Category: Food For Thought

Food For Thought, Journal, Myself

Awake!

Sanjay Sabarwal

owl-drawing-tumblrMy eyes opened automatically. Time to go. No excuses, sleep already a stranger like a lover who skips out before the girl figures it out. None of the normal rationalizations of why I should sleep in appear. I look at the clock. 4:58am. I never imagined that would be me. My father has called me an “ooloo” [owl] all my life due to my penchant for staying up late. But nowadays, 10pm rolls around and my body starts calling for the bed. When you are working on all aspects of your life, and are on a path of self-discovery and betterment, time is not on your side. The excuses of why I “can’t” dissolve, and why I “can” become the norm.   It used to be I was up late to get things done, but really that meant that I got to them later and later. It also wasn’t efficient. Getting up earlier allows me to work on so many more things, and as the mind flags down at the end of the day, I know that I laid out everything inside me. I can also spend the evenings with my wife being present and the anxiety of future things to do dissipates, no longer part of my ongoing stress. I am getting shit done, and that’s all that matters.

To be sure, there are days when the bed is so warm, and my body so tired that getting up from there alone is a task that I am not up for. So I fall back, and you know what? That’s OK. I am learning to know my body. To assess my limits. Some days I just don’t feel like dealing with all that’s on my plate. A plate that I greedily filled up. That’s OK as well. It’s part of getting to know myself. There are days I wish I was an owl again, but really my plate can get bigger, and it will be. The owl may be no longer be my symbol, but it is still a symbol of wisdom.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Myself

Life and Death

Sanjay Sabarwal

life-and-deathOn Friday the 13th, I attended a funeral and a birthday. It was surreal to say the least. While we mourned a father’s friend, I couldn’t help be glad I got to see him in his final moments. I put aside the busyness of the world, and was just there, allowing my wife and to be one of the last ones to see him besides his family. It struck me that nothing else matters when death is around the corner. I know he was surrounded by loved ones, and I hoped our presence conveyed our love for that family. It didn’t feel enough, but it was more than nothing. At the end, that’s all that matters.

That night, I attended my nieces 20th birthday, who also asked me to be her manager, and it hit me that I held her in my arms when she was born. I only wanted the best for her, and the love I felt for her so strong and potent that it caused me to choke up. Suddenly, this became a summary of what I wanted my life to be. To be reminded that there was more to the day-to-day. more to things we wish we had or the fights we get into. There’s more to me. More to just getting past the days, the hurt. the meaningless tasks and goals we fill up our time with. More to all of us. There’s life and death. Because once that occurs, we have a choice. We either move forward, stay still or leave with regret.

What are you going to choose?

Food For Thought, Myself, Writing

Nanowrimo, Movember and Life

Sanjay Sabarwal

thSo I am now at 10,000 words, more than I have written in decades. I am also clean-shaven for Movember after a decade. It’s funny to me when I speak to other writers lately about the reasons why they cannot do Nanowrimo. From “I have to outline to no time”, I have heard it all. But recently a theme has come up. What if it’s no good?  What if it’s a waste of time. That’s the really big worry . It comes down what if I spend hours upon hours for 30 days and have nothing to show for it. Just 50,000 words of crap. My answer is simple. You won’t. If  Nothing else you will write something unique, different. Just let go. I am in the middle of a Novel, something I thought impossible a few years ago. I am 35 pages in, and I admit I am dying to edit, to delete, backspace some of the shit that spews out of me. I dawdle on Facebook and Twitter in the early morning, but I am writing. I am inching forward. 630am every morning so far, I am giving myself the permission to be a writer.  9am I call it quits, and then my day starts.

I hope to start Crossfit soon so I can begin prepping for Spartan, and I am nervous. Isn’t it a bit much to add that to my life. Also, trying to do Zen Habits where this months habit is to spend mindful time with loved ones. Give them at least 10 minutes without interruption.  And then there are some who have suffered horrific losses. One death. One fighting Cancer. It’s a strange and unpredictable world that teaches us that if not now, then when? Seize the day before it seizes you.

