Category: Family

Family

Brothers, Sisters & Cousins

Sanjay Sabarwal
Japji Sahib Wallpaper
Japji Sahib Wallpaper (Photo credit: Gurumustuk Singh)

As I did the Japji Sahib  today in the morning, I couldn’t help smiling inwardly at some of the funny, and loving things I have seen with my family this week. As I kept reading under a gloomy sky, I felt completely lit up inside. For the first time, I was reading the prayer without halting ( I don’t have it memorized). It struck me that I have a lot  cousins and their children in town.  At last count, 43 all together counting everyone living here. Yes! 43 which includes, kids of all ages from a 6 month old to 21 years.  That’s still only gets us to perhaps 1/2 of my family as half didn’t come. Yes, half.

To say my family is big is an understatement, but really to say that they are loved is an even bigger understatement.  I wish I could say that it was due to a special occasion such as a big birthday or wedding  that the family is here but in reality this regularly happens in my family.  My cousins have been coming to visit us for as long as we have been in California.  What’s really striking is that how much fun we have as a family. I don’t think I have laughed this much, well since, the last time they were here which was my wedding. Preeti joked that it felt like we are getting married all over again which made our 2nd anniversary even more memorable. What really warmed my heart was to see how much fun she has with my family too.

I realize now that although many have big families, what makes this more pleasurable for me is to see how close my parents were to their siblings.  It is their love for each other that has made us close to our cousins.  My mom’s 5 sisters and 4 brothers are so deeply committed to each other that it’s breathtaking to see them get together. I have only seen laughing, praying, crying together. NEVER, and I mean NEVER have I seen them fight or argue with each other.Then there is also my father’s side of 5 brothers and 1 sister where my sisters and I are the oldest cousins, and the level of respect accorded to us is truly humbling. My father is the head of the family, and his love and caring has made us care and love our cousins naturally.  I can say all my cousins make me feel truly loved, and when they do come over, it is NEVER a chore. I do admit that friends and work tend to suffer a bit since we all are so keen to be around for hours.

I assumed that was normal until I saw others who don’t speak to family members for months or years. I think the longest I have gone without speaking to my sisters has been a week. It just has never occurred to us to not resolve what’s wrong. We fight, we yell, we argue, we are mean to each other, but it has NEVER affected our relationship as brother and sister.  I see now that with time we have gotten even closer. I guess what I really mean to say is that I truly grateful for who I have in life, and I want others to have the same too.  That is my public service announcement for the day 🙂

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Family, Myself

MOM

Sanjay Sabarwal

Mom. I just don’t have the words to describe what you mean to me. That’s what I wrote in my scrawl on your birthday card, but here I am going to try. I was going to do a status update on Facebook, but something about that just did not feel complete. I don’t tell you enough I love you. I don’t tell you that you are my friend. I don’t tell you that your opinion means the world to me. I don’t tell you that your love of books is the one bond that makes me feel we are in an exclusive book club. I don’t tell you that my moral center came from you.

So much of me is you that I wonder what I did right to be your son. You have supported (and financed) most of my dreams, and not once complained. I love that you text, and Facebook. I love that you make lunch almost everyday with the expectation that we will come, and call if we don’t come for a few days. Your love for all is abundant, yet you make me feel like the favorite (yes, I know I am).  There is not much you don’t know about me, and even then you have accepted me. I have failed numerous times, but not once have you made me like a failure.

I know I am quiet most of the time around you, but  I hope you know that you are in my life and heart all the time. I already know that these words are not enough, but you know what, they are a start. You are one of my guides, and I hope that I become like you. Kind, spiritual, loving, thoughtful, intelligent, honest, and accepting. The list has just begun, but really I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am sorry for the late post. Even though this is just a sliver of  what I feel for you, it seemed to be right that I shared them.   I wanted the words to be just right, and even if they are not, I hope you see how much you mean to me.  Love you, Mom.

Family, Myself

Stylus

Sanjay Sabarwal

Tomorrow is Tejpal’s 3rd death anniversary. He has been on my mind for a few weeks now.  In a clinical sense, he is my brother in law‘s oldest brother, but in my life he has been a mentor, an older brother, and someone who really got my need to be writing and get things done creatively. I still cannot forget when he stayed up night after night designing my high school magazine Stylus which ended winning us one of the most prestigious awards for high school magazines.  I still smile at the many nights we would sit together and we would bounce ideas back and forth. He read most that I wrote till I graduated from law school.  He ended up being one of the few people in my life who was intimately involved in my writing.  Most times I write, I cannot help feeling his shadow across my thoughts, and I miss him terribly. All of this sounds so selfish in a way because he was more than just a mentor. He was a great father and brother. If there was anyone I knew close to perfection in compassion and care, I wouldn’t hesitate to say his name.

