Category: Family

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

A Part of Me

Sanjay Sabarwal

I sit here, looking at this blank screen, and for a while, my mind and the screen have blankness in common. Finally, the fingers move to talk about the blankness which makes no sense because it’s hard to come up with words. That’s the same with Death. It is so final, irrevocable, and the ones who are left behind to make sense of it. But what do I do with the constant heartache? I know I cannot stop living, yet each moment is now tinged with a sadness that many cannot relate to. Does death become the end and be all of me? No, but it is a part of me, and for myself it is finding ways to keep going.

I know Death is inevitable, but when it is sudden and back to back, so much of one’s life loses meaning. It is a stark reminder of how mundane your thoughts and emotions become because are continually about the same things and persons. So many lost conversations, so much left unsaid, the ones gone would not like this. Would actively discourage. However, I still walk around in a fog, going about my day with a lead heart. The ones closest aware of the pain, but unable to share it because they have their own burdens to carry.

So I pass the day alone in thoughts and pain.Wishing for yet one more day, one more chance to do it differently knowing I cannot. Regret now also a part of me. I get up, I move, I do my tasks. I engage, I laugh, I work out, I go to work, each action I perform as if life has continued yet I am fundamentally different now. There is a blankness inside me which I have no words for, but is now a part of me.

Cancer, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration

The Cacophony of Silence

Sanjay Sabarwal

I wake up each day this past week to the realization that my mom’s little sister, my little brother and sister’s mom, and “Masi” to so many of us has passed. Each time my eyes open,  just for a moment I feel normal until it all comes rushing back. Grief chokes me into silence, and I strain to hear joy in our house. Down the hall, I sense mom wearily turning the newspapers pages, trying to put one more painful minute behind her.  Next to me, I sense my wife move around restlessly, her wounded heart mourning for someone who treated her like a daughter way before our relationship.

The house reeks of a deep sadness that had barely begun to ease up for my dad, yet now we are now back smack in the middle of a deep longing for another loving soul gone. It is fitting that she left we say because now my dad has company and for the past decades,  Baby Maasi was my dad’s partner in crime for music, grocery shopping, the farmer’s market and really anything  that got them outdoors when many of us didn’t feel like it. They were brother and sister by marriage, and in action, they took that relationship to an inspirational level. Yet the unfairness of their death galls me. What about us? How do we pick up the pieces?

And then for a moment, I allow myself the crushing idea of “why bother? I am gonna die anyway?”  And it does feel right, to not care, to just let things be, to lay back in bed, crawl up inside the blankets and just not feel. Then images of Papa and Baby Maasi come to mind, and it hits me that although both had health problems, they lived, no thrived! They did not focus on the unfairness of life or what they couldn’t do. They lived, and ensured those around them also did to. My dad and aunt never lost an opportunity to tell me they loved me.

So I let the silence linger for a moment, I stay in bed just for a minute longer, and then I let go. I get up. I push aside the blanket. Self-pity left behind as I get up to be present, to love, to let my mom, wife and family know they are not alone in this grief. This silence is not one they get to by themselves in. I can’t take the pain away, but that doesn’t mean I allow that to be a reason not to be there.

Life and death are part of my life. It will happen. Giving up  not only dishonors their memory, it is selfish and weak. So I get up, and I need  find ways to continue their legacy not bring it down.

Family, Food For Thought

80

Sanjay Sabarwal

Friday, we will celebrate my Dad’s 80th birthday. To say I have mixed feelings is a huge understatement. When I think about it, I got so much time with Papa, yet I cannot help the regret deep inside me of the wasted opportunities. There are so many I wish to spend committed time, yet I don’t manage to create the opportunities to make them happen. It is easy to fall into the trap of busyness, but really its the realization that living a life of legacy requires sacrifices. Based on some loose math, I believe that like Papa, I only have 35 years left.

