the 5 goals I laid out for myself for the year, and only one of the is close to completion. Disheartened?  Not at all. Frustrated. Absolutely.  And I have no one to blame and so yet again I take responsibility.  So what were the reasons. Just as simple as not paying attention, and being distracted by latest shiny new idea and passion in my heart. I see a pattern. I start so many things, and in general I stick to them for a while, but it takes away from time for goals I have had for years.

For example, each year I say I will be able to do a pull up, run a marathon, publish a book, and be better with money, but somehow I manage to get to other things and now looking at my original 2018 goals, it hits me that I spent minimal time working on making these goals happen.  It always come down to the fact that until I take the small steps to get to those bigger goals, they will just remain ambitions and not actual things I have done.

Yet there is also a part of me that realizes that I also did many things that I am proud of.  Maybe its better these goals become news one for 2019, but if I am being honest 2018 served its purpose in teaching me patience, humility, and responsibility. How about you? How is 2018 treating you?

Happy Monday!

Each Monday is an opportunity to start over. I read somewhere the Buddha said the biggest misconception that we have is that we have time.  That comment hit me hard as I realized that I can either waste time or I can use it to help bring my vision to life. So what do I want to use time for? I want to use it to further relationships with loved ones. Not just family but those friends that  I have had for decades. To check in, and let them know they are being thought of. To also show the ones near me how much they mean to be and how grateful I am that they are in my life.

Then also there is being in service. Over the years, I have volunteered at many places, but not to brag but because I believe that it is important to know that anyone can have an impact on another’s life. I know so many who have in mine so why not continue that? Yet more and more I think about the quote and realize there is so much I have put off thinking I will have time for it and now I am 46. I wonder about my dreams at 18, then 21 and 30, have I been faithful to those ideals or did I just keep saying to myself I still have time? It’s a question I will grapple with this week.

How about you?  Happy Monday!

Only in this morning quiet do the tears come. Images of Papa, Baby Maasi and Bebo flood me and my soul aches. My heart hurts. There hasn’t been a day when I haven’t thought about them. I tell myself time heals, but really all it does is that I don’t speak about them aloud anymore. The silence in my heart suffocates my mind. I wish I knew how to express what it means to lose loved ones in successive order. Each loss a reminder that at end of the day we only get one life to spend with them. Regret chokes me up. So many missed opportunities. So much time with petty anger and frustration instead of loving them in the best way possible.

The worst part is being surrounded by ones who don’t know that feeling and offer platitudes that can never salve my gaping soul. So I wake up everyday and give myself the allowance to miss them fully and know that they loved me with all my flaws. Each morning a new chance to feel gratitude and pain. My own private moment that I chose not to share those close to me.

The words that come to describe the losses small, insignificant to the pain in my heart. Even now. I feel overwhelmed at the grief, and the words do nothing but just make it worse. Yet I get up each day with the hope that at some point it will lessen, then I will be able to look out the kitchen and not see Papa reading the paper, Bebo waiting for her breakfast and my aunt sharing a cup of tea with mom.

So I sit here, aching, hurting, grieving, and then I shake it off and remember them for they always were: joyful, full of curiosity, and always open to sitting down and spending time. And I work to honor their memory, and realize that each day is a chance to remember them.

And so I love their memories, but I ache.

Today, my leadership call included the prompt  “What does Personal Freedom look like to you?” The question immediately brought to mind that when I stick to my personal routines and am able to do the things that bring me joy, I can be of service to others. When I get too involved in a task list, and move away from my daily morning rituals, I feel imprisoned and unhappy.

Yet it is also a balance. I also get to be present and be in acceptance when there are changes in life. For example, I recently had an employee quit mid-shift and instead of focusing on how unfair it was, it turned into an excellent opportunity for me to learn our new Point of Sale program. When I forget that Personal Freedom means aligning with my personal vision for growth, what feels like a burden becomes a reason to continue on that path.

It takes continual check-in’s to ensure that I am not doing things just for the sake of doing them, but that they align with my personal values.  For me, Personal Freedom looks like responsibility, Integrity, and Passion. It also means that I get to make a habit of knowing my why. It is easy to get lost in the busyness of life and others. It means to know the instead of filling my time with things to do, it should be things to go with my vision.

What does Personal Freedom look like to you? Happy Monday!

The more I fight the notion that I have no choice, the more it hits me that besides breathing, eating, and drinking water, everything else is a choice. It sucks. It’s so much easier to blame others, or events than take responsibility for my emotions. It is exhausting to step up and say yea x or y happened, but how I respond to it always comes down to me. It is easy to point fingers at others, and think or say that what they said or did caused me x or y emotion, but ALWAYS it comes back to me that it’s MY choice to respond that way. Every. Single. Time.

So I take time today to reflect on my choices, and really dive in, is what I am thinking or doing really serving me? It is not an easy thing. I struggle to dampen my emotions, yet I also know that if I continue on this path of feeling sorry or powerless, it will not only make life harder, it disconnects me from my loved ones. I keep forgetting that when I am not my genuine self either to myself or to others, I cheat myself and them of the opportunity to grow from those interactions.

Yet it is not easy. I struggle daily to not take it personal. To not be in judgement or resentment or really any emotion that does not reflect my responsibility in it. And so I begin all over again. A new Monday, to be in responsibility, respect and non judgement. Wish me luck.

Happy Monday!