Category: Family

This past weekend, my wife and I began on our new years resolution to travel more by travelling to Ensenada to go wine tasting. Yet what we didn’t realize that the trip would become so much more. In my quest to say yes to new things, I said yes to going with a group of people I was acquainted with but had spent little connection time except for two of them. For my spouse, it was even less so. With a bit of apprehension, I said yes and as the trip approached, I grew excited to witness and experience the excitement of the 12 others were were joining.

It is not often a trip goes flawless, and that only happens when there is implicit trust in the person or persons who put the event together not only does luck seem to come in, but generosity and kindness as well. I never would have experience Ensenada the way I did with this amazing group of people where we felt we formed a deep bond and affection because each person remained open, curious and full of joy.

Although, on surface, we had gone for just one thing, we ended up experiencing so many other things which made this more than a wine tasting trip. It can be easy to forget that it is possible to do new things with different people and come out the better for it. The past few days just the thoughts about thinking about the trip bring up so much joy, and I know now that I have a special group who will help me form even more amazing experiences in the future.

I joined crossfit to get fitter, but never did I realize that it would give me so much more, including friends who I know I will know for a very long time to come. I never associated fitness with family and found it a cliche, but after this trip, I’d rather be a cliche then just another member working out a gym. Happy Tuesday!

It’s not easy for me to see others cry openly. A discomfort at first, but more like envy as they allow their emotions to burst out rather than bury them deeper inside where they can ferment, and change the person you are. It’s also not easy to be present when others express their emotions, to listen without judgment. To just be. Listen. Engage. These are the things I have gotten better at over the years, but it’s still hard to let the tears out.

So much has already been said. I won’t pretend to be a huge fan. I am also not gonna lie that in those earlier moments of hearing the news, I went to my own loss. As when I heard about Papa, I was out walking the dog, and then again yesterday, and I let the tears come, surprisingly. But seeing others collapse has taught me that in this moment, it’s not about me. It’s about just being there for them. To hear the stories, to remember with them when they saw one of the greatest players do what he did best. And just grieve with them. Hold them. Let them bring it out. No judgment. No questioning.  Just be there to wipe the tears, hear their pain, and hold them tight. It’s what others did for me when I lost someone.

It’s what we need to do as human beings when others are in pain. We get to be there for them. To make sure the tears run out, that they feel supported and safe, but most of all, they get to feel heard.  We hear this over and over. We only live once, but as one of the cartoons said no, we die once but we live every day. We get to express gratitude for all the day we do get, and I hope the ones in my life know how much they are loved, and I will be always be there to wipe their tears away.

As I stepped out to the pavement, a nervousness gripped me. Was I really going to run for two hours? I don’t feel like running at all. I didnt even warm up!  I started off slow, each step felt heavy, but I pushed on. The hard pavement seemed to push back each time my heel touched it as if fighting me each step of the way. I also knew the first mile was always the hardest as the body warmed up, but due to timing this week I would only manage only one run instead of usually two 45 minute runs and an additional long run in which I add 15 minutes each week.  This was my marathon plan, but today it felt like a plan to fail. As I rounded my neighborhood block and closed into my home, I knew I’d hit  bit over 2 miles in 27 minutes. My heart sank as it meant I was running well below my 12 minute mile pace (slow still but for me, fast), and I slowed to a walk as my thoughts bombarded me.

Fuck this. I will just run another time. I don’t feel good. I didn’t run at all this week. I don’t want to do this anymore. 

For five minutes that went on as I walked on and then my heart beats slowed, and I realized that it was that thinking that stopped me from running the entire week so I began running again, and didn’t stop until the two hours passed and I got to 9 miles. It hit me that my running represented a lot of my life. Too often, I did give up when I convinced myself of not doing something, yet more and more, this year I did get back into certain things and started them up. I had a choice to make, and I learned to ignore the negativity. Not always, but way more often than before, and because of that I had so much to show for 2019.

I wonder now if I just continued on everything I had started, how the year would have looked, but that’s the thing also, not everything I began needed to be finished or perhaps not in that moment. It also gives me hope and motivation for the year ahead. So I look forward to running more, not just the actual act, but in my life as well.

As the dark becomes whole today, the glow inside me feels like it could light up the day. I had forgotten the joy that comes from spending the day with a being who has just into her second year of life. Living the day through her eyes not only meant seeing everything and everyone as joyful, but also as a treat to behold.  A simple thing like a key brought out giggles, and running through the aisles of a department store meant endless fun.

The day not only shot by, but brought up so much for me. I have been truly blessed to have so many amazing nephews and nieces, and now to be in that environment again just reminds me how lucky my life has been. It’s easy to lose sight of that when we lose people or things come to fruition as planned.  Easy to dwell on the negative and the what if’s or waste time wanting to be right. Instead, today I got to be around a human being whose whole world was about joy and curiosity.

As she held my hand with her tiny fingers, a jolt of past memories as well as present joy coursed through me. Instead of a muggy monday where I bemoaned work. I indulged in laughter, and entertaining another who just seemed happy to be here. Today, that was an important lesson for me to learn.

I am often amazed at how blessed I am when I take the time to count my blessings. From loving in laws to an amazing close knit family to decades long friendships, it astonishes me how rich I am. Yet, there are many days where I choose to feel alone rather than seek support, and yet somehow, my loved ones always seem to know. Someone will always reach out even when, as usual, I don’t seek them. I realize now that just as I notice when someone close to me is acting out of character, there are others who do the same for me.

These past few days have been amazing in the sense of being able to see how much love I am surrounded by.  Yet (there is a always a yet), there are times when I feel alone, don’t wish to be bothered or bother others with my issues, and it is precisely then when someone shows up (the list is exhaustive), and yet again I am not allowed to wallow. Are there are down days? Yes. But continuous days with no one checking in? Never. It is a lesson I keep forgetting because truth be told, it is easier sometimes to feel sorry for myself, to want to give up, to not do what I promised, to just wallow in the shit.

So I am grateful, grateful for those who see me, grateful for those who pull me up when I manage to drag myself down repeatedly, grateful for having so much and forgetting that support is always there like life and I just have to reach out. It is a dizzying feeling to know that I am loved, and more than that, to know that I matter.  So as the 2019 reaches to a close, I take this moment to be grateful for all that I have, and I look forward to 2020.

Happy Monday!

The weekday morning quiet is my favorite time of the day. Outside, darkness still reigns, and I am usually awake before my 5:30 am alarm.  I can hear the dog’s gentle snore, and I take extra care to get out of bed as not to wake her because once she is up, she follows me endlessly until I take her for a walk. But this time is my time. An hour snatched out of the day so I can read, write, and think. The past few days, I experienced vulnerability from others and ownership about their feelings, and it hit me that while my memories have not faded, I act as if they do.

I no longer speak his name, or bring up his passing, yet it’s always there. It’s easy to get lost in the tasks, and all this busyness I have created, harder to admit that slowing down or cutting down on commitments is not quitting or giving up, it’s giving priority to people who matter.  It’s not easy seeing my blind spots. It’s appealing to just go, go, go, fill up the time rather than be present, still, and curious about what’s coming up or me.

There is so much more I could do with less distractions, and projects. Loved ones who deserve my attention, ears, and love. Not my intent, but my actions. Not platitudes, but spending meaningful time. Not being defensive when called out, but open to hearing, no! listening to their unmet needs.

So while the memories haven’t faded, my resolve to do better increases. His legacy is unfading, and I get to be more like him. Mend all relationships around me, and be an inspiration rather than a drain.