Category: Brownness

Brownness

Family and Betrayal

Sanjay Sabarwal
Lady Jayne: Killer
Lady Jayne: Killer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past week, my family found out about a betrayal that really shook us up.  I wish I go into details for those of you who love gossip (and the betrayers), but I also know that will just make things worse. All week,  I have watched the hurt on my parents face’s. I know my best friend doesn’t understand what the big deal is. At first, I was annoyed with him but yesterday I watched Soul Connection 34  by BK Shivani which happened to be on Betrayal and Forgiveness (no such as coincidence as Sumita would say). In a nutshell, the episode states that when we say someone has betrayed our trust, what we really mean is that they have behaved differently from how we want them to be. And all we are doing is creating negative emotions and energy that hurt us not the other person. What we really need to do is forgive ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that what the betrayers did was right, but our negative feelings only make us feel lower. They make us less calm. They make us drift from the present. They make me want to yell, shout and really wonder what family means.  To me, it has become quite clear who my family is, and while there are some in my life who feel like they will never be family, what they don’t know is that they are even closer. As if I breathe them with each thought and feeling in my life. I almost wish they could read my soul, but I digress.

And to the ones who picked money over family, they just don’t exist in my life anymore. They cut the cord, and instead of me hanging on or around, I am letting them go. I wish I was big enough to wish them luck, but they have made it clear that they want nothing from me or my family. So Goodbye it is. May you find what you are looking for.

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Brownness

Stepping Forward

Sanjay Sabarwal

Another beautiful Sunday morning. Approximately 820am. I quickly walked the dog, wiling it to take a take a crap immediately so I could rush back home, shower and then head out. I had the chance, no wait. I MADE the chance to go finally check out the Culver City Steps yesterday (called the Baldwin Hills Scenic Outlook on Yelp). I had texted several people and even tried to guilt-force Preeti into going, but there were no takers.  So I stepped forward alone. It was exhilarating! I found out about the steps at a friend’s gathering where a college football player casually mentioned that he has been using the steps to work out his quads. Steps?  Huh?  I asked what he meant, and he explained that these steps were in Culver City, and were a great workout option and a great way to see the whole city in one shot. I was immediately intrigued. I love finding out about new things to do in Los Angeles. I have been stuck in a run lately with just running around laps in my neighborhood, and I know the key to killing boredom when exercising is to switch it up. Yet it was more than that. I am intrigued at finding hidden things to do in the city I call home.

There is so much to do in Los Angeles, but I have been mainly focused on finding places to eat. I think part of the problem with a vast area such as Southern California is that you have to make choices on what you want to focus on (similar to life), but as someone who gets antsy after a few months. I want to break these artificial boundaries of land that I have set for myself. For the first time, this summer I actually made it to the beach more than once. I live in a beautiful area, yet I still have not tried all the things that it has to offer. One day. I want to hit up every restaurant and hiking trail in Cerritos, and Artesia. I see in me a need to connect with the larger picture not just the one I have painted for myself.

I managed to do the steps twice and although my sore calves are still not talking to me. I know that I made a step forward, and at the end that’s all that matters.

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Brownness

Running From Dreams

Sanjay Sabarwal
Eye of the Tiger
Eye of the Tiger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

6:47am. A beautiful morning. Nothing is chirping, but it feels like it should be. A small chill is already being defeated by the rising sun. I walk out past my gate. I bend forward to stretch the slow ache from yesterday’s workout to no effect. I try to stretch my quads. Same thing. I put on my bluetooth headphones, activate my Nike  running app, and start jogging to the beat of “Eye of the Tiger” from Rocky 4 (my all time favorite Rocky movie).  I see my shadow plodding in front of me.

At first, just the fog of sleeping inherits my soul, but slowly the rhythm of my free run shoes on the very hard concrete begin to seep through. I am doing it! I am jogging (albeit quite slowly), and then it hits me how much I hate running. The entire 3 miles as I jogged/trotted/walked, I hated it. I hated it as if  I was being made to eat Kerele which I hate with as much passion as I hate diet coke. Yet, I keep going. It reminds of my dreams and the things I want to achieve.

Some days it seems so utterly futile to run, pray, walk the dog, practice spanish, journal and do some brain games.  All before I head to work where I figure out how to get us not get sued by the many thousands of reasons small companies get sued in California. I giggle each time I go to an HR seminar because invariably, it will be brought up the New York and California are the most litigious states in the country in terms of wage and hour issues. So I go to my studios, grateful that I still have studios to go to, but it’s never far from me. Is this my dream? Is all that I am trying to do part of a larger plan for me to become what I was born to be?  Over and over. I see my shadow in front of me. I keep running, keep moving forward, wondering if I am running away from my dreams…

7:23am. Back home. Time to walk the dog.  Then pray. then write. No Spanish for me today. Gotta get to work!

