It’s been almost a year since I posted something. Wow, time flies when you really want to avoid something. Last week, my niece turned 18, and we held a surprise birthday party for her, and I was asked to say something. I surprised my sister and my wife when I said no. Truth be told, I got nervous due to my recent illness but more because how do you express in a few words to someone you have loved from the moment she was born literally grow up in front of you? It was a surreal experience to now know that my niece is now an adult. But what really came forth was the same urge to protect her from this world. To not have her experience the pain and growth that comes from making adult decisions. Yet, that is crazy too. For her to grow, she has to fall, has to make mistakes, has to learn the real truth of about being let down by others. If not, how would she become experienced? As family, I think its hard sometimes for others to realize how some hard it can be to let someone you love with your entire being to get hurt. So Maya honey, I stayed quiet not because I had nothing to say, but because I was too afraid to. I know you heard many say they will always be there for you, but one thing I can offer is that I will always allow you to make your own mistakes. After all, what is a favorite uncle for? Happy Birthday honey. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Just because I am quiet does not mean that you are not part of me. It just means that I am here waiting for you whenever you need something. 
Category: Family
Regret: A Blog Post
“Hey Sanjay, your _______ has been taken to the hospital. Nothing to be worried about and…” the rest of the words were a blur as the immense guilt overwhelmed as I imagined that person not being part of my life. In mili seconds, all the memories, half-said reminders to do more, talk more, spend more time with that all important person hit, and I numbly went through the motions of changing out of my workout clothes and got into the shower. The water touched my body but not my mind, and I cannot remember if I had soaped myself or just stood in the water, aching for all the things I never got around to doing with them. “Please, please let it be all ok. Please let them be here” I prayed to the nameless entity, my entire soul focused on the regrets of not doing more, of the last time I met them and the laughter we shared. I just could not imagine not seeing them during my wedding, now only 28 days more and wondered what kind of cruel Being takes away even that much happiness from me and them.
It was at 1am and as I sat in that hospital room, relieved that for now everything was ok, I was ashamed at my selfishness. I only thought about me and my feelings, and tried to imagine how they must feel to lie in that bed and know that each subsequent hospital visit could be their last. I watched as they breathed gently, at peace and smiling drowsily each time the nurse came by, jarring us both with the harsh light, apologizing for intruding but not really meaning it.
So there we sit in that room, regret my friend while relief the soldier who conquered that small room, allowing for another day, another moment, of just being with them.
Darkness. Light. Regret. Relief. We are who we allow ourselves to be.
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Real Friends and Family
Sitting amongst the scattered poker chips, with the sun drenching the room as well as my soul, there is a sense of fulfillment that I have not felt in ages. Nothing like a birthday to simultaneously make you feel old as well as loved.
Books sit around me. It’s the second time since I built my library that I am actually writing from here. The light is just dark enough so there is no glare , and I feel a sense of peace. As much as I fought the idea of writing in a closed room, I had dismissed my book palace too easily. Sure, I notice dozens (ok maybe closer to 100) of books I meant to read, others that I have merely perused and then others I have repeatedly broken open. If nothing else, it makes me even more determined to write and read more. To love and be loved more. But most of all, it makes me value my friends and family even more. The ones that matter always seem to appear without needing an official invite. The ones you have to send a card to or constantly ask for a response are just temporary guests in my life, and thus not deserving of my time and attention. If I have to explain to you why you should call or visit me, then perhaps you never were a friend, but a temporary placeholder. A time pass. Thanks for the good times, and the commercial break but now the real program’s starting.
Last night was a culmination of sorts as the many friends and family in my life came together to celebrate not just my birth but a new beautiful new relationship. Not just of friendship and family but of new beginnings, and suddenly nothing seems impossible. In just one day, I was surrounded by so many loved ones, I can’t believe I actually believed/felt alone. So I sit here, bathing in the sun as well my good fortune and suddenly, nothing seems impossible.
Nothing like a birthday and an amazing party to know your real friends and family. Thank you.
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An Apology (sort of)
Yesterday was an amazing day. Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself. It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together. The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here! Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together. The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several. There was my mother in well as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others. Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .
I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others. No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go). I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me. In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry. To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing. It really isn’t about them. It’s about me. I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly. In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it. Ok, I almost said that with a straight face. No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing. So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more. After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up. I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well. As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone. I have others I can trust with my life including my new family. And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.
When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past. I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain. Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are? We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.
Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help. I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no. I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity. I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch. An emotionally unstable whiner. A loner. I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are. So yes I am a bitch. I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character. Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).
I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people. I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well. I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Except for me as well, duh! Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂
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Prayers, Friends and Family
In the fading light of the day, I say a small prayer for my friend’s father who passed away 2 nights ago. The house is quiet as usual, and she rests uneasily but expectantly for the nausea to follow. A friend had just visited, the worry lines creased deep into her forehead due to the recent seizure experienced by her little brother. 2011 seems to be foreboding, and I wonder if more bad news is to come.
But that really is the easy way out. What is it about a series of bad events that makes us believe that we are unlucky or somehow cursed? I close my eyes and see my family, and nothing but joy gratitude and loves comes into my soul. There is not a single relative that I don’t love with all my heart and soul. It almost seems like heresy to believe that I have the perfect family. I know my love for them is imperfect because I do not thank God or revel in my blessings of having a truly amazing family enough. I would daresay that my family is worlds better than the ones I hear about in fictional novels. I have the ULTIMATE FAMILY, and their wondrous love and prayers are the reason I can sit here clacking away while she struggles with her pain.
Their thoughts and prayers are the reason I know with all my heart and soul that this too shall pass. That this stupid Cancer is merely a minor bump on the long road of life. And I pray even harder. Pray for my blessings, pray that I am at the unfortunate cross roads to hear about friends parents dying, sibling suffering uncalled for pain, and it makes me ache for my mom and dad who are merely a block away from me physically but always reside in my heart. I fall in love each time my sisters come over or her brothers do. Her mom’s pain reverberates in my heart, and I wish I could inhale all their worry and fear. So I thank God yet again for joining us with them. For giving us real soldiers so we can mercilessly kill the killer.
And then I come to my friends. I always thought I had a few good friends, but this recent adventure of ours has introduced me to an amazing soul:Biba, who has selflessly given her time and energy to heal the love of my life. She made the chemo session seem as just a routine doctor’s visit and I do not think I can ever thank enough. And then there are others who think they can achieve comfort by merely texting or leaving quick voice mails. Don’t get me wrong the concern is real but it’s minuscule as if the disease she’s batting is minor or one that can fit in 140 characters or less. The sad part is that healing her takes nothing more than their physical contact but it’s treated as if she’s not worth that. And it hurts. But we move on because we have to, and we will remember. They are the past, and the future we have looks brighter due to the shining souls in our life. The rest of them can take their indifferent asses back to Facebook, Twitter and texts, and become as irrelevant as the social media horse they rode in on.
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