Books, Food For Thought, Journal, Myself

The Old School Life

Sanjay Sabarwal

LifeAnother Monday, the memory of the Jassi Sidhu party and the Spartan run already fading away as well as my cold and the aches and pains that came with it. It’s funny when you are in the thick of things, it all seems to important, so urgent, but when it’s done, it’s just another task.  I am proud of myself for once not getting myself overly anxious about the party or the run. Perhaps it comes with experience or my daily meditation.  But really it comes from the realization all this will pass. That nothing is ever really an emergency. There is absolutely no reason to ponder things that you cannot control. It can be tough not to wonder, I admit.  Yet, more than that it just is accepting that what’s happens is gonna happen no matter how much you stress about it.

I rediscovered reading again. In the past 2 weeks, I have managed to read 3 books already (Think Like A Freak. The Son by Jo Nesbo, The Book Thief), and now starting The Sleep Doctor by Stephen King. I forgot how much I love reading a few pages, and then putting the book down and truly just enjoying the satisfactions one gets from the imagery presented the authors.  It is probably one of the few times that I know I am truly enjoying myself. I am already looking forward to getting a new stack of books. Although I have a Kindle and the first generation Ipad, nothing is quite like holding a book in your hand or putting that CD in.

Yep, I am officially old school. I still buy CDS. I am still buy hard cover books. I still make my own playlists, and download (mostly) legally. I still promote events to people I actually know rather than just bombarding it on social media. It’s funny but what once was cutting edge is now just quaint. A very big eye opener.

Food For Thought, Myself

Busy Bee

Sanjay Sabarwal

awesome copyAugust has turned into a busy month already. From partaking to weddings, to running 4 times a week, I have now added doing a bhangra show early September. Yet none of it feels like work (except for some of the weddings), and I realize that I still miss writing daily, still want to do things with wife, still want to do all the other things in my  life.  Yet, this moment, more than anything else I need to be here for this moment. It’s so easy to live in the past and future, thinking of what has been and what is to come, and not just enjoy the current moment for what it is.  So I am using the post to just be. To know that all is well. That it’s not about me what’s going in my life. That all I have right now are my 5 senses, and this present moment. Am I tempted to think about the Jassi Sidhu show or the 13 miles run coming up? Yes, of course, but then I catch myself just sitting here and being grateful. Alive. Present. Happy. Fulfilled. Determined. Focused.

Zen Habits is teaching to try to slow down, to see what the moment is about rather than focus on what’s ahead or behind. Too often, it becomes about expectations for myself and others instead of just realizing that at end of the day, nothing really matters except for the relationships with yourself and your loved ones.

Food For Thought, Journal

Missed Opportunities

Sanjay Sabarwal

missed opportunityI love walking Bella in the mornings. It’s probably the only time of the day when I let my mind fully wander. Some days, I process what I watched the night before, but more often than not, I reflect on the missed opportunities I had to be better. I rewind conversations, moments and interactions with people and I wished I had done them differently. This is not to say my response was bad, but that it could be better. I imagine saying better things, going one step further, not being lazy, etc. I cringe at my inability to remember to stay present. Try it.

Being present is one of the hardest things in the world. I am either in the past or wondering about the future. It’s what causes me to be on auto-pilot. Where I respond automatically without thinking.  But when I do remember, my brain steals the part of the soul for writing. Each word I write is based on what I experienced in some ways. And it’s scary. How much of my soul can I carve out before I completely hollow out? Yes, I love the morning air, the passing conversations, the neighbor’s dog running around in a frenzied circle as it sees Bella (not sure how it doesnt get dizzy), and I think of missed opportunities while all the while trying to be present.

I do wonder if I making my life harder than it is but then remind myself it’s not about me. What I give is what I will get. So I take a deep breath and promise to make better use of those missed opportunities.