 

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Brownness

Father Friends

Sanjay Sabarwal
pretty sweet, huh
pretty sweet, huh (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is already a beautiful morning here.  I sit in the quietness of my library, along my morning coffee, Its steam wafting up into the air. After I had prayed and was in midst of my meditation (who would have thunk?) I began to smile as I drifted to images and conversations of yesterday.  I had texted my friend Raj to keep a date open for Preeti’s birthday (perhaps a Beer tasting tour, perhaps a pub crawl), and I ended up giving him a lecture about taking care of himself. He is one of the best fathers I know. He absolutely without a doubt adores and loves his boys, but it’s the joy he takes out of it that is mesmerizing.  Yet more than that, he is also the most generous with friends and loved ones.  He is one of the few in my life who if more than 6 weeks passes by will make a huge effort so we can hang out. It hit me that friendship isn’t always about just sharing how your feelings, it’s about the little things we are willing to do to be around each other. I am truly lucky to have someone who has 10,000 things on his plate but makes me feel like I am still a priority. It’s a joyous feeling, and I wish him success in all aspects of his life.  I cautioned him not to forget himself while he took care of others.  Yup I have officially turned into my dad, giving advice to anyone I can catch! (love you dad!)

And yesterday got even better as I got to see one of my oldest friends from UCLA:  Rockwell.  Preeti was kind enough to suggest forcefully that I got and spend some quality time with him and his son.  I am so glad I did as I watched Rockwell treat his son like a young adult, and answer and respond to all of his son’s question. This is not new. Whenever I have seen Rockwell interact with his son, it is genuine interest , attention and love. It is this kind of attention that has led his son to know all the interacting friend and familial relationships in his father’s life. And it doesn’t stop there. When I watch Noel, Michael and their parents interact with their nephew and grandson, it is with such deep love that I am hypnotized. I don’t think I have met a more loving family than Rockwell’s. Each time I go there (and it’s not really ever enough) the parents greet me with such enthusiasm and love that I could spend hours just talking to them.  There is such a closeness that I feel like I am with family. And then there are Rockwell’s brothers.  Noel the oldest has always shown a warm heart and loving hugs that make me feel as I was a long-lost brother and the little one Michael has always made my feel like a loved old brother.

I guess what I am trying to say in my long-winded way that if I am ever lucky enough to be a father, I had already have 2 mentors in Raj and Rockwell. And I also have a family that I know I will be lucky to have for many decades to come. Lastly, the image I ended with was of Preeti as she spend the time to talk to me about the things we wish in our lives. I truly felt I have a partner who I can share anything with. So I’d like to say THANK YOU to the one ABOVE who made this all possible. I truly am grateful.

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Brownness

Food For Thought For Monday, July 1st. 2013

Sanjay Sabarwal

A man and a young teenage boy checked in to a hotel and were shown to their room. The two receptionists noted the quiet manner of the guests, and the pale appearance of the boy. Later the man and boy ate dinner in the hotel restaurant. The staff again noticed that the two guests were very quiet, and that the boy seemed disinterested in his food. After eating, the boy went to his room and the man went to reception and asked to see the manager. The receptionist initially asked if there was a problem with the service or the room, and offered to fix things, but the man said that there was no problem of that sort, and repeated his request. The manager was called and duly appeared. The man asked to speak privately and was taken into the manager's office.

The man explained that he was spending the night in the hotel with his fourteen-year-old son, who was seriously ill, probably terminally so. The boy was very soon to undergo therapy, which would cause him to lose his hair. They had come to the hotel to have a break together, and also because the boy planned to shave his head, that night, rather than feel that the illness was beating him. The father said that he would be shaving his own head too, in support of his son. He asked that staff be respectful when the two of them came to breakfast with their shaved heads. The manager assured the father that he would inform all staff and that they would behave appropriately.

The following morning the father and son entered the restaurant for breakfast.

There they saw the four male restaurant staff attending to their duties, perfectly normally, all with shaved heads.

Brownness

Food For Thought For Monday, July 1st. 2013

Sanjay Sabarwal

A man and a young teenage boy checked in to a hotel and were shown to their room. The two receptionists noted the quiet manner of the guests, and the pale appearance of the boy. Later the man and boy ate dinner in the hotel restaurant. The staff again noticed that the two guests were very quiet, and that the boy seemed disinterested in his food. After eating, the boy went to his room and the man went to reception and asked to see the manager. The receptionist initially asked if there was a problem with the service or the room, and offered to fix things, but the man said that there was no problem of that sort, and repeated his request. The manager was called and duly appeared. The man asked to speak privately and was taken into the manager's office.

The man explained that he was spending the night in the hotel with his fourteen-year-old son, who was seriously ill, probably terminally so. The boy was very soon to undergo therapy, which would cause him to lose his hair. They had come to the hotel to have a break together, and also because the boy planned to shave his head, that night, rather than feel that the illness was beating him. The father said that he would be shaving his own head too, in support of his son. He asked that staff be respectful when the two of them came to breakfast with their shaved heads. The manager assured the father that he would inform all staff and that they would behave appropriately.

The following morning the father and son entered the restaurant for breakfast.

There they saw the four male restaurant staff attending to their duties, perfectly normally, all with shaved heads.