Category: Family

It’s been two weeks since you passed, and it is as if you never left. I still wake up thinking nothing has changed, and then it hits. I feel the weight of sadness in the house, in the expressions of loved ones, and it feels like I will drown under the weight. Then I hear you in the back of my head. Get up, Papa loves you.  I take a moment, get a breath, get grounded, and then I face the day.

I know that at some point, the grief will lessen, but will the regret?  Could I  have hugged him a bit longer, a bit harder? Could I have told him how I felt about him? These are the questions I am left with, but I also know this self-torture serves no one. Yet I cannot help it.  When is it OK not to be strong? To give in to the tide of emotions inside? There are no right or wrong answers.

So I get up and get through the day. I express thanks to all those who came and cannot help feeling gratitude for so many who showed up and stayed without asking. They knew what I needed even before I did. I hope I can return the favor because their presence made it just a bit easier to know Papa is gone.

It’s been two weeks yet feels much, much longer. How can so much change in just 14 days?  Yet it has, and I keep hearing “Papa Loves You,” and I continue the day in a daze, knowing that this is also part of my life even though it hurts like hell.

Two Weeks. Life Changed. Papa Loves You.

I walk around in a daze as if underwater. Glimpses of Papa keep coming up, and in between moments of smiling, I cannot held the deep yearning of just seeing him one more time. I remember his last hug vividly. He grabbed me and said “Papa loves you.”  He never said “I love you” as if the I was not enough to express how he felt. He wanted you to know that he loved you with this entire being.

That was Papa in a nutshell. He did everything with his all. And I know he would hate all this sadness. He never liked to dwell on negative emotions, yet I seem paralyzed. While so many have expressed love and support, I just want to be alone. Yet that was unlike Papa. He thrived on love and attention so I get to be more like him, but it hurts so damn much. I want to shrink away from all the attention. Leave me be I want to say, but Papa created love in so many that I would be truly selfish in not allowing them to express it.

I know the pain will ease, but the memories won’t. I miss you.  Sanjay loves you.

I cannot believe you are gone. No more ” Papa loves you.”  No more hugs. No more music distribution. No more Ziba Music. Selfishness reigns my body, and I just want you back. But you went on your terms. In your hometown while celebrating your 50th anniversary with the love of your life. You taught me what romantic love is. I got the love of music from you. You never ever missed an opportunity to tell us how you felt.

When I think about it, I got to spend the most of time with you Papa. You supported every stupid or exciting idea I had. From promoting parties, making cds, or just buying titles for the store. You were the first to hug me when I decided to practice law. You always smiled when I called you Padre. I was the one of the few who could borrow your car or a video from the your music room, and you wouldn’t complain.

These are the things that are flashing in mind, as I sit here in tears, reflecting on what a great father you were. You never held back your feelings. There is so much of you in me, but you were always the better man. Always smiling. Always making others laugh. Always finding my friends who you liked and ensuring you talked to them.

They say you find the good qualities when someone passes, but for that I am glad we got to share them before you left. My last hug and kiss from you was in London where we all were. These are the things that flash through me. Your never-ending smile. Your enjoyment of retirement to the fullest.  Your naps. Your walks. Your burning cds and then USBs for us. You shared your joy with us. For that, I am forever grateful.

I miss you, Papa.

As I pack today, I cannot help reflect on the weekend as I got to spend it with some very special people in my life. It is amazing that all together I have known them most of them for over two decades, and although we don’t get to hang out regularly.

It amazed me how much love I experienced with these guys, and it felt like coming home in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. We talked of old times, and I realized we shared so much of each other and how much of an influence they were in my life.  I felt selfish in a way because even though we were there for a bachelor party, it felt like homecoming for me, and the comfort and love that surrounded me is one that I will cherish for a long time. Good food, good music, and great spent time together. Who could ask for anything more? (Well the alcohol helped a bit)/

I try not to make predictions, but one thing is clear these guys will be in my life for the rest of it, and I would have it no other way. It truly was an amazing weekend

There is nothing like being away from everything familiar to you for a few days and reflect on what’s important, what’s bothersome and what never mattered at all. As the sun rays bounced off the glorious green waters of Cancun, I held myself grateful for how much truly I have in my life. That’s the thing about gratitude, just like bathing, it is only effective when done regularly.

Time and time again, I am reminded of what I have and that if I only focus on what I don’t have, I will forever thirst for a happiness that is illusory. It takes stepping away from it all and reflecting on the things that truly matter. When all material things are stripped, it comes down to camaraderie, connection, and love.  Sure, it’s nice to have material things, but truly what remains are experiences and that comes from sharing moments with loved ones.

Although I went for a bachelor party. I came back feeling closer to my brother in-laws and other men who I have not had much time with before. It was a great reminder that when everyone is open to being connected, how much can be created and made stronger in relationships.

For that, I am grateful.