Do I want to waste that time in regret, or action? Yet that also means there are times I am not with loved ones. My failure was not that I didn’t get more time with him. It was that I didn’t tell him more how much I loved him. So this birthday we get to that. I am blessed to have had his for so longer when there are others who got much less or none at all. However empathetic I wish to be, I cannot help missing him and wondering what if. It’s an emotional game with little pay off.

Thinking back, Papa lived a life of legacy. His upcoming birthday where so many will be generously donating their talent to honor him reminds me of that. It is what keeps me going. That while there are many who will not understand or accept my desire to do more than just work, it does not take away my desire to be a better person. Just like Papa.

Happy Birthday Papa. Sanjay Loves You.

Family, Food For Thought

First Christmas

Sanjay Sabarwal

dcc6d17ae7b23bff2c76481b1a85052aI don’t say his name, but each morning, his is the first name that pops up while I express gratitude for my life. The morning quiet was his time, and now it has become mine.  Each day could become a struggle if not for the strong network of people in my life. Also my willingness to share, but I gotta tell you, it is still hard not to feel like a fraud when all I feel is a deep regret and sadness that I did not get to say goodbye.

He had a great life. He was loved, and he loved fearlessly. I know that intellectually and even emotionally, but I cannot help wanting that last moment, one last time to tell him how I truly felt.

The holidays are a great reminder about what you have, but they also underscore what you don’t have. It’s a strange time as there are no words to express what’s going inside me at such a beautiful time of the year. My only concern is not to ruin it for the ones who celebrate, to not have my heart and soul get in the way of their happiness.

And so I ground myself by taking a deep breath,  becoming present, and knowing the first Christmas is the hardest, but it will get easier. I will hurt less.  I will speak more about it, and that’s okay. This too shall pass.

For now: One day at a time.

Family, Inpsiration, Myself

Social Silence

Sanjay Sabarwal

untitled1Last few weeks, I am trying something that I have done in the past with great results, but then I go back to it. I deleted all social media apps from my fun, and the relief I felt is hard to describe.  The firehose of negativity suddenly dimmed in my social media life, and I cannot tell you how light and relieved I feel.  That’s not to say I am not going on Facebook, but since its now only desktop based, I check it in the mornings and then am done for the rest of the day. It feels like a controlled fire where it’s manageable, and I am less inclined to feel overwhelmed with the deluge of information and mindless scrolling.

The main benefit is to be stop being annoyed at those who post a lot. That negative conversation has gone from my head. I don’t know if this is avoidance or getting less attached to the phone which because now I only have Words with Friends, and can only look at it so often when there is not social media, no real distraction. The other benefit, less picking up of the phone during conversations with others,  let capturing of activities for others to see how much “fun” I am having. Less ignoring others to look at my phone.

The urge to look at the phone fades, and to interact with others increases. It is not a perfect solution, but it’s one that works for me. The lightness I feel daily is hard to explain except to say that I no longer feel I carry the burden to know everything about others or events. I get to focus on what matters to me for now.  And that’s enough.

Family

30 Days

Sanjay Sabarwal

quote-griefNo more posts about this. No more peering into my heart and mind. It hurts too much. No more writing about it. I get to let time do what it does best:heal. Yet it’s more than that. I don’t want to share my pain with so many. Or with anyone. Each day blends into so many missed opportunities so speak my mind, but life intervenes. Old issues spring up as road blocks, and I choke on the unfairness of it al.

30 days since you have been gone, but no more counting aloud. No more wondering what if. No more waking up and imagining it all to be a dream. It is time to bury the words, thoughts and feelings. The only way to peace is to accept you are gone, and we are left with beautiful memories.

I get to work on old and new facts, and deal with the life that I have not the one I wish I had. I get to accept that this too is part of life, and going on and on about it serves no one; least of all me. So I hold on to your memories tight, use them as my crutch and strength, and go out back to the life in front of me, old issues and all, and begin work on fixing it.

30 days. A lifetime of memories. What more could I ask for?