Dearest Tejpal.  I’d like to think that he is at peace, and as hard his sudden departure from this world was, he was genuinely the kindest, most generous human being I had met in my life.  Sure, I still saw him monthly after college and law school, but what never changed was how warm he made me feel. I am sure he probably wondered where I disappeared to and perhaps my only regret is that I never really got a chance to tell him how much he meant to me. I am sure he knows it, and I liked to think that he knew how much he influenced me.  So much of me wishes that I was deeper and better at expressing him.  I feel him by my side just smiling with his gentle hand on my back.  So even though the words will never be adequate, I grasp this stylus tightly and  write for the one of the few who inspired me.

Family, Myself

Graduation

Sanjay Sabarwal
English: Class of '08
English: Class of ’08 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Yesterday, I went to my niece‘s high school graduation. Just writing those words makes me feel old. The entire family went, and boy were we noticed when we screamed at hearing her name.  I have always loved the good-natured competitiveness that takes over families as they try to be the loudest, but I have to admit with our numbers, it was no competition. We were the loudest, and as I screamed I couldn’t but help remember at all the graduations my poor family had to attend because of me. High School. UCLA. Southwestern Law School.  Each time they went with the same amount of enthusiasm and numbers. It was as if my graduations were part of theirs. I realize now that graduations are a recognition of the family’s contributions. Sure. my niece and I put in the hard work, but really it was because of the energy and love given to us by our families.

 

My beautiful niece face swelled with happiness when she heard us, and in that moment I knew that we were all celebrating her achievement as well as ours.  Sounds a bit selfish perhaps, but there are moments in life when you know what you are doing is not just for you but for the people in your lives.  I also couldn’t help picturing my niece in diapers, and as old as I felt, I was just so utterly proud of her accomplishment that it didn’t matter that I had aged. It just felt right that I got to be there.  Sometimes that’s all that matters.  Being there to see the special moments that you will remember forever. Happy graduation, honey. I love you!

 

#trust30, Family, Myself

Small Details

Sanjay Sabarwal
Image representing hulu as depicted in CrunchBase
Image via CrunchBase

It’s the small details in life that make up so much of our lives. I saw that yesterday when I finally got my Hulu Plus subscription. Netflix had spoiled us with 8 seasons of Greys Anatomy that we rammed through in 6 week, but put us on edge when we realized that we were missing the current season. I had my great friend Sandeep Kumar gamely burn me a DVD but for some reason it didn’t work. Then one of my cousins recommended Roku and another Hulu Plus, and it suddenly dawned on me that somewhere along the lines, I had fallen behind. I no longer kept up on the current news or the latest TV shows, or for that matter anything remotely entertainment related. Somewhere, I lost the desire to buy the latest technology or watch the hottest show, and although I thought I was better for it. I lost a bit of myself.  Small details that chipped away at me where suddenly now I am flipping through channel with no idea on what to watch.

Yet, I have always had help around me. I just don’t ask for it very often. Or at all.  Small details that I consistently fail to notice. My big-hearted cousin helped set up my Apple TV which has grown dust on it since I bought it last year ( I still love my old Apple TV, that thing is a beast!), and suddenly we have a whole new world open up to us, and it hits me that I always seem to fail to call the ones who have never hesitated to help me.  It never even occurred to them to expect a thank you from me, and that made me realize that I have allowed too many small details to pass me by.

I have never been alone, yet I constantly choose to fight some battles alone.  It’s not about TV or HULU or for that matter entertainment, it’s the idea that I am surrounded by loved ones who reach out in a second, and yet I still hesitate to ask for help.  I just wanted to say thank you.  Small details …

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Family, Myself

Thank you!

Sanjay Sabarwal

Today, I drove in silence from Artesia to Torrance because the cacophony in my head just wouldn’t allow for any outside noise?  A sample:  When should I do www.lumosity.com and www.babbel.com? When should I edit my final essay for UCLA Extension writing class? What should we do this week (I really want to take my wife somewhere nice, new and romantic)?  How can I save more money?  Why won’t XYZ take my advice, and on and on the noise went until I realized that this internal dialogue I was having was only making me feel inadequate.  As much as I want to accomplish more in my life, and be better for the ones around me. I have to take pause and congratulate myself for the things I do accomplish. Take today for example. I had a friend call me and thank for me supporting him while he was unemployed. Now he had a job.  That’s a real cause for celebration, and shows that people do care.

I had another friend whose mom passed away from cancer. He was with her when she took her last breath.  I cannot love this guy enough for his selflessness, and the genuine love he showed me recently when I was in the hospital.  In fact, his entire family has shown me nothing but kindness, and love.  I will never forget that. So I took a moment to thank both these friends for being in my life.  And then I was blessed with a best friend who not only listens to me whine and complain, but also keeps giving me solid advice  (which I normally fail to take)IMG_0368.  Finally. I have a dear friend whose wonderful father is fighting (and I know beating) pancreatic cancer.  So what’s my point in all this?  That instead of all the random worries I have, I need to take a moment and appreciate and thank for who and what I have in my life.  It’s easy enough to say, but quite hard to do, so today I want to say THANK YOU to all those who have done so much for me.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!